Hello Emma and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you ??

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

I do the same. Gamble only for 20 because maybe I’ll win back what I have spent and then everything will be okay.

It won’t.

The path usually takes me the same route. 20 doesn’t even give me bonus rounds. Then I deposit another 20 because I love bonus rounds. Who doesn’t? That doesn’t go well either. Before I know it I’m shoving down hundreds. Chasing. When I’m depleted financially and mentaly, exhausted and desperate, I deposit my last twenty and play the lowest bet possible. I don’t even know why at this point. Guess what? Bonus rounds! Amount of winnings from bonus rounds = 6,5 $.

It’s crazy! The machine had just takem my money, my sanity AND my soul.

I know we are to be blamed ourselves but the gambling industry is one huge big fraud. They’re greed and all they do is take in the most manipulative of ways. It’s time to not give them anything ANYMORE.

Hi Emma and CMC,

Thanks for posting. Might be worth exploring triggers and writing about your emotional states that are happening before you gamble … try to pinpoint the feeling states that are deeper underneath the urges … and write them out. They can be quite messy.

I’ve been doing this on this forum for about a week and it’s felt enormously healthy …

Because our triggers are part of the addiction, I don’t think it’s an unfair assumption to consider them as possible links of addiction themselves i.e. addiction to the triggers …

I find that thoughts and emotions tend to clump up in pairs of 2 or 3 and form circles/cycles of destruction within us … when they’re paired up they’re much more deadly than alone … example gambling depression alcohol … or depression anger and gambling …

I think writing about the tendency of negative emotions/thoughts and experiences to clump together and feed each other in a circle is worth diving into understanding and breaking down. I’ve found this very helpful as well.

I think ultimately we want to create our own positive spirals that come as a result of breaking down the negative ones that led to us gambling in the first place … We always seem to be moving in circles and spirals with these clumps of thoughts and feelings be they positive or negative …

A positive spiral would be … „i resisted urges longer” „I didn’t gamble this week” „I’m feeling confident” „I wrote in my journal and interacted with other people who’ve quit more — I’m socializing more” „I’m feeling happier” „the urges are back, but I’m feeling better; I want to resist again, let me talk to someone who can help” „I resisted the urges again” „I didn’t gamble 2nd week” „I’m feeling more confident and better emotionally even than last week. I feel confident”

Those clumps of thoughts emotions and experiences begin to spiral and create an „upward spiral” … I think in some respect we have to learn to create upward spirals that chain many resources emotions and routines together — there’s no „one thing” that overcomes all those negative spirals together … we need a chain of things working together generating momentum like an airplane before takeoff.

Much love and support <3

Hi Emma and welcome ??

You mentioned that you have self excluded from most online casinos. Have you registered with Gamstop?

Hi Rock, I know exactly what my triggers are.

1. Abuse and bullying

I live in an extremely abusive, toxic and corrupt country. I have been bullied at work to the point of almost being raped. At this point I had started a serious gambling binge to escape emotionally. I have since found a way to remove myself from the environment but I had to accept a lower ranking and a lower paying job which I’m still struggling to accept. I feel a deep rooted disgust for the system and cannot accept the unfairness of it all.

2. Debt, gambling losses and money issues

This is now my number one trigger. Due to number one I have fallen into number two.

3. The unfairness of life and being single For reasons beyond my understanding, I have been cursed with an inability to find a suitable partner. As a result I have all this repressed and built up feminity and sexuality that I have nowhere to release. I’m burning inside, yet there is no outlet for me. Sex for sex itself does not work. I 've tried.

4. Boredom with work and the absence of challenges

5. Not having the patience to preservere for 5 yrs until I pay off my debts

6. Living a meaningless existence while deep down I’m so full of life and emotion

Hi Emma, signing up to Gamstop is completely free! It’s been an absolute lifesaver for me ?? It only takes 5 mins to fill in a form on their website, and believe me it‘s the single best thing you can do when your problem is with the online stuff!

I know and empathize with how deep the pain goes with loss.  It’s a stinging feeling that’s like a streak of black paint across your body and soul.

You are not the only person going through all 6 things you mentioned.  You are not cursed.

Keep writing about these emotional internalized perspectives — write and write more.  They have taproots and causaility that you discover from revisitng and rewritnig/expressing over time.

I think my fixation with health and seeking wisdom kept me alive in the darker years.

Much love and support — make today gamble free!

Hi Emma As Brucey has stated,, Gamstop is free. I think your getting Gamban & Gamstop confused.

Gamstop is UK’s national online self-exclusion scheme.

Gamban is Blocking software which costs ￡10 per device

Dunc

Good job! Keep up the good work. Another day, another dollar saved!

Hey there Emma. Welcome to the forum. It’s a pretty welcome find isn’t it when you are in the thick of another relapse is gambling. I too have been here for just a couple of weeks and and on day 5 of no gambling.

As you stated, the moment of giving in a loading a small deposit online with the thought that maybe this time you’ll win back the losses that have been hurting so much is such a downhill spiral that I too have found myself in far too many times this past year.

Can you imagine how you are going to feel in 6 months time when you have succeed in staying on track, your finances have bounced back and your anxiety levels are way down allowing you to feel that natural kick of happiness not having gambling in your daily life? I think about that all the time at the moment and it motivates me to work hard here.

Keep counting the days. I’ve just started counselling with a problem gambling councillor. He has allowed his clients to anonymously write up on a whiteboard how many days since they last gambled. And seeing their numbers is huge motivation. I’ve started mine at home in private, and add each new day as I make it through.

You last few days updates are really positive. Keep up the good work, you’ve got this.

Hi Emma,

Welcome to the forum, your story is so similar to mine – on and off gambling, emptied bank account, hitting rock bottom, self-exclusions, loans due to gambling etc. Well done on taking the step to join up here and start a journal, looking forward to hearing your continued success!

I discovered this forum about 2.5 weeks ago, and have been gamble free since, that temptation to just deposit a 20 or 30 – „Just to chance my arm” has been there alright, but we know that will always yield the same results as before, an emptied bank account and misery. However It is so nice to not see heaps and heaps of 20-30 shameful transactions on my account.

Keep it going, would love to continue reading of your success, Myself, yourself and Pie above will hit the 6 month milestone together.

callmecrazy, just weighing in here re: Bonus rounds – I’ve been there, that exact sceanario – it’s beyond soul destroying! If only that bonus round came on a hugher stake.

Another time the bonus round came at the last call. just as I emptied my entire bank account over a few frenzied hours, except it was a big win, covered all my losses and gave a huge profit too. Instead of being hungry and poor for a month now I’m very comfortable and can pay off chunks of my debts too! Great right? But then that voice says: „But…if that bonus round happens again soon…. you could triple this…”  – all winnings gone within 20 minutes, back to rock bottom and despairing. 

The big wins on the bonus rounds are the absolute worst for hooking you back in because you know it’s possible, but ultimately, the machine always wins because of this. 

Hi Emma, we will never win everything back and well done on recognising you do not want to lose your money, your doing great, one day at a time, moving on. Personal development sounds great ??

We made it a whole week, great job!! I hade a huge urge today, the biggest one so far. I was almost half way to depositing but then stopped myself. For half an hour I was thinking how life is pointless without gambling but then I decided to cook a meal and focused on that. Aftetwards I took a nap, woke up feeling different. The bottom line is, I’ve trained my brain into gambling and I need to retrain it. There is no way out of this self – destructing addiction without experiencing and overcoming some very bad moments. If, after I reteach my brain of different routines and patterns it still wants to self – destruct, so be it. At least I know I fought the fight, gave it my all.

On to a gamble free day 8 and hopefully a whole new week.

Hi Emma thanks for your post on my thread , yes i will be on day 50 tomorrow and i’m loving, like you say having money to spend on the things i need and want. It’s not easy and recovery never will be but my barriers are working . Keep moving on one day at a time and you will reap the benefits of not gambling . ??

Stay strong Emma , remember all the reasons to be free from gambling that inspired you to start this journal on days like today.
Having a difficult few days myself, today is my monthly salary day which is usually a huge trigger. I’m just remembering I had to sell my motorbike last month due to gambling debts , that gets rid of any urge.
have you read or listened to the audiobook of Alan Carrs easy way to stop gambling? it’s bloody marvelous for keeping the spirits up on tough days !

Hey Emma. 

I have to second that audio book that jester mentioned above. I have just finished listening to it yesterday after my first full week of all self exclusions from access to online gambling as I try to pull myself through financially on the bones of my backside. I have found the book very helpful indeed and it keeps reminding me of the happiness and elation non gamblers feel with ease, and that it’s gambling that keeps me from feeling this as I so desire. So I am working bloody hard to keep focus and work towards that awesome feeling of knowing I too am now a non-gambler – that thought alone is very motivating indeed. 

I think you have done bloody well to make it through this full week and I say congratulations. While many of us have a long way to go you have to allow yourself to acknowledge the progress that you do make. I hope that tomorrow you wake up with a different energy from today and that you feel that fire in your belly again knowing that you are on the path to being free from all this as I know you will continue to keep working hard at staying on track. 

Ah jester, as I cringeingly try to claw my way back to keeping up with bills and having enough money for food again after my past relapse and huge losses, I remind myself of the sacrifice you have made with selling your motorbike to get yourself into a better position to fight back. I started my motorbike up over the weekend in my garage, after not being able to afford to ride it for over a year now, and I got a hell of a kick up the arse from my conscious to simply go without any xtras for a few months, tackle my overdraft as heavily I can and fight to hold onto my bike like mad. You have motivated me buddy and I have much respect for you. It might just be the shove I needed. 

Keep writing Emma, it’s helpful for lots of us to read as we go through our own journeys. Here’s to a better day tomorrow. High fives from New Zealand

I had some hard moments this Saturday. One was a moment of deep dark pain and depression, thinking and feeling life was plain worthless without gambling. I got through it by focusing on something else (cooking lunch) and sleeping it off. The truth is slots, or any other form of gambling for the matter, is not going to run away. If anything, it’s only going to get better, the machines are going to sing more, buzz more… I’m saying this because it’s a valuable thought to have when the going gets though. We don’t have to think in terms of forever which only adds to the stress and the feelings of down. We can set a goal : 6 months and then we’ll reassess how we feel about gambling. By then, things can and will change in our lives. We may come to enjoy the extra money in our accounts, the absence of post-gambling stress, perhaps a new job, a new hobby, a new partner… it could be anything. Or we may not even have a strong desire to gamble anymore. The imperative is that we stop with the gambling right now. Take a break. At the state we’re in we’re neither able to win anything nor truly enjoy the activity.
By no means am I advocating CGs can or should ever gamble, I’m saying setting small goals can get us far. It’s one day at a time.

Good to see you posting. You had disappeared for a while and I was afraid you might have gone gambling. That’s me projecting because that’s what I would have probably done. Afterwards feeling too guilty and ashamed to come back.

Congrats on 2 weeks. One day at a time. ??

It is good that you recognise this particular trigger. It was one that got to me too. I tried various things – some that worked and some that didn’t … (don’t try buying stuff with it that you don’t need – you only end up with clutter!!)

What worked was:

a) paying off debts – I had debts that I didn’t need to pay off (in that they were up to date and no penalties) but inertia meant that I ignored them and left money in my account. Then I gambled – had no money in my account and no money to pay the debts. Pay off your debts if you can (you save money in interest charges too!)

b) paying forward debts – I occasionally paid forward things like my mortgage. This meant that the money wasn’t in my account tempting me and I was incurring less interest again. This can be done with credit cards too (although to be honest I didn’t!)

c) Put the money in an account that can’t be easily accessed. If you really feel you don’t need money immediately you can lock it in an account which can’t be accessed for 1 year or more. It’s not fool-proof but if you can forget that it is there (in time that is possible) then, when you are stronger you can unlock it for something that you really need.

I hope these ideas help. Knowing your own triggers is part way to dealing with them. Have a strategy in place so that you don’t let yourself give in. I wish you well.

Hi Emma;

   I was where you are two years ago. Went on holidays and there was no access for two weeks. Came home and was too busy catching up after the holidays to have time. Thought I had it licked so convinced myself i had it under control and I could gamble a bit here and there no problem. Problem. Once your brain starts to get that fix again- you know, the chemical release from the pleasure center, it wants to keep it coming. Keep up your guard and understand it’s like all other addictions. It only takes one slip and your falling again. I hope you dont succumb and you beat this. We all need to know that it can be done so we can look to our future with hope. Keep up the great work.

I appreciate all of you sharing your stories. It’s day 8 for me without gambling. I was tempted today and yesterday but so far so good. I look forward to not seeing withdrawals in my bank account and seeing the balances go down on my credit cards. These forums really do help. No GA meetings near me. I’ve been using the SMART Recovery workbook also along with these forums. Helps to know your triggers and to ride them through. My two addictions go together – smoking and gambling. I don’t smoke unless I’m gambling so I have two cravings at once. So, 8 days without a cigarette also.Will check out the Allen Carr book.

Bloody proud of you!!!! That is amazing progress Emma and I love reading that you are seeing your finances bounce back as time goes on. This inspires me to start again, lost the last of my money to a relapse 3 weeks ago, starting again today with day 1 *****. 

Massive high fives from New Zealand, thanks for your positive story and your strength with sticking with it 

Good to get an update and congratulations on your 3 months gambling free.
Yes it does get better, the longer things go on and I think it is good for you to just check in here now and again, to remind yourself of where you have come from.
I am several years gambling free – but I know that it would take just one bet for me to go down the slippery slope – so keeping in touch with things on here does help me to remember my gambling past.
It’s great to hear from you and I hope you can keep posting now and again.