[Hope1]

Oh and he says I think I know it all because I am having a bit of help. I told him I didn’t know it all, that’s why I needed help and that I was listening to the guidance fro GMA therapy line. He just seems full of himself but not in a good way. The only time we see him being nice is when the g/ f is g
Here. I really am leaving it to him. I have sent a text to him saying he needs to be respectful of me and his dad .

[Hope1]

I have just had a conversation with our son and it didn’t go that well. I really know he’s not right because whilst he is being polite, if I raise any issues his voice gets raised and he becomes defensive and loud, something he talked about after re hab. I asked him if he had any strategies in place for when he gets paid this month, as he has told me this is a danger zone when he has access to a lot of money. He told me he had but wouldn’t tell me what they were. I told him if his g/ f asked me a direct question I would answer truthfully as it was wrong for him to control whether I spoke to her or not. He told me it was none of my business and I should just say speak to him. He said I was baiting him and realing him in and not listening, all of which I really believe to be untrue. I told him me and his dad needed our life to be more settled and whilst he lived with us he needed to be respectful and
that and that we can’t be on edge all the time about what’s coming next. I didn’t like his behaviour tonight and told him he wanted everything on his own terms. For example when g/ f is here he puts the happy act on. I told him tonight that if he didn’t want to communicate with us so be it, we will really leave it with him, but that I was not convinced he was in control of his addiction. He seems so angry when we try to ask him how things are. He said just because I was getting support I think I know it all. I really don’t like his tone or behaviour, I wish he would move out I have had enough of his lies and deceipt, I don’t like him at the moment, though I know I should say I don’t like his behaviour but I feel I don’t like him tonight. I have reminded him of his commitments with money, but after tonight, I really need to cut off from him. I told him that he will never do this without support. He tells me his in touch with previous GMA residents but not via the therapy lines. I can’t believe he is not in touch with the counsellors. Tonight I feel exasperated. He’s all take and no give. Well pay day is due next week, let’s see. Thanks velvet for the chat on Tuesday session. It was really helpful. I need to stop using my energy to make things right.

[Hope1]

I’m just back in from work, this is what happens, as soon as my mind is free from work I switch straight on to our son. I noticed in some of your support to others velvet, that you had 25 years of struggle with your son, we have had eight, I don’t think I can face the prospect of another 17 years!!!! I am wondering, do Gordon moody l
Do short term courses for a week or so for CG that are struggling? When our son went there I was so relieved, he seemed to really take everything on board. When he came home I felt I had my son back again. It was beautiful. I am sticking to the strategies and not given him any money. He’s going to work which is good. I really love him, but I don’t like him when the gambling monster is his friend, he is allowing his life to be ruined. At the moment he is being polite and saying thanks for his lunches and meals ( the only communication he engages us in) . It’s usually now that I say, ” come on, we can work this out , you can do it ..”. And start being the drive for him. This is where I think I have grown, cos it’s not up to me to be the drive, I can’t do it for him, I have got to stop trying to fix things and make everything good. But the big one for me is WHY. Why has this happened to him, what did we do wrong, why did we miss signs, were we too pre occupied. Our daughter feels he changed followingf the death of his grandmother which she feels affected him badly. He was the youngest, the baby and she doted on him. ( she did that with all three of our children). We know he has found it difficult to cope with difficult things like that, and when his dad was ill on holiday. So much, so much. I just wish everything was good for him. The thing is, I don’t think I can ever fully trust him again. At least this time there were no suicide threats, no disappearing and having to report him missing. The job appears to have grounded him. My husband has counselling services available through work, they asked a lot about our son, and mentioned autism, but I just think it’s another label, it’s the gambling that is the problem, but I do ask why are some people really susceptible to this addiction. Ah well, better go and put a wash on or something. Thanks so much for just being there hope xxx

[Hope1]

No communication coming from my son/ CG. So should I just leave him to it. I have thought about writing him a letter of where I think he is, and letting him know where we are ? What do you think ? Also, I can’t see or want him to have a future with his girlfriend. Can you imagine responsibilities, potential children with the parent being a CG

[Hope1]

The subject title doesn’t really convey what I am trying to say. Velvet, I am so appreciative of the hope you give me, and you really help me in my strategies. You are so articulate and so realistic, and informative, and amazing, I say this with such honesty. I guess you have so
Much experience of the problems of CG. You seem to have had a positive experience of having a loved one staying in recovery. The thing is, that on looking through the site there is so much of hopelessness , relapses etc. I am really struggling. Yes I get the being strong bit, the fo using of getting on with our life, but I see my son just going down this dead end with no future. I suppose I have to cut off if this is the route he takes, but my heart is breaking. I know he has no future if he continues to support his gambling demon. I am just so tired. We have a lovely family, with the ups and downs, but it would be nice to reap the rewards of Positive liFe experiences which I believe we have given to our kids. Obviously something has gone wrong somewhere. Tonight I have tried to talk with him, he just shuts off and goes to his room. I am being strong and will not give him any money. He has his train card paid for a month, food and a roof, he just needs to go to work. Where is this going to go? He can’t live with us forever with this set up, what. To do??????? Ahhhhhhhhhhh

[Hope1]

Thank you so much Velvet. Your words give me strength, they shine light on a dArk path, it’s like looking at the moon and the stars, so thank you. I so love my son, I know he can be a wonderful person but when he keeps losing his way it makes me feel so low. My husband has been in touch through this forum, we are both close and share , so I know he will find this helpful, because he has been the one to give him money to ‘join in at work’ I know my husband will take what you say on board. I feel stronger to ensure a barrier is in place from our sons addiction, and I know me and my husband will be united. Your words have been a great help, I know I feel I can move forward . So sorry I couldn’t log on to the live chat, I’m going to go to the help line to make sure I’m sorted for next week. I have just had a brief word with our son, who still fails to communicate, he just goes to work then goes to his room. How can someone so intelligent not see what he is doing to himself and those who love him? I am remembering this word, ” No ” to addiction. I know I sound strong, but I m not, I feel a piece of my heart is broken. My lovely mum who so loved our son, and sadly died many years ago at the age of 63, would be heartbroken at these circumstances, it’s so hard. Thank you velvet for your ongoing support.

[Hope1]

Tired and weary are feelings I recognise so much as the mother of a young CG. I have learnt that the only person who can help is the gambler himself. He needs to accept the problem and get the appropriate help. Be wary with the CG as they lie, they steal and they tell tales that they believe , in fact. They become deluded. My son got help and for a while did quite well, but he has relapsed again. My concern is will he ever be the son I knew or at least something like. I look for stories of success on here. I have found this site so helpful, and it has helped me to put things in perspective and keep my sanity, so you are definitely in the right place. Just make sure you protect you and your children, your husband like my son is a grown man, and they have to deal with the consequences of their action. My love goes out to you xxx

[Hope1]

Thank you velvet, I am hoping ,to join the group tomorrow. I hope you manage to get through your difficult day tomorrow. I look forward to your words which have helped me so much in the past, but the thing is I was hoping I didn’t need to seek help again. I just feel there is no end in site, and despite learning all the coping strategies, he is not using them,so is it he doesn’t want to move on? I so look forward to hearing from you

[Hope1]

You are right in every way Velvet. I do worry for his future, and I know that is one of his worries too. He has told me he feels far behind his peers, they have done the uni, moved out of the family home, have jobs, careers etc. I think he is feeling that’s it’s a long path and hill to climb. I think I give positive encouragement, by saying he needs to find peace and happiness from within, then everything else will fall into place.
He has recognised that he didn’t respond to the warning signs and he slipped into old habits. But the good news he has seen the after care support worker at GM this week, and I am hoping he will get on board with the support groups.
One of the things that does get me down is having to lock things away in my own home, the fear of him taking for us again because it does put a big dint in our finances. Although it’s not about the money, it is the taking of what isn’t his that is so annoying. Especially when both me and my husband still work hard. He has this thing about drawing the line under it, and he doesn’t like if I mention what he’s done, he just says he feels bad enough. When he came out of GM and it was all positive, I never went back on old ground, I kept positive, of course in this last relapse, it all came flooding to the surface. I am back on an even keel of positivity, and I don’t bring up the past in a negative way, but if I see any signs, I will tell him, we have been here before. I’m hoping it won’t come to that. I am looking forward to having a chat with him about his session at GM, he was positive when he got back. I really do appreciate you stories of success Velvet, are you able to give more information on the successes , etc, just snippets, Because, I think that is helpful. When I went to. GAM AM meeting the family version of GA the recovering gamblers kindly invited us into their group, I saw for myself that people had moved on in a positive way and had turned their lives around. I got really emotional because their stories were so familiar. I know each of us have our own journey and we are all different. I am just hoping and praying with all my hear and soul, that this time will be good. This takes energy, and I have been feeling really tired and low with it all. I have gone back on antidepressants, because my doctor thought I really needed to. Do you think I should let my son read my posts so he knows really how I feel, because just writing here somehow gives me freedom to let it all out, or is that not good for therapeutic reasons? For him? He is loving and sensitive, and when he is not in that bad place, I think he knows how what he has done has affected us. I have got him to sign an agreement re his behaviour and what would constitute him having to leave the family home. But for now I am in hope. Sorry to rant on so much. Thank you again for listening. Hope1

[Hope1]

Thanks worried mama for yor concern , appreciate.
Just bee n on F an F. It was good, but my the time goes quick. Hope I am using it correctly, I feel bad just talking about myself
I tried to chip in with stuff, it just takes so long to get the issues out. Forgive me if I’m not using it right.
I found it helpful, but sad to hear stud sad things, like break ups. It’s the future I worry about for my son. The uncertainty, but then again, who is certain about the future. Velvet, did your son find happiness and purpose? It’s seems he did, I think I need to hear about success and how the joirney to success was achieved

[Hope1]

Thank you so much for this velvet, every word you have written here is exactly how I feel, it mirrors what is going on in my life and in my heart, so thank you.
I know the recovery is hard, and whilst I can never know how my son feels, I know I am feeling pain for him.
I know he is feeling lost and tired at the moment. I am joining family and friends chat tonight. Thanks again

[Hope1]

Thanks for your comments, I may seem that I’ve handled it well, but I know that there’s much I can improve on, I know that I can’t be an enabler, that is vitally important. I say what i say to my son always with the best intention, sometimes because of my frustration and anger it doesn’t alway come out as it should. I felt I was losing heart, yet I know from reading some of velvet thread that it is possible for people to be in long term recovery. It’s such a hard journey for the CG. And me. My son has been lucky enough to have been on the GM programme, so I am grateful that 1 he accepted he had a problem, and 2 he was responsive to help. It’s just so important he uses the tools on a day to day basis. Thanks again

[Hope1]

Thanks Cathy, I thought you weren’t UK based by your term ‘mom’ Sound like we are in a similar position. And the ages are the same including the timeline of it starting at 18 to 19. I’m going to access velvety group on Tuesday. And think about a gam anon group. We have drawn, yet another line under this latest episode, and if he abuses us again or doesn’t stick to the rules, we will be asking him to leave. I have already got a list of bed sit accomm and given it to him because we have two other children, like you and we have our life, we are approaching retirement and it’s our time, so I do feel that I will really stick to our promise to him, that he must move out if he abuses us or does not stick to the rules, and I can’t be responsible for all his suicide threats. Thanks again,

[Hope1]

Thanks unity, but you say you are a CG and you say gamblers have the knack of abusing support, which clearly I am experiencing
As a CG are you saying you continue to abuse support. I appreciate what you are saying about your son, The issues I have with mine are all around gambling, we had no issues as him as a person before the gambling, so I hope you don’t mind me saying, that I am not clear on the point you are making and I mean this in the nicest way

[Hope1]

When you said the same song and dance that resonates so much with me, yes it is the same song and dance we have been here so many times and I’m sick of it, I am weary and angry xxx thanks for your share but will they get sorted. It’s the loss of hope that worries me. I believe in him S I knew him, but I feel I don’t really know him. Clearly for me it’s the lies, deceit, the manipulatin, the devious cunning nature that is repulsive.

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