[bosslady]

So i think we are on the right track…. My husband is now a little over 100 days off bet…still making weekly meetings and now a biweekly counselor and biweekly group therapy… hes opened up and gave the counselor permisson for me to contact if i ever have the need for counseling in regards to my coping or understanding what hes going through..and we are all going on a GA trip soon as well…i have seen some issues that make me question or maybe keep me on my toes so to speak..idk if its because im just still keeping my guard up because i was so emotionally hurt by everything…not just gambling but other issues that came from the addiction…ultimately yes because of the gambling but you know what i mean..i have continued to pray and trust in my God to guide me….im glad i listened to him (God ) even when i didn’t want to…i find our family is probably in a better place than it ever has been…im in a better place…

[bosslady]

I realized something yesterday…he made the comment months ago when everything first erupted “I don’t even know where to begin to take the hurt away that i put on you”. It’s not all just gambling but from the the counselor has said its all wrapped up in the addiction so i try to hold on to that. BUT with that being said yesterday i realized something. I realized he is doing exactly what he and i and we as a family need him to do. He’s changing….alot…i’ve noticed his patience level with the kids has increased leaps and bounds (that used to be a trigger for him to gamble) and he has been home…wanting to stay home and spend time with me and the kids..doing family things that he never was very interested in before…i can tell the kids notice it because they are so much happier and interact with him alot more as it used to just be me and the kids most of the time…he’s been coming to church…has been for a while now…i believe he’s found that peace with the Lord i have…that hope and that love that only knowing God is there no matter. There is no fix all to make me trust at the snap of the fingers but him loving me and the kids in a way he hasn’t before…i believe its a start to heal the wounds and eventually overcome it..

[bosslady]

When im referring to not being able to change i meant we cant change the past…thats whats been on my mind…the what has happened already…again i dont dwell on it…its just there..like a dirty pile of clothes in a corner that you know its there but you dont wanna look at it..i would love to forget..i have forgiven and i love him and want him…but i want that trust back…i want that dirty pile of laundry gone…

[bosslady]

i had to get off yesterday when posting…is there someone who has had this similar experience? if so any advice on learning to trust? i want to but things pop in my thoughts and me not forgetting is the reason he said we would not be able to make things work…but its different and hard to explain…i remember but i don’t focus or dwell on it like i would have in the past…i never realized before just how much i loved my husband until everything fell apart, i toke him and our marriage for granted…and i really dont discuss my thoughts with him that pop up because honestly i feel it wouldnt do any good…we cant change anything and he has been trying very hard and i dont want him to think “what else do i have to do to make it right” kinda thing…as time goes by i feel like we are in a new normal and that everything that happened was so long ago even though it wasnt…im reaching out to a counselor that specializes in addiction for addicts and there families so maybe i can get some guidance…

[bosslady]

Trying to keep it simple….i have a tendency to overthink..wondering whether hes being honest or doing anything im not aware of (gambling or anything else) Im not obsessing just still have a super high guard up i guess….im a very insecure person so it makes it worse ..thanks for reading suggestion i really liked Matthew 8. This weekend i spent my time with family and bible/shows about the crusifiction and ressurection of Christ…Easter has a very new meaning to me now after being saved…One day at a time…sometimes one hour at a time..I finally toke the step and made some actual plans that includes me seeing him commited to me/us/family further out than today…I don’t think he realizes how much his actions have changed me…he says he does but i really don’t think he gets it…i look at him differently…i forgive him don’t get me wrong…that anger and bitterness is not there but the level of trust that ive had for 17 years is gone and i dont know if or when or even how to get that back and he doesnt either..

[bosslady]

Still taking things day to day…ive been doing alot of things i like to do…my job got reduced immensly which sucks for money but im getting alot more free time…ive been able to get alot of cleaning and doing alot more cooking which i enjoy..ive been spending alot of time in my bible and bible studies..prayer calms my nerves..i have noticed lately since i do have more free time im thinking a little too much…i can’t spend my life waiting for the shoe to drop but its so hard to look at tommorrow let alone next week..i don’t like to plan anything because im still scared of everything crashing down again..i guess what im saying is its one day at a time because i can’t trust enough to depend on tomorrow..i hope one day i can but were not there yet…

[bosslady]

The only way for him to stop gambling is for him to want to stop…if he doesnt want to he wont…he will find a way…he needs to recognize the problem and want the help otherwise your care may be turned into something negative..trying to be non judemental and calm when talking to him may help him to open up to you and realize his issues..my husband did that until it all blew up in his face and he realized he was out of control..he shut me out completely..told me he didnt love me and went as far as wanting a divorce (together for 17 years) turned to others who told him what he wanted to hear..BUT when he was ready for help..hes been reaching out for it , communicating, and trying, he is around 50 days off Bet..

[bosslady]

Thank you Lily….i do need to continue to focus on me…i still am spending time in the word and will continue to do so..have bible studies with the ladies…and my church time..i do need to try to have more time to excercise like i had been but thats always been my weakness right there…i wouldnt say my happiness is dependant on his but i do need to make sure it doesnt go that way again because thats were i had been…(yesterday he woke up aggrivated and grumpy and told me so..i told him figure out his mood and look up a scripture in the bible that refers to it and i went about my business..and for him it worked..and for that im glad)

[bosslady]

the trust im referring to is not in his gambling but his need to lie about little things…minor things just to keep from causing any issues or upsets…i told him he needed to talk to his counselor because it seems its gotten so normal for him to lie it flies out of his mouth without realizing it does..so i havent been questioning just watching… and living out life…he hasnt given me any reason to think anything negative so i wont…its day by day..prayer after prayer..he has started coming to church more often and really seems to enjoy it and getting something from it..making small changes he probably doesnt even realize but i do…our kids do…hes home..more than he ever has been…talks to us…spends time with us…makes plans with us…its been a good week…

[bosslady]

I think two things have caused the lieing…his addictions..and my past reactions…Before i was saved i was not the nicest person..and i know that…my reactions were quick to anger and everything was black and white..while now i pretty much live in a gray area where forgivness and understanding have to rule my everyday…i get where it is hard for him to accept and realize just how different my heart is now…if i would not have changed we would not be able to be together..i would have broke and not been able to handle the stress of the memories of betrayel….Idk if certain things…like not wanting to tell me his passwords for things ive given him mine(he says he cant remember it but thats been a lie in the past as well)…is his hiding nature he’s had to adopt or if he truly is hiding something…or is he truly being honest..idk..i want transparency….i want him to feel like he can flip through me like an open book and i the same..i need that to be able to start to get that trust and security back…i love him and i know he loves me…i see it everyday…he wouldnt be here if he didnt…he had a comfortable place to be…where he was being cared for and not questioned or challenged…One day at a time..its hard for me to hold back…i dont want to but i know i need to protect myself…i feel like if i have complete faith in him and take his word for things i will be let down again and again..i want to be supportive…as much as he will let me but i already told him i will not enable him or allow myself to be used…i cant lose myself again…i love the changes i’ve made…i feel stronger and happier with myself and My God..I know this is not and will not be an easy road but i feel like our marriage our family and he is worth every bit of effort..

[bosslady]

We have had so many family engagements going on it has been hard to just be still for a while…..i caught him in a lie yesterday…over something that was an honest mistake…i told hime id rather him confess the mistake then lie to me…because its as if idk whats true and whats not…and it wasnt pertaining to gambling or anything serious in nature..but his reaction was to lie instead of possible make me angry or for us to argue… id rather argue…we never did for 17 years and this is were we are…id rather argue or discuss or hash out the issue then be lied to because a lie always come back..he told me the lie just came out of nowere and he didnt even know why he felt the need to lie…and that is something he wants to discuss with his counselor…

[bosslady]

I have been ready for him to come home…And i think he needed the help of his counselor to decide if/when he was ready..He came home “officially” day before yesterday… one of the things i have always done has been in control of every aspect of the household…i don’t want that to be the case anymore i need to let go of some of the responsibilities ( but i still keep a close eye for his follow through and work with him in decision making process) and allow him to make decisions and see how the bills and finances work..we have seperate accounts and each have specific bills we are responsible for now…(we have been doing this since we seperated three months ago and will continue this for now)..In doing this i have noticed a DRAMATIC difference in his attitude toward money…he has been talking about researching ways to help pay down our debt (which we dont have much at all)…ways to cut down bills we have now…he never cared about spending and blowing money before…he traded in his big truck a month ago for a more cost effective small car and cut that note in half and was so proud when he did…My controling everything was enableing him not to care or take responsiblity for our household and made me the constant bad guy…while i will not release control of all finances because i still have to protect kids and myself first…i do believe this is and has been important and beneficial for both of us..
Velvet you are so right about us being on two seperate roads…i told him i am there to listen when he needs me to but what he discusses with the counselor i dont need to know about or want to unless he feels its important i do..what he tells them might hurts my feelings…make me question my trust or just plain make me think too much about things not even in my control so to me theres no need to pry..I am very open with him about my new faith..and hes supportive…and seems to enjoy hearing what i have to say….i wont force it on him…although i hope he finds his way to God that too is his own road just like this one is my own…Im still out there finding myself..i like myself for the first time in a long time…and its strange it has taken something so hard to make something so good happen….God Bless

[bosslady]

The past week has been very confusing…my CG has been home alot off and on…still jittery the first few days… and then he said Saturday he recognized whats causing his jitters/triggers to want to gamble..and was able to put himself out of the situation and let the want to pass…He is seeing a counselor and i think that is helping him to weed through his thoughts and feelings and im very glad because he seems to be calmer…recognizing things he can do to divert his thoughts/wants..this is also us starting fresh from months of hurt and confustion…yesterday he came home and stated he was ready to come home and asked if i would be willing to learn about what he is going through…join his groups on open family night if i like and be open to help supporting him…of course i do..but i told him i cant do it for him he has to do the leg work but i will be there to support him, talk to him, listen to him, etc.. BUT there have been changes within myself…there are things in my life that are new and i will not allow myself to be consumed by him and him alone again…suffering from Codependency its important i have my own time and hobbies and interests as well…Church twice a week is my time with God and im excited my children are following suit and enjoying it too..and the wed he is off he has been showing up to services too..I’ve also been taking part in biweekly bible studies and im enjoying being around other wives/mothers during these studies..

[bosslady]

My days have been better…i have been spending more time concentrating on doing things i have been putting off for so long…and feeling good about getting it done…my husband has been spending a good amount of time here but im not expecting anything as of now…i don’t want to be let down when he leaves to go back to his grandparents (were he is living temporarily)..so i prepare myself and pray..spend my time when im alone at night in my bible and joined a ladies bible study as well..he knows he can come home but is waiting until he feels he can have a “game plan” on how to keep himself in check and not take his issues out on myself and our children…im seeing slight changes that im really happy about..his view towards our finances and bills are more important to him and taking the responsiblity to help me manage the bills that he takes care of out of his checks…also im noticing he has been more attentive of my feelings this week (thats new, hes always been selfish and its gotten pretty bad until the addiction came to light) and that really makes me feel good… he’s been showing up to Church on the days he is off of work and allows me to pray with him occasionally and thanks me for it ( my faith is new and a change not only for my but for him)..I feel like things are moving in the right direction…im realizing life is not so black and white anymore…there is no your either with me or your not…the gray area is so huge in an addicts life its hard to organize my thoughts sometimes..especially since we have three kids involved…i do suffer from codependency..and have been in counseling for it and made alot of progress for myself during our time apart..

[bosslady]

i see him making progress and i guess the codependent selfish part of me is sitting back going “what about me?” I know he is just begginning his recovery i believe of alot more than just the gambling addiction….i have forgiven him for his recent betrayels but that does not mean i don’t hurt…esppecially when i have to be reminded of it from time to time..i will not throw it in his face or beat him down with it..i feel hes done that to himself enough if not still…but tonite im hurt and lonely and missing him..we are taking steps to safeguard our marriage..which im really happy hes open to… and im continueing to build my new relationship ive found with God…i pray alot…for him…for us…for our future..for our kids…i want him home..not life back to normal…but changed…better…and i know i need patience..and i talk to much …and think too much…tommorrow will be better..glad i have this site to open up to…its so hard not having anyone close by…

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