Well, thought id check in. I haven’t gambled since my first post.

I still haven’t let up the feeling of disappointment/disgust I have towards my actions. Better that I don’t forget, or pretend it didn’t happen. Ugh

I shall continue to work on myself and staying gamble free. Current and future me deserves the best version of myself. . And the gambling version is the worst version of myself!

I find that my gambling comes in spurts. I find the gaps of time I can go between can be long, months really. But, it’s when I do gamble that the lack of control is very real. I’m just determined to go the distance this time, and when it even crosses my mind to just remind myself of the version I want to be.

I’d hate to do this any longer than i already have, and to waste any more time. To lose the moments that could be treasured memories with my family or even the financial relief I’d have. Gambling will take all my joy, the love, memories and time from me. . . And for what? It always ends in financial despair at some point.

Onwards – to another day ??

Well hello world,

I’ve been keeping pretty strong and steady knowing this path I’m on. I’ve been doing well not feeding the habit, although the debt I’ve acquired from this makes it tempting to want to try to “win it back”. . Im smart enough to know that’s not going to happen. I’ll continue to starve this addiction till is no longer lives and ill be free of its sharp talons…

If this is the basement level, only way out is up, and I want that roof top view.

Hi Callmecrazy!

Thanks for posting! I was starting to feel a little lonely on my journal page.

Reading that made me smirk, it definitely takes the edge off when you think of it that way. ????

As each day passes I feel grateful to be further away from my last bet. At times I find it so hard to align with that version of myself that just so whimsically threw away that money. So stupid.

How long have you been gamble free?

Callmecrazy,

Why not fill your time with something else, you know you have trauma. We all do, just different degrees. Why not focus on healing? Finding that inner peace?

I read some of your old posts. Do u still have property with your sister? Not all is lost. Perhaps if you join the fight you can quit for good too!!

Only way out it up. There’s a lot od stairs.. but I’m going to take each one!

Did you gamble today?

Well Callmecrazy,

Let’s start with day 1. I don’t think throwing your life away is the best plan. Is there nothing you want to see or do?

What brings on your anxiety ?? Have you tried meditation?

Callmecrazy,

I am truly sorry that these things have all happened to you. I obviously don’t know you, but I want to support you, and encourage you, and be here for you.

The disappointment upon disappointment you feel has layered itself in your life. BUT- this doesn’t define you, this isn’t you, and I really hope you don’t allow these narratives to dictate your existence.

I’m sorry about your mom, I know it was traumatic for you, but what a gift you were able to give your mom. To be there for her when she needed someone the most. At the end of the day that’s what life is really about, everything else is just fluff and garbage.

I don’t know your age, but i am a 35 years old. Female as well. And I’d like to be here for you, and perhaps you could be here for me..

I think tutoring is great! Kids are the future. It takes one person to help change a kids life, and you’re helping do that. Which is amazing.

I also want you to know you are enough, you can overcome this, you deserve and deserved better. So let’s accomplish that. We both have better things to do with our lives.

Do you have any pets? Hobbies? What kind of work did you do in the corporate world?

Hey,

What’s your dogs name? It’s tough when we lose pets, was your kitty older?

Sounds like you live on a farm, or at least some land. Why are u wanting to rehome them ?

Well, sounds like you’re pretty educated and knowledgeable. I feel like you could definitely get back into the corporate world.. if you wanted to. I mean, sounds soul sucking, but I am sure the pay is good. Your tutoring you’re doing, is that fulltime? Or just on the side?

You should pay for tennis lessons. Invest in something that will make you happy. You’re worth that.

I was reading today about positive affirmations and retraining the subconscious mind to retrain the brain to abstain from the urge/desire to gamble. I can’t believe that gambling has come into my life and has taken so much time from me. I don’t understand how I’ve gone back to it, knowing how disruptive and life crushing it is. I just know I can’t do it anymore.

• This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by iamhere.

Hi vladagr,

Thanks for taking the time to write to me.
How has your recovery been so far?

I thought about those last few sentences you wrote all day. I totally agree, staying busy and having a laid out plan for the day is key.

Money is just money. I know I’ll have this paid off sooner than later, but that’s not the issue. So working on my time as well as working on reprogramming my mindset and trying to be more conscious with my day vs. Subconscious living!

What else have you learnt with treatment?

Thanks again ????

Thought id pop on to leave a note. Seems pretty quiet on the forum over the last few days.?? I hope everyone is doing well.

I’ve been doing my positive affirmations, my mindset I’m working on changing to never want to gamble again! I pretty much am working on killing that version of myself that has gambled senselessly. ??

Staying busy, went to the ocean today. Had an ice cream cone. Got sand in my toes. It was a nice day.

Tomorrow will be another good day… and so on. ??

Had another busy day at work, which is great. Grateful for my career.

I just finished reading this insanely tragic story on reddit about this man who lost 800k. His posts starts in 2021 and goes until 2023. With every post I read I felt sicker and sicker, I felt the devastation and my stomach turned thinking what this addiction can do. He lost his wife, his child, in so much debt.. I hope he’s ok wherever he is now on his journey. Just more motivation to never NEVER go back to this.

I’ve been doing well on not getting the urge to gamble..keeping busy. Working on being more conscious every day.

Saw this quote today:

You must let the pain visit
You must allow it to teach you
You must not allow it to overstay.

For me – the pain is the guilt and disappointment I have for my actions for getting into this 35k debt.
I am learning from my actions. I’m working on the conscious aspect of my brain, daily affirmations. Staying busy, getting educated.
BUT I’m not going to let the guilt/disappointment (pain) convince me to try and “win it back” or pretent this money didn’t matter.

Well, off to bed I go.

I hope whoever reads these words finds some strength in them.

• This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by iamhere.

A whole month with out gambling. Feeling good about that. Onto the next.

Staying busy, continuing to focus on my goals, paying this debt off, and continuing to educate myself on my triggers and the effects gambling has on my brain!

It’s a lot easier when I stay busy and don’t have time to be “bored” to gamble. Every time I even think about the idea, my stomach turns. I think of all the stories I’ve read, I think of all the things the money I’ve wasted could have bought. I am repulsed by the idea of it, I hope this is the trend that sticks moving forward!

????

Well, had a great day! Lots of fun in the sun. At home resting and I all of a sudden felt the urge to gamble. I thought about it really hard, “oh maybe I’ll just play the demo mode of my fav game”.. the itch was real. Then I decided to go to reddit and look up the sub I always read. Started reading some posts, someone wrote this in response to someone:

“Just realize all wins are future loses and more. Whenever u gamble u just give Ur money away, only the pace is unknown. Stop wasting Ur money, exclude and never come back. And remember u won’t win a penny. U will lose EVERYTHING u bet. Dunno, write a reminder for urself that u will lose EVERYTHING u bet, and read it as many times as needed, especially when urge arises.”

After reading this 5 times, and reminding myself I HATE the version of myself during and after gambling. Came on here, to write in my journal…now I’m going to go clean the kitchen.

F-off gambling, I’m over you.

K – bye for now!

• This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by iamhere.

“THE ONLY WAY TO WIN IS TO NEVER PLAY AGAIN

Now go for a walk, read this as many times as you need and take a decision to never play again.

Be a strong human for you, your family and each one of us who suffered in that place”

Another post I read that is a strong reminder to keep going in the right direction.
Feeling good, working hard, plan to pay this debt off within the year. Grateful for that.

Another day with more to be grateful for than the last.

Hope everyone is continuing to work on themselves and see progress in doing so.

Hello journal,

I’m not going to lie, I’ve been starting to feel a little disappointed with coming on here lately. I had to take a minute and ask myself why? And I guess the answer to that is I was hopeful/had an expectation that there would be more people to interact with. Then I asked myself why? – why is this important to me?.. I think that’s where I get some clarity, I was expecting just a bit more of a support group.??

I won’t be coming on here with the hope someone has posted or, perhaps just checking in. I shall continue on my journey as I am. Hopefully someone will read my entries and find strength and know that quitting gambling is 100% doable! Cause… it’s happening!!

Ok.. so I finally cracked open the course I started the other month. Philosophy.. God why would I choose this course lol. I sat down with a heating pad on my neck, a cup of hot herbal tea and I read a few chapters. It was quiet, calm, and it was nice.

Did my morning affirmations, said 5 things I’m grateful for in my life, reminded myself of my goals and dreams and what I want my life to look like. Had a good day at work, did some laundry, watched a show, and made dinner. All-in-all pretty solid Tuesday.. only thing missing was dessert!

Tomorrow I’ll be another day stronger and another day further from my last bet. ??

Night night!

Hi!

Ahhh, makes sense. I’m a little late to the party. Seems like this place was a great support hub at some point. ??

Yess, philosophy, I have a degree and all that jazz already, just working on another one. Out of all the courses to choose, I thought this would be fun ????. I’m more science based as well.

Have you started your new job?? If so, how’s it going? How’s your journey going?

Another day no gambling over here! ??

It’s been soo hot here this week, I am looking forward to next week when it’s cooler!

The last couple of days I’ve been working on my appreciation for money. I feel like when I was gambling it lost all value and meaning to me. Like how could I spend thousands of dollars, yet hesitate to buy things that have a much smaller monetary value.. its not the loss of the money that truly upsets me, it’s what that money and time could have afforded me. So that’s been a pill to swallow, but at the same time it’s been important.

Things I’d have rather spent 35k on… a boat, a new vehicle, a handful of vacations, new flooring for my house.. all the things. Gambling is truly a nightmare.

Another day onwards, another day further from my last bet! ??

Well hello Friday! I had a busy and productive week this week. Worked hard, did some consistent work on myself, started a philosophy course, went to the ocean a couple of times, had some icecream, watched a movie, made dinners.. it was a good week ??

Still one day further from that last bet, grateful for that. I know I will never gamble again. ??

Till tomorrow, good night

Callmecrazy! You’re back! I’ve been thinking about you, worrying about you and sending you all the love. I’m glad you popped by.
It won’t let me reply on your feed – I don’t know who or why it was reported.. probably some spam person.. seems to be a lot of that stuff coming up lately.

I wish I knew what to say, or knew a way to help. I know it’s hard to get out of the mindset you’re in, you just have to find something good worth living for, money comes and goes. You still have to much life to live. You’re smart – you just need one job, not 6. ??

I’m here if you ever wanna chat ????

Had a marvelous lazy Saturday. I honestly wanted to get so much stuff done, but decided I wanted to go for a walk and watch a couple of movies instead. Much better decision.

I just finished reading this posting in reddit. The way this person has written her story encapsulated gambling addiction to a T.

I'm Tired, I'm Devastated, I'm Dead
byu/Ok_Resolution2568 inproblemgambling

Who ever is reading this if you have time, give it a read.

Man this addiction is brutal. Every day I stay away is a better day. This will not be the story of my life. I am actively making that choice.

Good night world!

Gahh, today was long and hard. Woke up just on the wrong side of the bed (as they say). I’ve had a headache for most of the day, felt blahhh. Did some cleaning around the house, some laundry, I have yet some things to finish up for work this week.

A successful day in the sense that I didn’t spend a penny on a useless bet! So that’s a win in it’s self ??. 40 days strong ?? ??

Mondays, I’ve never really loved Mondays. I don’t know why really. It’s not that it’s the start of the week, because I can control my work schedule.. just something about a Monday.

Today was fine, worked, did some of my philosophy course, ate, cleaned, laundry.. really just a mundane Monday.

Today is day 41, doesn’t seem like much, but every day I’m taking one more step in the right direction, I hope everyone else is too ??.

Night night.

42 days.

Starting to feel the shame and guilt really settle in as my CC bills roll in and I see the interest rate charge. A part of me is in disbelief of what I’ve done. What ugly mess. I know I’ll pay it off within the year, but what an utter disgusting waste of money. Money I work hard for, money that could have gone to a million different and better things. I hate this feeling, but I know I need to really go through this to know the depth of my decisions.

Aside from thinking about the CC debt I’ve acquired, my day was pretty good. Worked, had a massage, did some philosophy, and yeah just a better day in general, definitely more productive without gambling in it!!

I do find at times I need to read positive stories of other gamblers that have been successful in kicking it, it’s so empowering. . I then read the sad stories and messages from the thousands of people on reddit that are in complete despair. We are all in the same boat, trying to stay-a-float, and overcome this addiction. But – there is hope and this is all apart of my success story. ??

Well off to bed I go!

Day 43.

Well what a busy Wednesday – one of those days where you go go go.. and yet it feels like you didn’t do as much as you had planned.

I signed up for a 5:15am workout class tomorrow. I have to be there for 4:50 am. Seemed like a great idea when I signed up for it.. now I’m questioning it all ????. Rather get a workout done in the morning, I already feel the burn!! Wish me luck!

I’ve been feeling less and less thoughts and urges to gamble as the days pass. I still have moments thay surface throughout my days that are filled with incredible guilt and disbelief of the money I’ve spent. As much as I dislike it, I need to acknowledge the value of the money I’ve lost. It’s a lot of money.

I have a vacation coming up to go to Arizona. One that I don’t believe I deserve or should be going on due to this money I’ve spent/lost. Such a mental mind game, definitely a lot if shame on my end.

I just remind myself that everyone’s journey is different, gambling has been one hell of a pot ?? hole, but this won’t be my life story. A small blip in the grand scheme of it all.

Till tomorrow! ??

Day 45.

Wow there’s a lot of spam on this site? Whose in charge of moderating these things? Are they on vacation? Or just don’t give a sh*t? Some have been sitting and waiting for dayssss.

I guess this site is really that inactive. That sucks.

I have been finding as the days go along my head is getting clearer. The hard facts of what’s done are real. Crazy how much of a fog gambling puts you in. Makes you have this messed up relationship with money, like it has no value. I have been working hard and should see a good chunk of this debt gone in a few months, but so f-ed up working this hard to throw money away.. gambling. So stupid. Definitely glad I’m never NEVER gambling again. The clearer my head gets the more real the situation is.

Looking forward to the weekend, the work week was busy. It’ll be nice to have some down time. It’s supposed to rain, which I don’t mind. The house could always use some cleaning.

Well hopefully the spam stops so people can utilize the site more. .

??

Day 46

What a packed day. Definitely looking fwd to sleeping in tomorrow. I have a full day tomorrow too. Cleaning, grocery shopping, re-organizint some things.. ugh I hate cleaning the bathrooms.????

I have been going strong. I haven’t had many urges or thoughts about gambling in the last week or so. Still just more thoughts of frustration towards my choices. Clarity is good, responsibility is needed and an appreciation for money needs to be re-gained. All the parts of my journey.

I hope whoever may be reading this (if anyone) just knows gambling doesn’t have to be apart of your life. We just have to make the decision to stop. One day at a time. ??

• This reply was modified 2 months ago by iamhere.

DAY 47.

I got so much cleaning done, lots of laundry/bedding done. Re-organized a few things. Cleaned one of the bathrooms. Crazy how cleaning literally never ends. I can appreciate the minimalistic lifestyle approach!!

I worked on som crafty things this evening. I’m hosting a party for a family member next week. Needed to do some vinyl things with my cricut. Meticulous/time consuming stuff, but looks so good after ??.

It was a good day, a day spent without gambling, and without the urge to do so. Each day I’m that much stronger, that much more committed to not feeding this addiction. ??

Till tomorrow. ??

Day 50

Well it’s been a cpl days since I’ve last written. I thought I’d take a break from posting daily. This site seems to be taken over by spam, and I guess who ever is operating it – isn’t too bothered ????

I haven’t been counting days, I had to look at my last post to see what day I was at – so thats been good. I’ve been focusing on my 5 gratitudes a day ??, my affirmations, staying busy with work and really being cognizant of the clarity my brain has been having not gambling!

I heard an ad on the radio today about online gambling. Literally made me cringe, I have read so so so many stories where lives have been pretty much destroyed by this addiction. . You don’t hear radios advertising drugs.. because you can’t see a gambling addiction and the awareness is much less, people have really no empathy for gambling addicts. I’ve also read many positive recovery stories, and those mixed with the bad have also been important for my mental clarity. The house always wins, you will never walk away with any money, and the time you waste, the memories you gave up making. . Those you’ll never get back.

I shall continue onwards, working on myself, focusing on what I have not what I don’t have, putting value back to money as well as giving myself some grace and patience as the mess I’ve made will not be fixed over night.

I hope everyone is doing well, another day gamble free! ??

Day 53!

Wowww!! Hi everyone! Thank you all for taking the time to write. It’s been feeling pretty lonely on this site. I’m glad to know there are a few of us checking in. ??

I think now I have been starting to feel the depth of the debt. More so, I think I also realize I’m a bit impatient. The random “maybe I could gamble my money back” thought has crossed my mind – not gonna lie. BUT I feel my head space has been so clear since I’ve been truly working on being more conscious.. I realize “what a stupid thought that is”.. who actually believes you can win your money back?? Answer: a gambling addict. Definitely has been grounding and very real letting that soak in. .. I won’t be gambling to win my money back, and I know the road to pay this off won’t be long, but will feel like an eternity. gambling will never be an option or even ever an answer to a problem.

It’s raining today. I finished work this morning, came home cleaned up.. now going to go work on this philosophy course!! ????

I hope everyone continues going forward one day at a time. ????

• This reply was modified 1 months, 3 weeks ago by iamhere.

Read this post today…

If you received $1,000,000 right now, would that make your craving go away.

The answer is: No.

You would still want to gamble and now you have an amount with which you can bet amazingly high stakes.

Imagining that high…

This is you addiction. Money isn’t the problem and it definitely isn’t the solution.

You’re fucked up, do something about that. Invest in some self-growth.

……

Day 55.

“Keep showing up” that’s what we all have to do. Keep showing up – better, and stronger than the day before. ??????

I know my triggers, and it seems to be ‘boredom’, so when my weakest moments arise, what do I do? Remind myself what my future will look like If I place one more bet. I don’t want gambling to be apart of my life, let alone the story of my demise. So, I shall keep showing up, every day. Better and stronger than the last… I dare you to too ????

Day 56.

I wasn’t planning on posting tonight.

I was having a disagreement with my partner tonight, and the discussion about money came to the surface in regards to how we would afford something that really was avoidable, and how this expense would be a lot for our household. More so- like what a waste of money. He looked at me and said: “do you know what’s a waste of money? Gambling, and I never say anything to you”.

Now in this moment, I wanted to say a lot, about how I make more than him, and I provide more for the household, or perhaps something like.. its my money I spend. BUT, that wasn’t needed, those things would have been said out of defense, and anger. The reality is.. he’s right, and I needed to own that, and I let him have the last words, because there was nothing more that needed to be said.

I fucked up. 100%. But I’m showing up, I’m going to do the work, and I know I will NEVER gamble again.

????

Day 61!

Apparently I was off by a few days, thank goodness for good ol’ google. The date stamp on this site always throws me off – I’m in Canada.

Fall has finally arrived. I’m heading on a trip in a few days for about a week. Looking forward to it, but also feeling like fml.. wish I didn’t gamble 35k away before a trip. The reality of it all still sucks.

I think the biggest thing that blows my mind right now is how my train of thought before would validate and support my gambling addiction. Like, depositing hundreds of dollars at a time thinking I’d win what I deposited before and more. Or, how money had little to no value, yet spending it on daily things I was frugal about. Or how everytime I’d gamble (after I had promised myself I wouldn’t).. I’d tell myself it’s ok, no big deal.. or how I thought gambling would solve all my problems. . Yet it has caused them all. I know I’m only 61 days in, but I am still 100% sure I will never gamble again. I feel it in my bones! ????

With all that being said, I am feeling the struggle and the pain of my choices, but I’m really trying to be present in them, and process all of it.

Each day I think of gambling less and less. I’m staying busy, staying focused, working hard! When I get back from my trip I’ll be joining a gym! ????

I hope everyone is continuing their fight and moving forward ??????

?? ?? ??

I booked my trip to Arizona at the beginning of this year. Hard to believe I’ll be on the plane in a cpl of days. It’s 41 degrees Celsius there, I might roast! As much as I was dreading/upset/disappointed/frustrated … all the things with myself about the money I wasted.. im coming around go feeling ok, and I’m looking forward to the “reset”.

Still going strong on not gambling, still working on myself and staying motivated and driven on the big picture. It’s getting easier. I read posts on reddit often, reading people post on how they hit rock bottom is terrifying. I’ve never gambled to the point I can’t pay my bills or mortgage. I’ve never dipped into my business account. I know the future for me if I don’t committ to quitting can only get worse and potentially lead to that. “Success is my only motherfuckin option, failure’s not”

Well, if anyone is out there checking in ??, I hope you’re doing well and fighting this fight with me. ????

Well hello everyone (anyone)

Man, this site has become overrun by just spam messages. I feel like whomever was “taking care” of this site has gone on vacation and forgot to return ????.

Things are still moving forward. I’ve been soo busy with work, school, life I haven’t given myself much time to think about gambling. It comes into my mind when I think about this debt I’m paying off, lol what an idiot I am/was. Oh well, all apart of the journey. ????

I’m going to be joining a gym. This will be great for mental clarity, stress, getting some endorphins streaming through my blood!
Still working on this philosophy course-almost done an essay. ??

Well i hope everyone is doing well. ??

Well, needless to say this place has been deserted by the creators. Kind of shitty.

Anyways, just wanted to check in, all is well. Continuing the grind. Paying off debt weekly. Last month I paid off about $4000.00 of it, definitely is a shitty reality. What a waste of money, literally makes me shake my head and roll my eyes ??.

Another day forward, and further from the last!

I hope everyone is well ??