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Hi all
Some of you may have read a brief update on a thread in My Journal, but here is the fuller story. Things as you know have been great as far as son and us are concerned, managing his money, just, no disappearing acts, in constant communication, good company when we have seen him and NO indication whatsoever at what was going to happen. We hadn’t seen him for about three and a half weeks until last Monday, due to dads heart problem and then both of us having the flu and of course we didn’t want to pass it onto anyone. He was fine last Monday when we did see him, he helped his sister cook the evening meal,made pancakes and we all had a laugh together. His 19mth old niece had done ‘colouring’ for him, which he was thrilled with and they ‘played’ together and he bathed her and got soaked. However, I usually take son food shopping when he gets paid, which was last Friday, but as he was working at 10am that day it didn’t give us much time, so he asked could I take him Saturday as he wasn’t working until 12 Noon – not a problem, so arranged to collect him at 9am on Saturday. I went about my business on Friday, met a friend for a coffee mid afternoon and then hubby and I went for a bar snack in the local and then nipped into the local Co-Op for a few items. Whilst in there my phone rang and it was son, I asked where he was ‘at home’ Oh thought you were working till close, ‘No I am at home’, ok will pick you up as planned tomorrow at 9am, ‘No I need to talk to you Mum, can you let me know when you have finished shopping’. Okay, I knew then something wasn’t cookie. We finished the shopping and went to the car. We called, ‘I have messed up, I am not asking you for money, I just want to talk to you’. I asked how he had messed up ‘ I don’t need to tell you, you know’. So we said, have you gambled, ‘yes’, when ‘today’ and ‘last month’. We ascertained that he had not paid rent last month and as rent is due on 7 March, and he had spent the day in the bookies, he didn’t go to work at all and used ALL his wages and has nothing whatsoever left and had also sold the TV he bought for himself. I just said, well the landlord has your bond which would cover up till 7 March and then you will have to find somewhere to live. He said he was trying to sort things out and had been in touch with OW (too little too late!!). We left it then and drove home. Heavy heart but too be honest it is not my problem to solve and I did not get upset or angry, possibly felt a little numb but that was all really. He called later and said he had spoken to the landlord, who had kindly said he could pay 2 mths rent on 20 Mar and 2 mths rent on 18 April then he will be back on a level footing. He has freely given me his bank cards and has asked us to look after money and pay rent and give him ‘spends’. Of course there is nothing in the bank until next Friday (he gets tax credits), but as I did pay ￡90 (and I know some of you will despise this action)to 2 guys he owed at work and needed to pay otherwise there would be problems at work, I will be having the next 4 weeks of that money too. We did buy him a few ‘basic’ food items and will ‘top’ him up with bits over the next couple of weeks, but too be honest he eats mainly at work, so wont be needing that much. What is different then – There are differences this time, he did talk for over an hour to us about how it was pre-meditated and he ‘knew’ he was going to do it. He says he is lonely, and all he does is work and wash and iron (sounds familiar) and he doesn’t know what is happening with the gf in Oz. We explained that he needs to sort that out and if it makes him uneasy not knowing then needs to do something about it. He also said that when he realised he would only have ￡80 for food and anything else when paid ‘he panicked’ !!! My reply, well at least you would have paid the rent and still had ￡20 a week for food !!!!! I asked if I had taken him shopping would it have prevented it as he would have had to ‘fess up’ earlier and the damage could have been limited ? We won’t know now and I won’t beat myself up about not taking him – his choices. We reminded him of sleeping in a field, on a mattress on someones driveway, and in a homeless hostel and asked him if he really wanted to be ‘in that place again’, of course his reply was No, ‘so what are you going to do that is different this time’? We can’t answer that for him, he will have to ponder it. He did speak with OW again on Saturday I believe, but other than a brief call yesterday I haven’t contacted him. He has our old portable TV and Freeview box and DVD again for now and I was going to ask if he wanted to come for dinner this evening, but decided not to. I don’t know why, but I just feel at the moment he is best left to sort his mind out. He said he was going to look for a job on Mon/Tues (the days he doesn’t have a shift) and we said that was a good idea. We have maintained zero tolerance and that there will be NO money and as I said earlier, he never asked for any ! What happens now – who knows. Life continues for us, hubby having loads of tests before they restart his heart and tobe honest I am focussed on US right now. We are embarking on decorating the bathroom and I have just been and purchased new towels and bath mats to match the blind and paint (oh and a pair of jeans :-))) That’s my update and we honestly never saw it coming, something which does worry me a little, as previously we could always tell by the ‘mood’ change. Stay strong , much love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxWe must look forward and must never look back, we cannot change what has already happened. The future is brighter.Looby Loo -
Hi Looby,
Last year I had thyroid surgery (total removal) I didn’t have my mother contact my father in regards to my surgery because he was still on probation and also for obvious reasons but I remember as I was in the preop room how I couldn’t stop cryiny for him. There is something about just going underthe knife and beng put to sleep that humbles you and softens your heart. How I wished he was there because I was felt if I were to die I would not want him to think that I didn’t love him. Thankfully I wokeup, but of course there is always that chance. We have learned we can seperate the addiction from the person, so in this siutation I would call too. Thinking of you at this time as always across the ocean xxxTwilight (I believe we get our greatest strength from the hardest obstacles) -
Dear Looby. Like the others, I want to wish you and your husband every good thing at this important moment in your lives. We all look forward to hearing soon that all has gone well with the medical procedures and hubby is thriving. But as the others have said, it could be a significant time for ‘father and son’ too in other ways and my instinct would be to let your son know if possible and allow for this opportunity to be positive for you all. As Velvet says, we can think that the cg doesn’t really love or care about anyone or anything but their addiction, but somewhere inside is always a person who probably does care, but is currently unable to express it. And if your husband wants to make contact, that is a crucial factor, of course. Every good wish, Monique xx.Keep hope alive.
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Hi Looby,
I really enjoyed chatting with you too the other day. Thank you for your kind and supportive words on my thread. That was a scary post for me to write, and also so very helpful to get out of my head. Reading your posts and chatting with you has helped me to keep putting one foot in front of the other and especially, learning about the very tricky business of still being able to love while also learning to detach from the pain and tease apart where I am tripping myself up, and keep faith that ‘there’, where ever that might be, will be the right place to be and I will know when i get there.
Thinking of you too!
Thanks for walking along with me. xx -
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Hi Looby thanks for New Year wishes, I am still on the right road..what spare time I have had was taken up reading a certain ebook which was a gripping read for me. Ive been off the last couple of days but my time has been taken up with too many chores that could be put off no longer. Still a hectic work schedule, hopefully the next couple of weeks will see me get in to some sort of routine.
All the best to you and yours.
Geordie.I'm a compulsive gambler that isn't gambling today. -
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Hi Sosad
Thanks for your post, which I answered on your thread. We are fine thank you, bumbling along, doing what WE want to do. Which, over the past couple of weeks has not gone down too well with the other sibling in our lives (daughter)!! Hey ho – can’t live with them, can’t live without them comes to mind !
We also have quite a lot on our plates, in that hubby’s brother is currently dying, he is now in a hospice as his disease has progressed quite rapidly over the last couple of weeks and we are visiting quite regularly, he said to us yesterday its not ‘if’ I am going to die, but more ‘when’ now ?? – He is only 57 yrs old and it is sad, that his wife and his own children, the same age as ours, are having to go through such an ordeal, certainly puts things into perspective with regards to what IS and IS NOT important in this life.xEveryone has a destiny, it's up to us whether we choose to follow it though !Looby Loo -
Hi Looby,
You can hijack my thread anytime! ?? I enjoy the company and the words of encouragement.
I’m glad things are going smoothly with your son, and that you can look forward to seeing him soon when schedules work out for everyone. His enthusiasm for your anniversary dinner seems encouraging.
It really does sound like you have a lot on your plate with your brother in law. I’m glad that you are getting regular visits in and hopefully that will help ease some of the shock of it progressing so quickly. I agree, it does put things into perspective when we see how fragile life really is. Sending you lots of hugs.
I hope things aren’t too rough with your daughter. Some***** its challenging with our children as we want to help and don’t know how, and other ***** its just downright annoying as they need to figure it out for themselves and are wobbling about noisily in the meantime – I certainly never wobble about noisily :S. xx
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Hi Vera
Thanks x It’s up and down, as things often are with such an illness. He now has a chest infection, which has set him back a bit more, as they did want to discharge him home on Tuesday. One day at a time as they say, but thank you for the prayers.Everyone has a destiny, it's up to us whether we choose to follow it though !Looby Loo -
Hi Looby,
You sound to be doing very well. The sweet conversation you describe on Friday sounds absolutely lovely, so glad BIL can be in the comfort of his home and the company of his loved ones.
I completely missed that your family is expecting a new addition soon – very exciting!!
Happy to hear you are having regular contact from your son, that must feel great. I know all too well it may mean a lot in terms of his recovery and it may mean nothing as well. All the sweet and sad of life never ceases to amaze me and especially how quickly plans can change…so good to take in all the sweet moments and arrange seating accordingly, lol!
30 years is a long time. Many congratulations on that!!
Enjoy your lunch on Sunday. xx -
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Hi Looby.
I hope your meeting with son and g/f was good and your anniversary plans also go well.
My cg has visited recently. Good and ‘strange’ all at the same time.
You must be experiencing such a range of feelings with so many different things going on – terminal illness, re-connection with son, a new birth approaching and a big anniversary.
I wish you joy and peace in every circumstance.
Lots of love, Monique. xxKeep hope alive. -
Well, here is the update you were looking forward to hearing V.
There was no meeting in MK – text late Saturday evening to say he had to work, which he did, but I still had a ‘gut’ feeling.
Didn’t speak to him until Monday at work, couldn’t get him on mobile (know now that it is a certain girly colour and he of course wont answer it ) but did say he had gambled. I didn’t at that point know the extent and have to say was somewhat devoid of what he was saying. Its not my problem…………………..
Finally spoke to him more in depth last night and the gf was also with him. Apparently he gambled all of his wages when he got paid Thursday, didn’t pay rent and now has to move out on Friday – again …………………….. I know exactly how much that was as he had earlier in the year told me how much he was now earning and believe you me its not chicken feed !
So, we had a long conversation about re-committing and getting further support for his problem, by him and for him alone, work, lack of social network/friendships, inability to go out, and it was clear from the conversations that he DOES recognise that the reason he is in this situation again is down to gambling and only gambling. Highlighting to him that earning sh1te loads of money but then throwing it all away is worthless and he might just as well give up the job and get that support instead, but that has to be his decision….
Today I have re-evaluated the conversation and still feel devoid of it. It is not affecting me, there is nothing I can do about it and my life is quite nice thank you (other than a terminally ill family member). The gf text me to say she has told him he has to sort out Easter, as its his family and there is no use her bailing him out ! To which I agreed.
So, we go on holiday next Saturday to celebrate our Wedding Anniversary and what happens, happens.
Stay strong for yourself people, its the only defence against this bl***dy addiction. x
PS: Forgot to say, there are positives this time, 1. He hasn’t gone underground 2. He is talking about things (small consolations I know, but I see these as positives)
Everyone has a destiny, it's up to us whether we choose to follow it though !Looby Loo– 3/6/2013 1:51:33 PM: post edited by Looby Loo. -
Hi Looby
That is not the update I wanted to hear and never could be.
Looking for positives – you are right he has not gone underground and you are not left wondering if…..
He is aware of what he has to do and you are right, highlighting that his behaviour is the cause of his situation is a waste of your energy – far better spent living your life.
I know that regardless of what you say, this will have affected you somewhat because you are not hard. It is another disappointment for you but probably an on-going one for him.
Go on holiday and have a ball – your son is choosing to follow his idea of having a good time and he must be the one to carry his burden further.
I am glad you were able to have a conversation where you were able to remind him that he ***** to commit his life to being gamble-free or his sad state will carry on – somewhere, sometime the messsage will reach the point that other messages seem to have missed because he didn’t want to hear them.
You are standing firm which is the best thing you can do for your son – he has to make ‘his’ choice in his time.
V -
Dear Looby.
I am sorry that you have had this experience.
This is another tough one for you and it must hurt.
But, as you say, you are carrying on with your own life and plans. And you have seen some positives in the way your son has been dealing with things this time. You will not let this pull you down.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your story.
Stay strong – I know you will. And I wish you all the best for your Anniversary and holiday. Enjoy it to the full!!
Love, Monique xx
Keep hope alive. -
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Hi Looby
Just tried to catch up a little with you, there are bits of you all over the place !! I gather things have been mixed for you and just wanted to leap out of the undergrowth and let you know I have thought about you and hope that life is a little more settled of late. Now i’m going to try and find Monique as she too seems to have done one !!
Jenny xWe see things not as they are, but through how we are today x -
Hi Jenny/V
Thanks for asking about me, how are you doing ?
Things have definitely been up and down, but the gambling episode hasn’t affected us really, we have been far to busy with other stuff and its not our problem. Son did come to his uncle’s funeral and has seen his new nephew too, at only a week old.
In answer to your questions V, I don’t know how long the abstinence was, I don’t know what support he has (probably none) I believe it was a ‘full blown’ and yes his barriers have to go up again and he knows it ………………………….. Our grandson is gorgeous and our time and thoughts have been with the kids and our sister in law. So sorry to read you have been unwell, hope you are feeling tip top again now ?
Son due to visit next weekend again, we are away with grandaughter Tuesday until Saturday and will catch up with him when we are back……………………..
I have finished working for the charity, as it was running out of funding, but was asked to do some medical typing at our local hospital on Mon/Tues each week, that, combined with helping with the kids, seeing my own friends and upkeep of our home certainly keeps me more than occupied – how ever did I manage to work full time ????
I do read every day, but of course don’t always have the time to post as much as I used to, but I do think about all my friends here on a very regular basis – where are you Monique ?????
x
Everyone has a destiny, it's up to us whether we choose to follow it though !Looby Loo -
Hi Loobs
I am glad you are having your hands kept full with good things which help stop the bad things taking up room in your head.
I hope the ‘gambling episode’ was just that for you – an episode in your book of life that you have been reading for a long time. It is easier I think for you to turn the page now because you know the book will continue regardless of the storm in the last chapter. Chapters with grandchildren and friends will follow on now and lighten your heart. I sincerely hope to hear soon that your son decides to give himself a better chance in life and embrace recovery.
It is so sad to hear how much damage some CGs seem to have to inflict on themselves before they realise that the only way forward to is to take the difficult route of recovery and total absinence. Your son has certainly ducked and dived his way round that path for some time but each hurt he has caused himself does add up.
I know he can change but he is still seemingly immature. The fact that his family are moving on, growing in stature and refusing his addiction in their lives, could not be a greater incentive to him.
I wondered if you were still reading.
As Ever
V
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Hi Bonkers
I have just posted on your thread. I still read from time to time but not as often as I used to, but have been able to have a good catch up this evening. Cant believe it has been so long since I posted on the site. Glad you enjoyed the F Valli tribute we have been to a few concerts/shows recently and are going to see Steve Harley in Manchester on Saturday. Life is very busy here looking after the wee ones now daughter is back at work, but loving every minute of it. Catch ya again soon. Loobs x -
Hi Looby
Just thought i’d impose on your reply to Bonkers, Glad to read that life’s busy, I too still read but not so often ! I guess there comes a time when we move on for better or worse ( no marriage on the horizon!!!)
Glad I came here tonight and saw your post, Have often wondered how you are xxThe fairies are still with you I take it ??
Jenny x
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Reaally nice to read your post Looby, during my abscence I did visit the site and noticed you hadnt been posting, I thought you’d “left”.
Sorry my tale wasnt a tale of continued success for you to read but one day at a time I will progress through life. As far as recovery goes each day without gambling is a success. Just for today I won’t be gambling and thats a big enough commitment for me.
Enjoy your hols.
Take care.
Geordie ??
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