It’s interesting to see how “clear” things get the day after a binge ends.  

A week ago – I was in a trance.  On Thursday evening (12/20), I lost $1500 after making a poor decision to stay and gamble despite being up $900 at one point in the session.  The other guy I was playing blackjack with was a carbon copy of me, only much older and with seeming better restraint.  When he left the table, I should’ve as well, but I stayed and lost the $900 + the $1500 I came in the door with.  I attempted to call my bank to increase my withdrawal limit and they told me that was not possible even though I clearly had the funds.  My night was over even though I was very much on tilt.  The following Friday, I was working from home, and when it became mid-afternoon, the itch came back in full force.  I immediately drove to the bank, withdrew $3000 from the teller inside and went back to the casino.  This time, I played blackjack with a younger guy and while I only played with $1k, I managed to win $3k in total.  It was then I decided to cash out — I somehow got up $1500 for the year.  Just in time for Christmas.  Amazing.  I deposited most of the money but felt great having $400+ in my wallet for whatever I wanted.

Fast forward to this past Friday, and the itch was back.  It was clearly there all week since I was reading up on positive/negative variance and about other people’s blackjack stories, but I managed to fend off the itch due to the holidays and work.  My mom being in town also helped curb my desire to gamble, but the moment I dropped her off at the airport, the itch became more prominent.  That Friday, I decided to play a little less aggressive and only went to the casino with $1400.  I actually got up $450 at one point and remember making two more $50/bets and saying to myself “If I win this, I’m out”.  I lost.  And then I lost again.  And then the rollercoaster started and after no time, I lost it all.  I went back to the ATM and was able to take out $500 more and ended up losing it.  At that point is when the addict in me truly came out.  I pulled out every credit card on me and attempted to get a cash advance.  Despite having zero debt, my cards were rejected.  I then asked the casino what their check cashing policy was and after hearing they take personal checks, I went home and picked up a check and came back.  As the check cashing process began, I was informed they’d only allow a $300 cash since this was my first time.  The addict in me calculated the odds of turning that into anything substantial and decided to refrain.  I then drove throughout the area to see if any banks were open to cash this check but to no avail.  I then decided to go home and simply get drunk by myself.

On Saturday (yesterday), I woke up partially drunk yet still in the trance.  I was clearly on tilt from the previous night’s loss but had the initial job of getting rid of my headache.  I took a couple advils and went back to bed.  As I fell back asleep, I prayed that “someone” will tell me whether I should go back to the casino or not.  An hour and a half later, I was driving to the bank.  I walked in and withdrew $3000 again (from the same teller as the week before).  I felt some sort of judgement coming from her knowing glare, but I didn’t care.  I was about to go gamble so I had more important things to worry about.  When I arrived at the casino, I went back to my area and started playing Blackjack again.  First, one $100 hand, but ultimately, splitting to two.  I lost $1200 immediately, so I then decided to go balls to the wall and play two $200 hands.  Suddenly, I was up $900 for the day.  The asian women to my left was saying “wow, you won all your money back” to which I responded, “yeah, for today, but now I’m chasing yesterday”.  The guy to my right, who was the lucky cutter the past couple shoes then complained that he was doing terrible to which I responded “yeah, it happens”.  He eventually lost it all.  Suddenly, I started losing and after one bad shoe, I was down to even for the day.  After another bad shoe, I was now -1500 and then after the 3rd and final bad shoe, I lost it all.  The funny thing is that when I had $800 left and decided to place two $400 bets.  I got dealt a 19 and 20 and the dealer had a small up card showing.  The dealer drew a 5 card blackjack.  I walked out a loser, as always.

As I look back on these past couple days (and really, month) of gambling, I gambled a total of 9 different times.  I won money during Sessions 1-5, lost on 6, won on 7, and then lost on 8 and 9.  The clear headed person typing now questions why I didn’t stop after 7 — after all, in the diary I was keeping I clearly was telling myself to stop given that I know what happens if I continue.  Yet for some reason, my will power and self control did not stop me and the boomerang affect occurred, yet again.  $5k of losses in a 24 hour period.  

When I think about all the addictions I’ve had throughout my life and how I’ve been able to quit them, I realize that I’ve simply went from being a jack of all addictions to a specialist.  Yes, I was once a terrible chain smoker, but managed to quit.  Yes, I was once a major pothead, but managed to quit.  Yes, I was a functional alcoholic but managed to cut back significantly.  I ask myself daily why I can’t simply quit drinking and gambling altogether the same way I’ve quit these other two habits?  The answer I keep telling myself is that I don’t have to because I’m only harming myself given I’m unmarried and without kids….so, who cares?  

I should.

The scary thing is that earlier this year, the mix of drinking and gambling almost got me into deep trouble.  After driving drunk to the casino and losing, there were two separate occasions where a cop was behind me while leaving the casino or on the way back home.  Each time, they turned on their lights and pulled someone else over.  Those nights could’ve been far worse considering the DUI laws in my state.  As well, since I already have one on record, I’m sure the judge would’ve thrown the book at me.

Yes, I’m an unlucky, compulsive gambler, but in many ways, I feel lucky that I didn’t get pinched.  I digress.

Today, my focus is clear, but I feel like i have a major mountain to scale.  I’ve watched many documentaries on the people who choose to climb Mt. Everest, and I feel like I’m doing the same thing, except rather than the deathzone being at the top, I’m in the midst of it at the bottom.  One step at a time, I know.  But my primary concern is that I will always justify why I should go back in a few months.  Especially since I’ll have my annual bonus and tax return to spend in March 2019.  I truly hope that when that time comes, I find the will power and self control to say no.  After all, if I don’t go to the casino, the cycle never starts which means that as long as I don’t place a single bet, my money should be safe.  

Hears hoping for a gambling free 2019.  

Steev – your words of encouragement are well-received, so thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my posts.  You are absolutely correct when you ask whether I care about myself.  On the surface, many would think yes, but in reality, it depends (but as you mentioned, likely “no” when I indulge in addictive behaviors).  The interesting thing I’ve learned over the years about numbing the pain through drugs/alcohol/gambling is that eventually, the numbing agent of choice stops working.  As a serial addict, I’ve always had something to toggle to when the current method stopped working, but now I’m finding that I’m stuck with the hardest method of them all — learning how to do this on my own.  There was once a time when I had the largest support network in the world, but they were also my enablers so I started over.  Now, I’m left with just myself which introduces a whole new way of dealing with things that I was never truly prepared to take on alone.  So, with the help of kind people like you and others on this site that understand the issues I’m facing, I look forward to finally dealing with my issues productively and allowing myself the freedom to experience life’s natural ups and downs without imposing them on myself the moment I seemingly can’t handle it.

Day 2

As I read all the various posts from those of you on this forum, I can’t help but empathize.

Many of my friends and family can’t understand my desire to put myself in harm’s way with my addictive and risky behaviors, and while it’s easy for them to think that it’s simply a decision I can make (especially after three decades of training myself into believing the value that my addictions provide), it’s obviously not that simple.

Casinos and credit card companies – although made up of humans like us, they have one objective…make money.

I get it – it’s easy for some people to choose not to throw their money away at Casinos or to take out more credit than they can afford. Gambling is not their thing. Similarly, when my buddies were full-blown coke addicts, I didn’t join them since it wasn’t my thing (I preferred marijuana). It would appear we are all just humans with our various preferences and issues.

For me, I believe my preferences/issues are a combination of nature and nurture. All my life, especially as a young kid, teachers and adults would label me as a kid who lacked self control. Yet, each time I was given this label on a report card, there was no suggestion as to what I should do to fix it. Great, so they can call me out for what is inherent in my DNA, but what value does the label serve if there’s no way they can help fix it?

I asked my Mom recently if she thought I had ADHD or OCD when I was a kid, and because it’s been so long (and since I was one of four kids and life has evolved significantly since then), she couldn’t quite remember. She did acknowledge that it was definitely possible, yet she was sure that I have figured out a way to manage it.

Perception is reality for her, but for me, this is where recreational drugs, alcohol, and gambling came into play. Of course, a doctor could’ve prescribed something that may or may not have worked so instead, I became my own doctor.

Of course, social media has ruined people like us. It’s so easy for us to now see how “amazing” other peoples lives are by simply clicking on the pictures they post to promote just how amazing their lives are. But really, is anyone truly happy? And do I need to let their “happiness” make me feel less so about myself? Hell no.

These past few days, I’ve been torturing myself by thinking about the many things I could’ve done with the $5k I gambled over the weekend. It’s even more sickening to think about the amount I’ve gambled throughout my life, let alone the amount I’ve spent on drugs/alcohol/women as well.

However, I also know some people who waste money in other ways. I know a few women that got a college diploma (and even a Masters degree) just to be stay at home moms. I’m also friends with guys who put all their money in savings/401ks for a future life in retirement even though their lifestyles have rendered them so unhealthy that living to that age is a gamble in and of itself.

My point – it doesn’t matter who you are or the things you do. We all have something.

The good thing is that I’m re-reading “The Easy Way to Stop Gambling”. The point the book makes is that it’s easy to quit something you don’t desire. As such, the primary question I’m asking myself (that I’m hoping you all are asking yourselves) is….what has gambling ever done for me? What is truly so desirable about it?

ABSOLULTEY NOTHING.

Pardon the pun, but I’d bet that each if you would agree with my assessment.

Ultimately, life is hard. However, there is no reason why I should choose to make it any harder by imposing negativity on myself any longer.

Please join me in labeling gambling as the worst thing on earth and removing the desire to willingly participate in the worst thing on earth ever again.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

Thank you for your response and input — hopefully my experiences will shed insight and guide you towards a solution that works for you.

For me, gambling is in my arsenal of addictions so while I have had periods of abstinence, it was during those times that I would toggle to one of my other addictions instead. However, over time, I’ve slowly kicked each of these other addictions one by one (and am continuing to throughout today).

Specifically….

I quit smoking after college by going from cloves to marlboro reds to mediums to lights to ultra lights to bumming ultra lights to quitting. This addiction is no longer something I can toggle to.

I smoked A LOT of pot up through April 2017 (since I had a medical marijuana card) at which point I decided it was more of a crutch than an answer. This is also an addiction I can no longer toggle to.

I was a functional alcoholic up to the point I got my DUI in 2007 and although I quit drinking briefly, I ended up drinking very heavily from 2010 to 2012 (until I started my life over in a new city/state). While I still drink occasionally, I’m now deciding to rid myself o this habit since it’s a gateway to gambling (I was drunk when I decided to start my last binge earlier this month).

Ultimately, I’ve replaced my addictions with other things like working out, cooking and volunteering.

The reason why I’m so confidant that quitting alcohol and gambling this time around will stick is because I no longer have an arsenal of bad habits to rely on. Instead, I’m going to go all-in (gambling pun-intended) with all the positive things I’ve being doing instead by hitting the gym more often, being more consistent with my volunteer activities, and becoming a more seasoned cook. As well, by actively participating in this forum, I feel as though I have a network of people who understand (more so than my friends and family ever could).

While I can’t promise that I won’t feel life’s stresses and won’t get extremely bored with an abstinent life, I’m recognizing that while self-imposed “negatives” (gambling/drinking) may distract me from what I may be feeling at the time, they are definitely not fixing the problem.

For me, my sole objective is to recognize that life is hard and could be worse.

The great thing is that I volunteer at a hospital by helping cancer patients so while I may think my life sucks, it could definitely be worse.

That said, my recommendation is to start volunteering if you can. It’s been a life-changer for me.

Thank you for your post and for your words of encouragement.  I wish you the same in your journey.  I hope you have a safe, peaceful and desireless new year as well.  ??

Thank you for your post.  I definitely intend to read up on your history since you appear to have quite a thread.  I look forward to reading about your journey, and am hopeful that the title of your thread (300 days gf) is about to hit the 500 day mark soon…

Interestingly, root cause analysis is definitely important, but is a challenge to me for many reasons.  

On the one hand, I was raised by two amazing parents and was provided a life that many would call “easy”.  On the other hand, I’ve dealt with my fair shares of tragedy, from losing my oldest brother when I was six to sustaining multiple major head wounds as a child.  

Remarkably, I was able to lead a successful life through my 40+ years (on the surface) while also living this hidden life in the shadows.  As we know, us addicts are great at lying to others but especially to ourselves.  Of course, the DUI conviction and a few of the gambling stories my friends witnessed somewhat outed my addictions, but if you asked most of my buddies, they would be shocked to think that I have “problems”.  Ironically, if you asked their wives, they’d all think we all are going to hell.  ??

The amazing thing is how you called me out on intimacy issues.  My defensive-side would argue that I just haven’t found the right woman, but since EVERYONE I know is in a relationship, it’s clear that I have many things I avoid for much deeper reasons than I’m aware of.  This is something that is fueling many of my addictive outbursts and is clearly something that I need to take a much stronger look at resolving.

Regardless, I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond to my posts, and I look forward to getting to know you through this forum.

Have a happy and safe gf new year!

Mindfulness. The art of being present and fully experiencing the moment.

After a week of alcohol and gambling sobriety, I find myself exploring different activities to fill my time. While the desire to gamble or drink subsided substantially due to last week’s faux pas, I recognize that I do have consistent thoughts regarding both addictive behaviors more often than I’d prefer.

Metaphorically, many would compare these addictions like standing in a burning building. However, if each of us were literally standing in a burning building, our need to self-preserve would kick in and we’d do everything in our power to leave said burning building.

However, with a non-physical threat like addiction, it’s not as simple. How does one leave something that is embedded in your mind?

I’m attempting to use mindfulness as part of my toolkit.

I recognize that my mind is full of thoughts that cover the spectrum of life. What was, what is, what’s to be. Sometimes, I ponder regrets, but other times, I think about how lucky I am.

Similar to the movie “A Beautiful Mind”, we all have that voice that is guiding us to do something that we know is bad for us. This voice is telling us to reenter the burning building. But for what purpose? What is inside this building that will provide value to any of us?

I know it’s easier said than done. How do we ignore thoughts that consistently reverberate in our heads? How do we exchange negative behaviors with positive behaviors? How do we cope with life?

There is no easy answer, but I can almost guarantee that by feeding the addiction, everything will always be far worse than it has to be.

While I’d like to think that the next 51 weeks will be as easy as this past week in terms of avoiding my addictive tendencies, I realize that the rollercoaster of life has much more in store for me this year. That means I must be vigilant and prepared, but also, open to giving myself a break from time to time.

To err is to be human, right?

In the end, I’m doing my best to put as much distance between me and this burning building. I am choosing to never set foot in this burning building ever again since it is there to destroy me.

I hope you all are able to make a similar decision and will join me in my quest to find more suitable places to live and breathe in.