[izzi25]

It’s been a very long time since I’ve been on this site, I’ve been battling my journey on the road to recovery offline. Recently things have picked up well for me & life was looking great as I enjoyed my gamble free days. In fact I met someone who was absolutely incredible, sweet, generous and I couldn’t believe that after all the heartache of cg that I was with someone who I loved deeply and he felt the.same. I told him about the addiction and how it destroyed me and that I was clean and seeing a counsellor. He was a bit non-chalamt about, not concerned at all. He even gave me money to pay off debts which I did and sent him proof. In my eagerness to get out of debt quickly in order to start saving towards getting a house with my boyfriend i found myself at the pokies yesterday and within hours I lost an entires pay salary. My boyfriend had told me to call him if I had urges but I ignore that thought yesterday cause I was going to win. Well I lost everything and I told my boyfriend and now he wants nothing to do with me and I’m completely heart broken. He told me that I’m a fraud and that I’ve been using him this entire time and he was stupid for trusting me. I don’t blame him for being mad and feeling betrayed but I don’t know where the above things have come from. I thought our love was strong enough and no one feels more terrible and horrible.then l do. In fact I left work because I couldn’t stop crying andy body is physically shaking. He gave me a lecture about not being strong enough to stay at work.

I screwed up so bad and now my future is gone and I am at my wit’s end about this.

Please help with advice how can I redeem myself, I told him I’m.happy for him to have full control of my pay.

[dunc]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you ??

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[Gbabyh]

What’s done is done. Maybe you can repair the damage to your relationship caused by CG, I’m not the one to tell. However, I would advise you to first set up blockades to prevent you from acting on your gambling urges. Stopping the gambling has first priority and then you can focus on the relationship because you saw what it did to it.
The most common blockades are excluding yourself from any physical and online casino that you know of and If possible, give up control of your bank account to someone you can trust and get allowances from him/her.

I hope that once you have stopped the bleeding that you can work your way back to your boyfriend, it seemed like you had a good thing going there.

I wish you the best

– Chris

[izzi25]

Thanks Chris, l told him that I’m happy for my pay to go into his bank account etc and I’ll do whatever it takes to repair it and get on the right track with both him and CG. I asked to see him tonight to talk in person earlier today and he said no, I asked again not too long ago and he suddenly has friends over tonight even though he told me he has to get up early tomorrow morning. So understandbly his hurt & he needs more time. I just need to know whether his going to give me a chance. He told me he would call me tonight.

This is my first relapse with him in my life and I didn’t think he would take it to heart so much, he keeps telling me I lied to him.because I never called him last night to discuss my urges and that he had a feeling I was a user. These words etch deep inside me like a sharp knife. Tomorrow doesn’t seem so bright and I don’t know what to do financially as I have no money for the next 30 days, this all seems trivial though in light of losing him.

[Gbabyh]

I remember my first relationship – first real love. She broke it off with me when I told her that I’ve been a CG the entire time with her and prior to meeting her. At the time I was relapsing and so my financials were a mess, but none of that mattered. It was the relationship and the uncertainty of its future that was worrying me, not the gambling, not the money…

I hope that he calls you and gives you another chance, but I’m afraid that there is nothing else you can now but to let him come to you.

[Meghna83]

well done firstly for telling him the truth before your relapse and now.

He knew that you are a CG. It’s probably his way of dealing with the pain by blocking you off. My ex was like that and it never helped the situation with us. I found it quite selfish to be honest from my ex‘s part. I loved him and had to wait until he was willing to see and communicate with me. Our problems were not about CG though as I never gambled with him the 8 years we were together.

It must be extremely painful for you but you took the right steps in suggesting to put your wages in his account.

As hard as it may be, please focus on your recovery and what steps you can take to getting back to being GF. This is your journey against your addiction and it may bring some pain with it. If your boyfriend loves you and wants a future with you, he will be by your side to support yoU. Clearly you want to overcome this relapse and I hope that he eventually sees that. 

I told my husband I lost ￡19,000 within half an hour, minutes after it happene. Couldn’t deal with the guilt. Though he was angry and shocked by my actions, he forgave me and has been supporting me with my steps to avoid doing it again, including cancelling cards and including his name on my account. 

[charles]

Hi Izzy, All you can do is focus on you and the things you can do to make your next bet less likely. Things like getting back to posting here regulalrly, maybe getting to GA meetings, excluding from gambling sites, putting blockers in place etc The actions that help us stop gambling are the actions that might help rebuild trust etc with those around us. Whatevert happens with this relationship you need to focus on you and your gambling addiction. That way you will be better placed to deal with this or any other relationship in the future.

You could also show him this site.  He would see that you aren’t alone with ths problem, he will see the success stories and that there can be light at the end of the tunnel.  He might alsoo find using the Friends and Family Forum useful as well.

[izzi25]

I can relate that’s how I feel, sorry that if never worked out. He did call me last night, he had many questions and was super judgemental and couldn’t understand…..I will be seeing him tomorrow to talk more.

[izzi25]

Hey thanks for your message.

I felt like some of the stuff he said was really selfish but I had to bite my tounge because I was on the verge of losing him. He doesn’t understand how I relapsed, what my motivation is and that their is no little voice that lures you to cg and nothing I said helped him understand. He said that now I have to be watched for the rest of my life and his always going to wonder what I’m doing. I hope with time when he sees my progress he will begin to trust me again. 

We will be seeing each other over the weekend and discuss further. I wonder if he should speak to my counselor with him there maybe she can give him another perspective.

[izzi25]

Thanks Charles, that’s a great idea! I did try and tell him about success stories but he was too much in his head to really listen to me, I will try again.

[Berta24449787]

I dont mean to sound insensitive but if he is going to turn on you the first time you make a mistake with him- it’s not the first time you made that mistake but it is the first time with him- then perhaps he’s not for you. He doesnt sound all that supportive when the chips were down, and thats when you need him to be. You have an issue, same as a lot of people. What would you tell me if my boyfriend dumped me over this? Keep your journey going on the right track and keep him in the back of your mind as something else you have lost over gambling, but dont punish yourself more than you already have. A little understanding goes a long way. Much longer than a kick in the pants which is all he seems to be able to share with you after you made a mistake.

[Meghna83]

Hi Izzi How are things? Any progress with communication with your bf ?

its not easy when it comes to loved ones. Have hope and do fight for your relationshi too. Walking away isn’t always the answer or easy.work through it and be patient 

tough time but you will come out of this much stronger 

[izzi25]

Today is another day of celebrating being CG clean & the feelings of guilt and shame are slowly unhinging.

Things with Sam are good & we are both working on our trust issues. I get paid in just over two weeks and I’ll be arranging for my pay to go into his bank account. We are working on a budget (a better one) to get out of debt quicker and start saving. I have a question regarding this, he will have full control of my money and whilst I trust him a part of me feels that I should request work to direct deposit a $100 of my pay (get paid monthly) and the rest can go to Daniel. Just in case I need quick cash or something happens between Daniel and I (at least I have something in the bank). Now do I need to tell him this? He doesn’t know how much I get paid. However I don’t want to be deceptive, it is my money though and he doesn’t have access to my bank account so he won’t know it’s there. Now this isn’t some tactic to get money to cg, I’m just concerned about giving him all my money and it’s only $100.

This has caused me to lose sleep, please tell me your honest thoughts.

Izzi25

[izzi25]

Thanks for your advice and posting your thoughts. Sam has been helping me this month financially because I lost my entire pay recently & because of that I know I can trust him. Before the relapse he did give me money to help me pay off debt, which I did. We were going to open a joint account next month perhaps it’s best it gets done beforehand. Even with the joint account I still feel like I would like some $ to go into my personal bank account, like $120 a month – which isn’t at all but I found some peace of mind in that.

Maybe I can talk to him.about it, although he may not understand my thinking or justification.

[izzi25]

Another day clean & it feels good! Feeling strong enough to handle anything that comes my way. Sam and I are doing good & we are going to talk finances this weekend, I’m actually excited about it.

How is everyone else doing? Stay away from the machines they are nasty!

[dunc]

Hi Izzi

Great to see your feeling positive and are ready to talk finances. Recovery should be fulfilling and exciting however this is also the time we think were strong enough to handle anything that complacency creeps in.

Take it slow and consider everything, the big decisions are the ones we focus on… the seemingly irrelevant decisions we tend to overlook, its these that come back to bite

Keep going and be kind to yourself

[charles]

Hi Izzy,

Read up to what you were posting at the top of this thread, jsut a shjort time ago when you thought you were losing your b/f.

Trust was the biggest issue so my advie would be to be as open as you can now. If you want easier access to a small sum of money thne there is still no reason why you can’t be accountable for how it is spent. If you need it in an emergency then you can show him the recept for that emergency.

You stopped gambling before and trhen stopped posting here – I hope you learn from that and keep using support to maintain your recovery.

Keep posting and let us know how that discussion with your b/f went.

[izzi25]

Hey everyone,

Things are going good and me and my boyfriend are still together and going well. I got paid 5 days ago and I haven’t had any desires to gamble, my money is in one of my bfs accounts which he has given me a keycard to, he also has access to check my spending. For now this is working for us & we are putting things in place to maximise debt reduction. I have managed to pay off one of my credit cards and will be calling the bank soon to close it. I am so happy to think that my debt is now under 19,000 -i can breathe again.

Thanks for all the love

[Meghna83]

I am so pleased for you. Well done for reaching out to your partner and allowing him to support you with this problem 

congratulations and I wish you many more GF days. Heads up!!!!

[charles]

Well done Izzy,
You hae stopped before so you knw you can do it again. This time make sure you keep in touch here. If we need help to stop gambling then it is also important to maintain recovery. I couldn’t stop on my own and I have no reason to think I could stay stopped on my own either. Keepp posting.

[izzi25]

I am going to be the death of our relationship, this is what I said to my partner tonight and when he asked why, I had to tell him for the third time in the past 3-4 months that I gambled and lost alot of money. Regardless of what I really need to say to him, it all goes out the window cause he just gets so mad and his reaction surprises me all the time, maybe more out of his ignorance for the addiction. It is hard explaining to him that yes I love him and care for him and when I say I want to stop, I mean it at the time and gambling or choosing to gamble doesn’t mean I don’t love you any less, their is no on or off switch but he doesn’t quite get it and I don’t blame him. As soon as I told him tonight that I lost $700 (lost way more but he was too angry so I have to tell him tomorrow) he asked me to leave the house and that he did not want to see me this week. He proceeded to lecture me as I packed my stuff but then told me he doesn’t want me to leave as I was going . We contacted some counselling place that is open till 10pm tonight but no one answered and I left a message. He wants to sit with me on my counselling sessions so he understands why I do it and how he can support me. Does anyone have advice, or recommendations for counsellors in Melbourne and even things he can read up himself?

He does not trust me anymore, our relationship is about to end. Tonight I said I CAN’T BE TRUSTED WITH MONEY, you need to remove that temptation from me because I am not strong enough. I wan’t to stop but right now I can’t! When I was gambling tonight I thought I was going to throw up the anxiety was overwhelming, win or lose it was all the same to me. I can’t live a life like this, what kind of future is it for me or for him? A part of me wishes he would just leave me because I deserve it, far out I don’t even deserve to be alive – that is how I think sometimes. This addiction has crippled me, sucked and removed every inch of joy I have ever experienced and now I have found this incredible man who I love and have waited so many years for and this addiction is going to take him to and I am so scared because I don’t want to lose him.

And I don’t know how to make him understand that cause all he sees is me saying I won’t relapse and then I do.

I am at my wits end. Please help!

[hambone]

You don’t sound capable of controlling yourself, and it isn’t fair to put that burden on your partner. You need to remove the option to gamble completely. Self exclude where ever you’re gambling. Give up financial control. Give access to your accounts to your partner, leave yourself an allowance. Dont rely on yourself or your partner to stop you from gambling, make it impossible for you to gamble.

I promise, once you stop for awhile, your brain will slowly heal and it will get easier. Eventually, you will look back and wont believe you lived like this.

[Meghna83]

Izzi,

Well done for coming back on the forum and admitting your relapse. Let’s focus on the positives because that is ultimately what will help you beat the addiction. I do believe that your partner can play an important role in your recovery and you should rely on Him for help (as well as others) he can take away cards and have access to your finances to help pay for things. He knows you best and will be able to pick up on the signs when things aren’t going well and respond to that. Perhaps he can join the friends and family forum on here and read some of the threads others have posted, including mine!he needs to know what he is dealing with amd How best to support your recoverY.

It does ultimately lie with you to make the right choice. It is a choice to gamble or not and with the right help you can overcome your responding to gambling urges.

I understand about you concealing the actual amount you lost. The amount doesn’t matter, what matters is you relapsed. Now your focus should be on avoiding this path and finding strategies to stop G. 

1. Keep coming on GT and posting or reading others threads. I have come on almost everyday to read others stories, post myself and I due to this I feel a sense of Achievement in my journey. I have read about others challenges, relapses and also success in years of GF days. I have even gone way back to 8 year old posts to read people’s experiences.
2. Stay vigilant. Know that you can slip if you become complacent in your recovery. Keep the struggles you felt, lived alive in your mind to act as a shield against gambling 
3. Believe in yourself. I personally dislike the defeatist mindset. If I give up on myself and think gambling will always be part of me or that it will always win, how will I possibly be free of it? I don’t give a second thought about so and so that relapsed after 10 months clean or 10 years clean. I think that I can be clean because it is me. I will choose not to gamble and I won’t. I will never even entertain the possibility of a relapse because it would weaken my resolve to be free of it. Believe that you can be free of gambling Izzi.                                                  Do keep us posted on your experience. 

[Meghna83]

“You don’t sound capable of controlling yourself, and it isn’t fair to put that burden on your partner. “ starting off a response on that note is neither helpful nor is it constructive ??

[charles]

Hi izzi,

“…….all he sees is me saying I won’t relapse and then I do…..”

Yes, I made those “never again” promises myself, sometimes I even meant them but it is a tough adiction. At the moment there is no reason for hiom to believe a word you say.

As has been said before on this and previous threads – it is actions that *****. The actions that will help you stop gambling are the same actions that can help rebuild trust etc with your partner.

Yes, actions like the barriers and making yourself ac*****able for the finances – completely ac*****able. Also actions in geting support – posting here regularly, getting to GA meetings, using other support.

So what actions are you going to show him? At the end of the day the choice you have is to either take those actions or comeback here after another time period and tell us about your next bet. I hope you make the right choice and that we can read about the positive actions that you are taking.

[izzi25]

Meghna83 – thank you so much for the support and great advise, I read it to my partner and he agreed with what you said and it felt good for him to see someone else’s perspective. We have spoken a bit more about this and are working on getting counselling together (well he listens), I am currently back at uni and have no free time at all and I know a part of him is hoping being busy distracts me. He is hand feeding me drips of money and wants proof of all bills I pay etc, he is going away this weekend which will help me put everything in perspective as I haven’t had much alone time, I really need the time to think and process all that has happened over the week. 

I am continuing to remain CG free and remind myself CG will just ruin me and today I choose not to let it. 

[Meghna83]

Izzi 

I am so glad that you and your partner found my message useful. I too have found so much support on this forum, even those that had left messages years back. I messaged Jonny who went from complete Ruin to saying today I quit and stuck to it.  He messaged back too after a long time away from GT.

you can achieve so much together by talking about your problems and building barriers to block G when you are at your weakest moments

i tell you what keeps me gf is knowing that I am missing nothing. I have everything to gain and nothing to lose by staying gf

I sleep at night

i no longer hide my phone 

i am no longer paranoid about anyone finding out

i no longer check my bank balance every second

I face everyday issues with a clear mind 

I am less of an overly emotional,  impulsive partner 

I no longer feel self loathing and guilt

i No longer feel like I am a bad person

i am more confident 

So if I gamble I basically take on the opposite of that all. I welcome all those problems back into my life.

I say no for now and forever, 

you can too …

[izzi25]

It has been a while since I posted, just over a month ago my partner and I broke up due to me gambling a couple of times that week, he just had enough and he couldn’t take me breaking his trust, he was worried that this cycle would destroy him. A part of me doesn’t blame him, he lived in constant fear of another relapse and it really hurt him every time. After my last relapse happened that was the bottom for me, the bottom I had been waiting to encounter and it was the revelation I needed. I picked myself up that day and promised myself NO MORE. I also realised how much I loved my partner and how foolish and selfish I was to do this to him. And I know that it is an addiction but dragging him into it all made me miserable and it made him miserable. A few days after this all happened, while I was still processing everything and dealing with the consequences of everything I went to see my partner so I could pick my things up from his place. He did not want to talk, I made him talk and it was mainly him yelling, I saw the hurt I caused him and the brokenness and pain in his eyes and it tore me. That day, while he was telling me to pack my things up and leave I told myself that this was something I wouldn’t let gambling steal from me because he was too precious to me. He gave me another chance that day the one and only chance and I have not disappointing him since. That day losing was too much of a painful reminder of how much gambling has stolen from me and how many thousands and thousands of my hard earned dollars had been wasted. I also made some decisions that week to remove the things that stressed me and would trigger me to cg and that was my degree. I was halfway through my degree and I was only continuing on because I believed it gave my life meaning/purpose but it was too stressful and I was not enjoying it but I wanted to please my family so I kept going. My family don’t even know yet that I dropped out and I don’t regret it one bit.

My partner and I co-handle my finances, with him having the most control of everything. My money is in his bank account and he sets the limits on everything which has helped alot. Work have also changed my pay frequency from monthly to fortnightly which has also helped me tremendously, I feel like I have more control over my finances and can see more of an impact that they have on my debt/expenses when it comes in every two weeks. I know this sounds weird but it has really shifted the mentality I had towards the way I looked at money, like it was just a means and it wasn’t important. And the great thing is, I have money left over by the end of the pay fortnight, not much but in comparison to when I would lose all my money come pay day its a big change and I appreciate everything so much more because of it.

My partner is so supportive and has told me to focus on paying off my debt as much as possible and he will take care of any expenses that creep up etc, he is proud of me and has seen the progress I have made in the past month. We are also in a better place, it is a slow uphill road earning his trust again.

My mind is alot clearer, don’t think about gambling as often as I use to, I still get the little devil on my shoulder but I know it is just a passing thought, if I let the thought pass me by.

Life has not been this bright in the longest time and I am so excited about the future, excited about building the life I have always dreamed but always thought it was a fantasy because of what this illness took from me.

Keep your head up high and keep dreaming everyone ??

[izzi25]

Hey Everyone,

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year ??

It has been a while since I posted last, so much has happened since my last post. The past couple of months I have struggled to stop gambling, been in self denial about not being in control. A part of me has felt this huge pressure that my debt is a liability to my current relationship and I used that as motivation to gamble and to be able to pay off more of the debt, we all know how that ends. Well for me it resulted in me losing all my pay and now having two cash advance loans on top of my current debt. As soon as I lost the last bit of money on the last loan I just knew it was now, or never so I self banned myself and started counselling last week. My brain is still detoxing and fighting urges but it feels so good to have a safety net set in place, it makes the temptation so much easier to deal with. My partner broke up with me when I told him what happened, he had enough of the lies and deceit. We ended up getting back together but he is still very angry and very dirty on me, he believes its just a matter of time before I go back and relapse and he doesn’t know how to handle it. I have tried to explain things to him but he doesn’t get it, or understand and I can’t blame him. However his negativity towards me isn’t helping me in a time I need him to be supportive and I understand it is also hard for him. He told me yesterday that his really hurt by my actions and I told him I don’t know what to say or do in response since sorry isn’t enough for him and that getting help right now doesn’t seem to stand for alot in his eyes. He cracked it that I don’t have another booked appointment with the counsellor even though I said to him I already told her we will re-connect next year, I always just text her and she is always has availability. My actions have been selfish and I understand I am responsible for the damage I caused but having him lecture me about my bad choices and just be negative about it all doesn’t help, it makes things worse, I already feel so guilty and so terrible. And the truth is I know he has stuck around and I am thankful for that but I need to put myself first and if he continues on like this I don’t know how much more I can take.

Really need advice on how to deal with him, how to make hi understand. I suggested we have some space and he doesn’t want that, its either we stick together or we break things off and right now in my recovery I don’t think my heart can handle a break up. We also live together (it is his place) and I don’t have the financial means to just find my own place. I love him and I want us to work, I always want to get clean and to be with someone who will support me instead of just waiting for me to stuff up, I know its probably a defense mechanism for him and I have exposed him to a world he never knew.

Any advice, tips, suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Today is day 10 of being cg free ??

[Seanraj4731]

I feel your emotions in your words you typed on this forum. I have that same experience with my wife. On October 2019 my wife filed for divorce after giving me too many chances with the gambling lifestyle. Even though that was an eye opener to get my life in order i still went and gamble. Told her lies abt where the money is going poor accountability. After all she had all my bank cards and credit cards. Yes it was a messed up feeling. Leads to poor health and worse Death! Izzi we have made mistakes and we find excuses to try to justify what we have done but when it is mounting too much we buckled under pressure and the urge to get that high the thrill of winning comes to mind that where the strong will of resisting or rewiring that mindset of staying focus on staying free and start focusing more on self worth. Better health and an awesome mentally. Izzi you are gonna start rewiring your mind and it starts with you and what you are telling yourself each moment from now on. Observe your thoughts especially when you got money in your hands what plays on your mind is it” cmon lets place some bets in you are gonna win big to pay off your debts!!” Thats the lie the casinos placed on your mind. The battle is in your mind you are gonna start realizing the more you fight or resist you are gonna make that change. Stop chasing losses. Its not worth your precious and most valuable asset that is your Health. Now you have 10 days GF. I encourage you to keep posting on your progress. Just as i am you are gonna overcome this. Thank you for being honest. And yes honesty in your relationship is a perfect start. Please click on this link below and you can also view more of his video on his channel Soldiers of Self Mastery

https://youtu.be/gxKf4PMTpdI

[charles]

Hi Izzy,

I’d give pretty much the same advice you have had before.

The thing I might add is look at your posts,many of them start “It has been a while since I posted last…….” It’ll help you if you change that, stay close to support and keep posting so you don’t need that line.

[izzi25]

Straight off the bat let me just say it feels really good to be posting something positive and not about how I failed again! Going on possibly week 7 cg free and things feel so good.
I have self excluded myself and doing my best to keep on top of my urges. My partner and I are doing well and we had a couples counselling session regarding the addiction issue which was insightful and helpful for both of us and it also answered some questions and concerns my partner has had.

I know that this is but the beginning of something that never truly goes away and I am hopeful as I take each day as it comes.

Hope to post more frequently as I free up some time.

Have a nice weekend everyone.

Izzi

[izzi25]

Straight off the bat let me just say it feels really good to be posting something positive and not about how I failed again! Going on possibly week 7 cg free and things feel so good.
I have self excluded myself and doing my best to keep on top of my urges. My partner and I are doing well and we had a couples counselling session regarding the addiction issue which was insightful and helpful for both of us and it also answered some questions and concerns my partner has had.

I know that this is but the beginning of something that never truly goes away and I am hopeful as I take each day as it comes.

Hope to post more frequently as I free up some time.

Have a nice weekend everyone.

Izzi

[izzi25]

thanks so much for taking the time to share such a heart felt message and for the great advice, it is really apperciated. Hope you are doing well, keep me updated please.

[izzi25]

survived another weekend without gambling, tomorrow will be week 7, doesn’t sound like much but I can’t remember the last time I was this clean. Sure, I am still in debt and don’t have much money to my name but its better then being in debt. My partner and I are working things through slowly and I know with time everything with work itself out.

[Seanraj4731]

Hi lizzi so good to read from you. Congrats on 7 weeks being free. I am happy for you. Please continue to do what you are doing in terms of staying positive about life.

Stay strong

Stay blessed

Be positive.

Be thankful

[Montserrat]

Hi Izzy

Thanks for brutal honesty and sharing you’re story. I am so proud of you for fighting this addiction. Wow 7 weeks are something to be proud of. 

Don’t dwell on the past it Wil only lead us back to a destructive life of gambling. 

Looking forward hearing more of you’re positive stories since you are in a good frame of mind and fighting this addiction day by day. 

Regarding you’re debt it may seem overwhelming but we can only take it day by day. Remember what got us all in trouble the first place was chasing that one big win to make the debt disappear but it is all an illusion even if we won millions we were trapped in the gambling life and would most probably lost it all and more. 

Keep positive and stay clean. 

Very proud of you

[izzi25]

Hi everyone,

Hope everyone is keeping safe, things are crazy at the moment with the pandemic and my heart goes out to everyone and their families.

With a happy heart I can report that I am still clean, my last little stint was Christmas Eve and it feels great to say in 2020 I haven’t gambled. Every year prior to this I would tell myself around this time that it’s almost your birthday (it is in April) and now if any don’t spend a year older living this life style and I almost desired to stop but for once I know my birthday wish will come true. My partner has been supportive and I am seeing a counselor once a month, I have self excluded from many places and my urges are less and less. I am still keeping an eye out on emotional triggers and tell myself when I do think about gambling that it is just a passing thought. Wow it has been over 10+ weeks and I have seen a major shift in my attitude, perspective and stress levels. My cash advances have all been paid and I now have one more larger loan that is interest free and an overdraft on an account I need to pay off and save. Not too concerned, my aim is to save what I can and when I have around 3-4000 dollars to pay off the overdraft and start to pay more towards the interest free loan. Given what is currently happening in the world, this plan may need to be suspended especially if I lose my job, I work for a start up company and if we are hit hard by the economy I believe in two months I will be jobless. This does not create fear like it would if I was still gambling and it gives me no desire to run to a pokies machine and try and win a few hundred dollars just in case, as that money can come in handy. All I can do is try and save as much as I can over the next couple of months, be smart and be open with my partner. He also may lose his job, we have even begun talking openly about what we would do if that happened. I am fortunate enough that he has savings and that we would be fine for three months if we were both became unemployed.

Some more happy news for me, my partner and I have just started trying for a baby and I have my fingers crossed (despite my age) that it won’t take too long to fall pregnant. Just knowing I can now bring a baby into the world who would never have any idea of how her mum use to live brings me joy and empowers me to keep at it and to keep being strong.

Chin up everyone, we will get through this together!

[Meghna83]

A lovely message to read at this time izzi 

congratualtions on your GF time and so excited for you about your baby plans. I am due to have my baby in May this year. I am so excited but also very anxious about going into hospital at this time.

Hopefully  your next post will reveal more happy news ??

[vera]

Delighted for you, Izzi. This pandemic and all the panic surrounding it will pass and Life will go on. It always does. Not gambling gives us a clearer outlook on everything. My niece is expecting her first baby. She is 44. My son’s wife delivered a beautiful baby boy on Thursday.

Megna, have no fear about going into hospital. They were wonderful and had everything under control.

GOD IS IN CHARGE. Have courage!

[Meghna83]

Thank you Vera xxx

[izzi25]

Hi Ladies,

Thanks so much for your encouraging words and support.

Wow congratulations to both of you ??

I was thinking the other day, gosh I wished I had stopped sooner and had more money to my name, especially since all the current chaos in the world. I could have lost my job and where would that have left me! I quickly reminded myself it is great that I am beginning to think like this as it is a good sign of progress.

It is my birthday next week and find it a little amusing on how I am going to celebrate it. I took the day off work so I could sit around and do nothing other then maybe bake and watch netflix. Since the chaos I have been working from home and I have been working longer hours then ever before, so I haven’t even felt the pinch of isolation yet. Not sure what my partner has planned either, hopefully something.

Yesterday I took my cat to the vet for a check up and it was so nice to be able to pay for it and not stress about how much it was going to be, it is the small things.

Also can I just say how tragic this current event is, everyone is sort of forced to take some rest, especially gamblers they can’t go to the casinos anymore etc, I think that is a good thing, a bit of detox time.

No news on the baby front, no bun in the oven but hopefully within the next couple of months.

[izzi25]

Dear Diary, If the emotions I am feeling right now would manifest from these very words then the whole world would combust! In fact I don’t even know how I am breathing and WHY FOR THE SAKE OF HUMANITY WHY I GAMBLE! Out of all the bottoms, out of all the losses, out of everyone that has been affected by my addiction, this time well this time the record has been smashed! And if I don’t keep typing and get these words out then I am afraid I will dive into an even darker place. Actually I think I am too heartless and too selfish to share on a public forum what I did because how do you tell someone that you invested all there money they gave you to hold onto onto the stock market and you LOST THOUSANDS and then to try and make up for it you bet on some sports and horses and then one thousand led to nineteen thousand. And look where you are now, you are a 38 year old pathetic woman who is now homeless, single and not to mention she has ruined her partners life (ex now). A part of me thought maybe we can get through this, after all he gave me the money knowing I was a recovery addict and I asked him on more then one occasion to take the money back and he said NO. But I can’t put this on him, I can’t put the way he aggressively reacted and how he was so close to touching my face with his fist, or the terrible things he said and especially when he said that I must do this as a living, find guys online, take there money and ruin their lives as none of this between us was ever real. And I can’t blame him when within 5 minutes of telling him what happened (he accused me of lying and wouldn’t let him show him how I lost most to shares) had already messaged my sister and my brother and God knows who else. That in between him throwing my things out and yelling at me for the whole neighborhood to hear that I am a gambler and a thief and everything else he said. That when he threatened to hunt me down until I paid him back that it is all justified because I did something so terrible, I broke his heart, trust and broke his bank. That I have no right to feel sad over my actions, after all I sabotage everything right! I am just a failure and now my siblings need time to process everything because I have broken their hearts. And even though I really thought that I found the love of my life and that we were going to get married and have children that shedding a tear over it is fake because how can I be sad over something caused by my own actions. There is no BEST TO COME now Izzi, there is no “happy days!”. This is the ultimate betrayal and now you have made enemies and they might even come for you. Yeah they probably will because you deserve it.

[steph40]

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. This addiction is horrible and ruins people’s lives. I had read your thread a few weeks ago and my heart is hurting for you. I have done many selfish things to my partner and kids over the years and have asked myself many of the same things you are in this post – I thought I was a monster.

your partner has the right to be very upset with you and to demand his money back. However, you do not deserve to be called names, to be publicly humiliated, or to be threatened with physical violence. These are all forms of abuse. I dont Know you and only know the information in your post but I do know that violence in a relationship escalates over time, it often goes from control issues, to emotional abuse/name calling, to physical violence. Please stay safe. you make a very valid point as to why he made you hold on to a large sum of money when you are less than a year with no gambling and I would question what his motives are.

you are a good person and you deserve all the happiness in this world. You stayed gamble free for a significant amount of time and you can do it again!!

[izzi25]

Hey Steph,

Thanks so much for posting it means so much! Yes you are right, even though he was really angry and was in complete shock. I am going past tomorrow to get the rest of my things, is it fine if I say the above stuff to him, not sure how to the word the whole you gave a problem gambler thousands of dollars and expected it to be ok. I have been getting lectures all day from my parents and I know I have to suck it up, every time I go into my room I see everything I have in plastic bags and it makes me sad. My partner got on really well with my older sister (who will lecture me the most tbc) and he loves my nieces, generally the routine is on a Friday he comes past to see them and pick up one of the kids for a sleepover with us. I heard his going over to speak with her, not sure what conversation will be like apart from them both agreeing how stupid, deceitful and useless I am. Great another stamp to add onto my book! I am not even meant to know and don’t know whether to say anything when I see him tomorrow if he even talks, he might bring it up. Oh everything just hurts now and I have alot of answers to give my family about how I lost the money but I can’t bring myself to say it. Everyone acts like my partner is too good for me and that I should try and get back to him but after yesterday I don’t know. Right now I am confused and lost and feel very alone.

[Meghna83]

Hi Izzy?

well done for coming back to your journal and writing out your experienc. Ive been going on the zoom meetings since mid July this year and have come to understand my addiction so much more than before.

i could not recommend it more. I’ve been no gambling to share either?

[Meghna83]

Hi Izzy,

i have come to realise that I can only share my own experience as I have not lived in anyone’s shoes and I say that with love and care.

when I lost ￡30,000 last year of our Savings I cried and swore I would not gamble but ended up gambling again and again. I did not understand my addiction and left a lot of doors open to allow me to gamble. Banks cards, access to money, gambling accounts etc.

i realised quickly with every binge bet where I’d lose between ￡5,000 to ￡10,000 under an hour that had to get real and block all those things by giving them up. My money is now in a no card access bank account. I cannot deposit online. I have no cards to gamble with and I have redirected on GamStop and blocked all sites .

if the urge for gambling or trigger happens. I cannot gamble because I do not have the means to.

i cannot blame anyone for my gambling and I was fully responsible for my destructive ways. The addict me seeks justification and sympathy but that’s the addict part of me, not the healthy part of me speaking.

i would strongly recommend the zoom meetings Izzy. I am 36 years old, a mother of 2 l, a wife and I can say that life is beautiful right now and just for today. Please consider them too as I am certain you will find understanding of your addiction and then ways to combat the urges and eventually be free of it.

lots of love and we are here for you?

[charles]

Hi Izzy, No words you can say will make any difference. The thing that will stop you gambling, the thing that will show your family that you mean it, the thing that might regain trust etc with your family are your actions. Not just barriers, if the only thing stopping us gambling are barriers then sooner or later they will slip or we find away around them, I’m talking about actions like getting to GA, others have already suggested the zoom meetings, posting here – regularly not just when wanting to stop, continuing to use support to maintain recovery. Keep posting and tell us about those actions.

[steph40]

This is a great movie about addiction and co-dependency.?

[izzi25]

Thanks for all your comments, I couldn’t find it on netflix to watch unfortunately.
n
nCharles, action is very important and that is what is going to show I am changing/changed, my point still stands that his actions were not justified, I didn’t post alot of what was said.
n
nThe money was lost mainly to the stock market, I didn’t know what I was doing and all my choices went against how the market was going to react and then I tried to win some of it back by betting on horses, not something I do normally and I have already banned and blocked my access from the site I was using. I haven’t had much time to process much as it only happened the other day and my mind is still really foggy.
n
nOnline zoom meetings would be awesome, I didn’t know it was even a thing on this site, can you point me in the right direction please ??
n
nI also have a counsellor I speak to off and on and might go back for more sessions, for now though I will explore the zoom session and check them out.

[kathryn]

I?m so sorry you have found yourself in this situation.
nI read your last few posts earlier and wasn?t quite sure what to say. Firstly there?s no excuse for abuse, pure and simple.
nPeople without the compulsion to gamble find it so difficult to understand how our mind works, it?s like men ( not really understanding how it feels to give birth) if we could just stop at the drop of a hat there would be no need for this site. It?s an addiction, the same as drugs or alcohol.
nI totally understand your partners frustration, its a breech of trust. I don?t, however condone aggression. I dare say he?s feeling hurt, angry and betrayed, and I get that, I put my husband through the absolute wringer. Over and over.
nIzzi, you need to put up every single barrier you can, all at once. What you have done previously is not working. This addiction is waiting to pounce at any vulnerable moment.
nSometimes the why doesn?t matter, I still don?t know why I did it, and I?ve long given up hope of finding out. I looked for any and every reason to gamble, it didn?t matter as long as I was sitting in front of that screen.
nWhat you can do today however, is do all you can to make yourself safe. You actually need to put yourself first here, and do whatever you need to. We can only control ourselves, what others think, feel and say is out of our hands.
nI hope you get some clarity in the next few days and make choices that work for YOU! You deserve a happy life, this addiction is doing it?s best to stop that happening. None of us asked for it, I would never have made that first bet if I had known.
nTake care of yourself,
nLove K xxxx

[Meghna83]

Hi izzy

i joined three meetings today and got my dose of therapy to work on myself and my recovery.?

we all deserve a beautiful ?life and one without the destruction of gambling?

here ?the link to the world wide meetings?

https://gamblersinrecovery.com/?s=

meetings happen all throughout the day as you will have access to worldwide meetings that take place at various times (even upto and ? after midnight UK time)?

anonimity Is encouraged so you don’t have to give your real name. if you download the zoom app and then click on a meeting link from that website it will direct you to the login page where you enter you zoom name and the meeting password and you’re in!

In joining the zoom meetings I need W.H.O =

Willingness

Honesty?(regarding my experience with gambling and my life where it is at)

Openmindedness?

take care

Meg

[izzi25]

Hello ??
n
nYesterday I jumped into a GA meeting, I entered the session a little late and it took me a bit of time that they were talking about the 12 steps, as I was not aware of the steps I did find it a little hard to track, but it was a good start. It also led me to look at the steps and my understanding is you can do the first 4 on your own but from step 4 onwards you need a sponsor, is that true? Also I have NO IDEA how to go about getting a sponsor, especially with everything being online at the moment.
n
nLast night I didn’t sleep, everything reminds me of my partner and I just feel so heart broken and terrible for what I did to him. It makes me feel inhumane and sick and I wish I had defeated this thing a very long time ago. Let this be the rock bottom of all rock bottoms the final never again.
n
nHad a chat with dad today and it went alright, he believes me when I told him I have deleted all access from betting apps and anything that have me a way to gamble online and that makes me feel good that one person believes me even though I deserve no one’s trust. Before deleting my account against a betting account today I considered placing a bet, I came so close and I told myself it only starts with one bet and it isn’t worth it, I was so proud of myself for not going through and deleting my access.
n
nToday is day 4 and I look forward to day 4000 ??

[charles]

Hi Izzy, well done on connecting to that GA meeting. Try and few and find one/some that suit. Some might concentrate on the Steps, others might be more people talking about their past and their recovery now.
n
nI have never had a sponsor and I have done more than the first 4 steps ?? Some groups do sponsors, some don’t. When you find a meeting you like and stick to it you could ask someoone there if they would sponsor you, you will get to know people and sponsorship pretty much a mutual decison thing.
n
nWhen it comes to the steps just start at Step One. ?? A heads up for you – Step one has TWO parts to it, both are important. Speaking personally I knew i was “powerless over gambling” for years before going to GA. I was just quite happy to continue being powerless as long as I could keep doing it!! Madness I know but that is why both parts are important. Keep posting.

[izzi25]

Thanks Charles, will check what is on tonight and if any suit. Yes, that is my plan once I find one that I feel is for me.
n
nI am excited and scared about the steps!
n

[Meghna83]

Hi Izzy,
n
nSo glad that you managed to join a GA meeting. It is also incredible that you refrained from placing a bet.
n
nTake care and you?re doing really well. Keep attending the zoom meetings. You will learn so much about this addiction and it will aid you in your recovery.

[izzi25]

Dear Diary, Today I can ***** the number of CG free days using both hands and I should smile because it is a small accomplishment, that although a baby step, it is a step in the right direction. Things should start to feel lighter and my head clearer as I attend GA meetings, ban myself from online betting and start to settle into my parents house. Yet everything feels the opposite, my small steps are not accomplishments, only reminders of what my new life looks like without him. Today when I was cutting up pumpkin to help with the prep for dinner, it reminded me of how “he” use to cut it up for me as I always struggled and even though I still struggled today there was no “he” so I sucked it up and I did it myself. I should be proud, but it is just a reminder that “he”, “us” are over, that the shattered pieces left behind by CG can never truly be mended, that apart of me will always be held up in that moment I once lived where “he” and “I” were together, we were trying to have kids and we were talking about marriage. And I know his angry and I hate that his love for me wasn’t strong enough to fight with me, or fight for us even though I betrayed him. I just hate how he immediately discarded me like an empty take away coffee cup and threw me in the bin like the trash he probably thinks I was. He use to say he would love me forever and no matter what, well this is the what and as much as I focus my anger at him, I know that deep down the person I am really angry at, the one person I am struggling to even contemplate forgiving is myself. They say it is best to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all, but I say it is best to have never gambled and lost, then to have ever placed a bet in your life. If I could go back in time and re-live our life together knowing it would still end the same way, I would choose to have never met him.

[steph40]

When I think of the time I have lost with my kids- when I could have been spending time with them instead of gambling, I am overcome with grief. And I beat myself up over it. I can’t change the past, all I can change is the present. I own my responsibility in making the choices I made and then do better in spending time with my family that day. That is all we can do.

I am sorry for what you are going through. I am glad to hear that your dad is supporting you and that you have family to help you through this. I hope that you continue with your supports to stay gamble free.

Addiction, whether it be to gambling, alcohol, or drugs, wreaks havoc on people’s lives. It is the cause of so much pain for so many people. Over the weekend, someone very close to me lost their nephew to murder. He was into crystal meth. He was so brilliant and had done so many amazing things before addiction took over.

[izzi25]

My sister came over yesterday and we spoke about my most recent gambling stint where I lost my partners money, she said it was really important that I get counselling as there are some root issues that need addressing as well as joining a 12 step program which she wants to be part of, as she wants to be my support person. I am not sure how I feel about her being my support person, as it is really hard being vulnerable with her and she mentioned that my partner (ex) mentioned he wanted to be part of it as well (which gives me some hope that he still wants to be in my life). I told her that both are great ideas and one step at a time. I need to find a counsellor/psychologist and a 12 step program. I think right now doing a 12 step program out ranks and then with some time on side I can find a counsellor that works for me.
n
nIt was hard to share things with her but I figured that right now I have nothing to lose, since I lost everything anyway.
n
nMy partner (ex) has decided to talk things out next week as he didn’t actually hear exactly what happened as he was too busy yelling and kicking me out and we will have a mediator so it will be a safe place. It really is hard for me to open up and vulnerability sometimes stops me from being honest but I know in order to be genuine to others and genuine to my journey, that I have no choice.
n
nRight now I am aware that the main focus is on my recovery but I can’t help but to have a little hope that my partner might want to get back with me in time and as I build trust up and as my actions speak loud. Most of our communication has been done through my sister which has allowed both of us to have a break and get some clear head space from the time spent apart.
n
nMy emotions are still a little all over the place and I am still numb with regret for everything I did and I feel like life will never be the same again, maybe this new normal will be better for us all, I have to believe that things will get better.

[izzi25]

Day 11 – the old me would have been so excited and proud of myself that I have remained clean and that I have money in my bank account, but I feel broken and lost. The toll my gambling has put on others, outweighs anything I could ever imagine getting myself caught up in. I am working towards finding a 12 step program I can work through, not sure if one is offered here? Need to make sure every day is a step forward towards recovery.

[izzi25]

Day 12 – the old me would have been so excited and proud of myself that I have remained clean and that I have money in my bank account, but I feel broken and lost. The toll my gambling has put on others, outweighs anything I could ever imagine getting myself caught up in.
n
nI am working towards finding a 12 step program I can work through, not sure if one is offered here? Need to make sure every day is a step forward towards recovery.
n
n

[izzi25]

It has been a few days since I have posted, things have been really busy lately and I haven’t had a moment to myself to jump on and share.
n
nI contacted two different counsellors and neither have responded, it has been over a week now so I will be on the hunt for someone else.
n
nI think today is day 20, looking forward to hitting the one month mark.

[charles]

Hi Izzi,
n
nWell done on your gamble free time. You have mentioned the Steps. If you keep an eye on those Zoom meetings as they rotate I see that some of them are specifically Step meetings, you might find those useful. You could ask about them in any meeting as well really, GA members could give you some pointers.
n
nJust do one at a time, in order. They aren’t a race so take your time. I’ve just posted a link in the Recovery Tools Forum to various UK GA literature – some of that is step related so you might find it helpful, or you may not, we all do the steps in our own time. Don’t worry about any outdated language in them – GA is self funded by gambling addicts so the cost updates tends to slow down any changes.
n
nI facilitate some of the groups here as well – Mondays and Thursdays so if you had any questions then you would always be welcome to come and ask them, I’ve done and continue to do the steps myself.
n
nA hint for Step One – it has two parts to it, both are important.

[izzi25]

Thanks so much for sharing that information with me that is great!
n
nWhich ones do you facilitate? I think there is a major time difference as I am in Australia.
n
nToday is day 27 or something close to that and I still find myself processing what I did and coming to terms with that.
nI have an initial session next week with a psychologist to see whether we connect or not and I see that has a positive step in the right direction.
n
nMy ex and I ended up talking and I tried to explain to him the reasoning behind what I did and how I felt and how I feel about what I did to him, it was a very hard conversation and it took me a while before I could really get to the core of it and pour my heart out. He was really standoffish and I felt slightly intimidated and judged, which made communicating that much harder for me, as expressing myself isn’t something I can do freely, it is a big struggle as I just go numb. We talked things through and he really wants me to get help and be in my life as long as I continue to be transparent and get the help I need. He mentioned having my pay go into his bank account, which is not an issue for me, what I find difficult is the navigating of all that as I have expenses that are direct debited out of my account. And how long does this last, is it till he can trust me again? I mean this could be another 2 years or so before he does and he doesn’t want to open a join account, he wants it going into his account. It would make my life easier, if it was joint. We are going to talk about this on the weekend but I wanted to know what some healthy boundaries might be.
n

[charles]

Hi Izzi, I facilitate the ones on a Monday and Thursday evening (UK time) so that would be Tuesday/Friday morning where you are. You will see a block of 3 consequtive groups when you look at the schedule. Having your wages go into an account you can’t instantly access would be a good idea. How long for? That is an individual thing. I know people who have been gamble free for a long time and still don’t have access to their money. it works for them and they are comfortable with t. Others might gradually get an element of control back. I have full access to my funds now but accountability means that my wife would know in very swift order if I ever gambled. I have a friend whose wife says she would now trust him with her life, just not with her money! Forget how long it’ll be for though, like most other things in recovery one day at a time is important, baby steps are important. Right now you need to not have easy access to your money, that’s all you need worry about. Remember though, whilst we always talk about “giving someone control of our money” the reality should be the opposite. By not having instant, easy access to funds we might gamble with we do in fact have MORE control over our money ourselves. Certainly more control that we ever did when in action. This is where a converstaion is important. It doesn’t need to be a joint account, it would be easy to set things up so funds are there when direct debits are due. What it does need though is an understanding that it is still YOUR money, to spend as you wish; the limited access and accountability is just there so you can’t gamble it. Now I don’t know what plans you may have about repaying anything of his that you have gambled but it is also important when making any financial plans that they are sustainable over a period. Whether it is debt repayments, bills, living expenses or whatever any plans need to be manageable and sustainable. By that I mean still allowing you to live life without living like a hermit – trying to repay things too quickly is a common mistake which can lead to resentment or a f**k it, what’s the point moment. That alone can send someone back to gambling. I hope this helps. Before your conversation at the weekend I would recommend writing down what you want to say – that way you won’t remember something afterwards that you had intended to talk about. It also helps get through everything calmly when emotions might be involved.

[izzi25]

Thanks so much Charles that is great! I also think it is healthy to limit my access to money, my partner is just transferring what I need and when I need it. We are still ironing things out, as it is important for him to see I am working hard and serious about paying my dues and at the same time I don’t want to not be able to go out and have fun and continue to be a victim because of my decisions, cause it is still like gambling wins.
nBaby steps as you said, each day as it comes and I am still clean.
n
nToday was the first day I thought about gambling, it surprised me how it just hit me, I had today off from work and thought about where I could go to gamble. Strange because I don’t even want to gamble, or try and win some money, just habit of having some free time. I haven’t told my partner yet but I will tonight, I didn’t give in, they have just been fleeting thoughts.
n
nOn Monday I had a session with a psychologist who is helping me discover the causes of why I gamble, or more what thinking led to me wanting to escape or gain control of my life through gambling etc, I am hopeful that this will be really healthy for me and really help me tackle the urges.
n
nIn two months time it will be another new year and I want that to be MY YEAR! So much can change in your life just from being gamble free for months and I am looking forward to seeing what opportunities that brings my way.

[maverick.]

Great to see you doing well Izzy, it’s amazing how gambling thoughts come from nowhere and yes always when you have time on your hands or a day off very much the same with me, keep fighting on and enjoying life gamble free, all the very best.
n

[Enough808]

Hi Izzi, I hope your partner gives you another chance and things can work out. Wish you the best of luck in your recovery. Look forward to your future since you can’t do anything about the past and the mistakes you’ve made. All we can do is learn from them.

[izzi25]

Happy New Year Everyone ??

I hope everyone has been well and have been riding the gamble free wave successfully.

The past two months have been an eye opener for me, my sessions with my psychologist have been extremely rewarding and have helped me overcome fears, let go of things and just being truly honest with myself. My sessions and one desperate desire to stop gambling has really helped starve the monster and my urges are not often and very far between. I know I am not out of the woods yet and I am continue to work on myself, my partner and I are doing good and I am enjoying having him control the finances as I feel like that gives me breathing space, spent my whole life worrying about money and now I don’t need to right now. I naturally trust myself more and finding it easier to speak my partner about my urges and some of the things I discuss with my psychologist.

Last Christmas was the FIRST Christmas in over 10 years that I didn’t gamble, my desire to want to gamble over Christmas has always been strong but this year it wasn’t even a thought, or a need. I haven’t gambled since October 2nd 2020 and I feel incredible.
In about two weeks I have surgery and it is good to know that I have money to pay for it and I can spend two weeks relaxing, binge watching shows, reading etc and not even worry about wanting to go out and gamble with all that free time.

Sorry for the short update, I just wanted to let everyone know that I am doing really well and that it actually is possible to live a gamble free life. Deep down I never believed that was possible for me that this monster would always be part of my life as it was my present and my future but WHAT A LIE I BELIEVED! STAY STRONG EVERYONE.

[izzi25]

Thanks Kin, it is just a joy to stay gamble free!

I have some free time coming up due to taking some off work to have surgery and my brain is already leading me down the path of the casino, if you only spend $100 and you turn that into $2000, your partner won’t even be mad, you could use that money, huh! What a load of crap! Gambling is not an honest way to make money, or to try and get ahead because it always bites back and I have spent tooo many hours licking my wounds.

Not sure what today’s count is, I do know when I posted last it was 107 days and I am glad to be adding days on top of that.

The best thing about being on the recovery road is finding yourself again and allowing yourself to believe in a bright and wonderful future.

Keep strong!

[kathryn]

Hiya Izzi!
You should be so proud of yourself, your hard work is paying off, don’t let that time off let the addiction creep back in!
I remember the feeling of ‘finding myself’. I had been drowning for so long that I didn’t know who I was anymore.
Slowly slowly I started to blossom, tiny little steps, each day, I began to live my life gamble free. It never hit me like a brick, just one day…… there I was!
In saying that, other things happened over the last 10 years that have recently had me finding myself again. This time it was easier without the addiction looming, but harder in that I finally had to decide what I wanted for the rest of my life! Scary stuff!
I’m still not there yet, but I can tell you that every decision I make now is a gamble free one, and what a great feeling that is.
Your post reminded me of that today. I am proud of how far I’ve come.
Keep doing what you’re doing, it’s working and eventually those thoughts won’t enter your head anymore, if they do, it’s fleeting.
Great job Izzi, keep posting!
Love K xx

[izzi25]

Time flies as the world passes you by!

How are we all?

Wow, it has been at least 7 months since I last posted. There were a few times I intended to post, just never got around to it.

Quick update: In April I relapsed, prior to that I hadn’t gambled since October 2020, it was a good stretch until things went a bit backwards. The difference this time was I had all the tools from my therapy sessions to assess and review why I was going down this path again. Sure, there was a bit of excitement with the thrill of the whole thing but I know that I wasn’t there for the thrill. The truth is I let myself get pushed to go down that path again, my partner and I had been fighting on the regular and I was 90% certain we were going to break up. Absolute fear encompassed me and I went straight into protection mode, my partner controls all our money apart from what bit of spending he gives me. And I believed at the time that if we did have a bad break up he would not give me a cent and I would be left no where to go and nothing to show for my life. I wasn’t even gambling and I felt more dejected then when I would and lose EVERYTHING! So I went back, to try and win some money. This went on for about 2-3 weeks and then one day I just woke up while I was out gambling and thought Izzi, this is stupid and you know it! That also happened to be the same night my partner confronted me and I told him what happened. I also explained what drove me and the fear I had felt and at first he understood but lately his been telling me he thinks that isn’t true and that is just an excuse I tell him. In fact when I told him that the relapse was only recent he didn’t believe me and thought that I had been gambling the whole time and was just lying my way through therapy even though I literally had no access to money even if I was lying! We do very stupid and selfish things when we gamble and it turns us into people we never think we will be and because of that part he saw, there is a part of him that looks at me like that is my whole person, regardless of what my actions say about me now.

Since April I have not gambled, only once or twice I had an urge and I did not give in to it. Yet we have argued about money a thousand times since then, my partner currently gives me an allowance of a couple of hundred a fortnight and apart from that, all my money goes direct into his account once I get paid and has done so since November. Let me tell you that is a long time to have no control over your own money AND to not even consider treating yourself because you have to ask permission, which I was ok with at the start but now I find a bit demeaning and controlling.

I know my partner has deep rooted fear that at any moment I am going to gamble everything and put us in a terrible situation. The whole reason why we have money issues (for those who don’t know my back story) is because my partner gave me access to $30,000 even though he knew I was a recovering addict and I was never strong enough to admit how weak I was out of fear of coming across as weak. Long story short, I gambled around $20,000 over a period of a few months, we broke up over this and I started paying him back. When we got back together, one of the agreements was my pay would go to this and I would do therapy. I did want to have a financial agreement with him so I could pay him back but he said I could never pay him back because we were together and it would be like robbing Paul to pay Peter. He often brings up the hurt and destruction this has caused him and sometimes I say nothing, sometimes we argue because every time he brings it up I feel like his pushing me back into my past and telling me that I will always be that person. I know what I did and I need no reminder and because I do not bring it up, he feels like I got away with it (I think?). He won’t speak to someone, I have told him to speak to someone to help him walk through these fears and feelings because its hurting us and it is soul crushing (for both of us), he says he will but he has not (so maybe it won’t happen).

It has only been 4 months since I relapsed but I have been longing to have access back to my money, to come up with a plan where I give him rent etc and the rest is mine. Now this isn’t an urge or desire because I want to gamble, it is because I want to reintroduce some normalcy back into my life and just get back a bit of control. Money is the key to everything, without it we can’t eat, pay our bills etc. Next year I will be 40 and I don’t want to be ruled by this addiction anymore. I trust myself, this isn’t something I have actually said out loud but my therapy sessions really helped me look into the real root reasons why I gambled and what I was hiding from and I know I have made tremendous progress. Izzi this year, is not the same Izzi since she started gambling, she is free and hopeful for the future.

I really need some advice on how to get him to start trusting me again because giving him access to my money did not seem to win any trust as he saw it a condition of us getting back together. Now I have no idea how to make him understand why this is important because his response will say, if you want something just ask and I will buy it. If we had a joint account that would be different but my money goes into his account and I do trust him but there is an element of it that makes me feel controlled. From his point of view I get why he does it but I need some more control back into my life.

Even as I write this I feel like I sound selfish and crazy for even wanting to have this conversation with him. He said he would be willing to have a joint account if that meant only my pay would go into it and that way he could see everything I did with the money, so that isn’t a joint account, it is a watch Izzi account. Even now when the two weeks is over and I ask for a top up, he starts freaking out that I gambled (have disabled any access I had to gambling sites) and he knows I am spending the money because I come home with coffee, or groceries, or both. It triggers me every time he gets like this and it isn’t healthy for either of us. I work full time and feel like I have nothing to show for it because legally it all goes to him.

Any advice would be great, thanks for reading my post.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Meghna83]

Hi izzi,

Well done on the almost 4 months clean time.

It is fear that has led you back out and it is fear from both yourself and your partner which is leaving you both to arguing and causing distress within the relationship.

Ultimately you did gamble not too long ago and the consequences of that is that your partner has been left feeling doubtful again. However, it is not helpful nor conducive to moving forward to keep bringing up the past in this manner. Trust does not return easily also which needs to be understood.

My sponsor reminds me that self pity is not going to help me and will lead me back out.

As far as finances are concerned. I never gave up my finances and neither did my husband want me to. He is not so controlling as me. I did however stay accountable by showing him our balance now and again and accounted for every penny. Action and full transparency is needed to built up the trust. I placed all the money into a no access account and we are in the process of now completing the purchase of our family home.

Izzi I would recommend you attend some zoom meetings to hear what other CGs have faced and how many have stayed clean for years and decades.

Here is the link –

Home

I would be happy to share my story. My name is Sofie on the meetings. I hope to see you there soon.

All the best

[Author]

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