[Steev]

I think I need just one thread on this forum – so this will be it. It sums up where I am at on my internal journey and my journey around the world.

For those of you following my travels I am now in France in a small town just 30 minutes from Paris. I hope to go there tomorrow and see some of the sights.

I had a difficult time in Germany – which is partly why I have not posted for a while. Being with other people high-lighted just how low my energy is.
I found trying to keep up to other people’s timetables exhausting and to be honest it is good to be on my own again.
I’ve had no gambling thoughts – although I have watched others gambling (in bars) and it just made me feel sad – both for the person concerned and for myself that that was my life for so long.

I have been thinking about my post on chasing losses which I will put in the recovery tools part of the forum, not an easy thing to write constructively about.

So there you have it. I intend to stay in France a while – probably until at least the end of the year, though I will be making a short hop back to the UK in September.

Thanks to everyone who has commented on my comments in a positive way – it’s appreciated.

[Gbabyh]

Looking forward to your post about chasing losses in the Recovery Tools section, and of course, to future updates in this journal.

I wish you a happy and safe travel onwards ??

– Chris

[kolberg]

Hey Steev,

I’m looking forward to reading whatever you bring us, either your thoughts and moods or stories from the past and of your recovery. You’re an inspiration to me and I think to most of us.

Regards

[Steev]

I have been into the city of Paris a couple of times now and have loved seeing the sites that I had only seen on TV and in films. Indeed when I am travelling around I feel as if I am on a film set of some sort.
I have written my piece on chasing losses and came up with 10 reasons not to do so – I am sure there are more. I think next I will look at the role that anxiety and depression has in gambling addiction.
I move on from Paris to Rouen in a couple of days – but I think I might come back!

[Steev]

I’ve been in Rouen for a week now – and to be honest I’ve not had a happy time of it. I’ve got various tummy troubles which perhaps come from my gambling time (there does seem to be a link between compulsive gambling and stomach problems) and my internet connection where I am staying is not great.

I’m breaking my journey later this week for a few days in the UK. Not sure what I am going back to though! It seems the country is in turmoil.

I know I said I would write something about the links between anxiety and depression and gambling – but the thing that has been on my mind for some time is shame.

I wrote recently in response to someone’s post – that shame was what kept me in debt for so long. What I meant by that was that I didn’t seek help for my financial problems because of the shame of having to admit what had caused them in the first place. And this was AFTER I had stopped gambling.

But shame is a big factor in other ways. I know I relapsed for longer because of the shame of admitting I was gambling again and then not getting back to meetings or seeing a counsellor. Shame stopped me from talking about my gambling past to people close to me. Yet I also feel that the public needs more information on how destructive compulsive gambling is – but how can they get it if I keep my mouth shut because of feeling ashamed.

So I am clear that I won’t let shame get in the way of my recovery in any way – and if I feel any shame I will look closely at what that is about and how I can work through it.
I am ashamed of some of the things I did when I was gambling – and I also know that it was my behaviour which was at fault and it doesn’t mean I wasn’t doing the best I could at the time.

So back to speaking English again (which will be a relief) and eating familiar food. I hope everyone has a great gamble free week.

[amg077]

I hope your life gets better . I have to admitt that I also was ashamed of my gambling.

I agree that compulsive gambling is related to stomach problems. The feeling of losing all your money in some minutes caused me to go to the bathroom to fart, or to poo in the bathroom.

Hopefully those times are in my past

[Steev]

More graphic than I would have been … but true. 

[Berta24449787]

I agree with Steev again in that I had more gastrointestinal issues while I was gambling then before, but I had them before the gambling too. I am a volatile person who reacts to stress in very adverse physical ways. At one point in my life, the stress was so severe that I developed a dairy sensitivity so severe that it became anaphylactic and I had to carry an EpiPen for a year. It just seem to dissipate when I moved from the location where I was transferred but I seem to have a predisposition to the issues now and gambling aggravated them profusely. I am enjoying the lack of affect now and hope that this too shall pass with everything else. Take care Steev

[vera]

Steev, I think gambling exacerbates every underlying condition.
The stress of gambling is a killer . We neglect our health when we gamble. Indeed, I used gambling to avoid dealing with health issues. Feeling numb is easier than facing reality but as we get older , these issues rear their ugly heads.
Enjoy your break back in UK.
Health is wealth!

[Gbabyh]

I’m sorry to hear that you haven’t had as good a time in Rouen as you had hoped…

I too have been very aware of the shame factor in my recovery. When I was reflecting on myself and taking inventory of my life, I had so many things that I was ashamed of and that I had kept a secret from everyone else. However, I’ve been slowly coming clean to the people involved and to whoever might care. That was very discomforting, but a huge step for me in my recovery. 

I hope you enjoy a few days in the UK and I look forward to your next update.

– Chris

[Steev]

Well I had my GP consultation and they took some blood and …
It seems that they are not happy with the results and want me to have more tests. Also I am to be given booster injections of vitamin B12 for 2 weeks as I am particularly low. All of which means that I have had to put the travelling on hold for a couple of weeks and I have cancelled my planned return to Rouen and Normandy.

I have lost some money because of this – but it is so little in comparison with what I lost gambling that I think – how could I ever have thought that losing money like that was what my life was?

My other thought was that I wish I had started travelling much earlier. Don’t put life off – it is there for the living. Get out of the casino – log out of the gambling site for good – work out how you want your life to be and go for it.

[i-did-it]

Hi Steev,
I’m sorry to read that you are having health issues but I also find myself thinking it is so good that you are not gambling and letting things slide.
I was really interested in your post about shame – shame has prevented me seeking the help I needed for my addiction. I pretended to myself that by coming on here often I was doing enough. I could tell myself I was trying. I told myself this for a decade.

It is easy to have regrets but you are travelling now . You have the whole world to see and you can do so in your own time. It will still be there when you are well enough to go!
Thanks for sharing Steev.

[Monica1]

For your post. I looked up the Arvon centre. Definitely worth checking out and I signed up for their emails and updates.
I am pretty sure the injections will help you a lot as they do my mum and she is 85. Strange how all my gut problems started as a result of self neglect when gambling and not eating, smoking too much etc when on a binge. There is such a huge link.
Wishing you well soon and thank you again for your always helpful posts.

[Steev]

Mainly but not all – and I am still having (slight) problems. They are looking into trying to fit me in next week for more investigations – at the moment I am here until Oct 2. then I am due in Brittany. My feeling is, if they can’t do anything next week, then I shall go to France and come back in 6 or 7 weeks time for the investigations they want to do. I do feel as if my life is on hold at the moment.
Thinking about some people on here that have been very quiet for a while; RG, CMC, Vera amongst others. If you are reading this – look after yourself and let us know what is going on for you.

[vera]

Hello Steev. I have been thinking about you although I haven’t been on GT for a while. ‚Had a bit of a scare myself last weekend. Don’t want to go into too many details. Awaiting blood test results. I am in no doubt that the stress caused by gambling exacerbated an underlying condition. The good news is, I have lost all desire to gamble. I sincerely hope you get the „all clear“ and get back to your travels before long. Health is wealth.

[Steev]

It is really good to hear from you and that you are not having gambling thoughts atm.  I hope the blood tests don’t show anything nasty and you can get on with your life.

It does feel that gambling catches up with you as there seem to be a few of us on here having „tummy“ issues.  I guess the stress and the (in my case at least) poor diet were at least partly to blame.

The problems I am having are not very painful, but I am very tired all the time and it has been going on now for a while (over a month) which is much longer than my usual „attacks.“   Back at the doctor’s on Monday and hopefully have some news. 

Be good to see you in chat some time!

[Steev]

I am back in France – in the Brittany town of Brest and really enjoying the vibe here. However things are not over health-wise and I have been advised to return to the UK in November for more tests. As Charles pointed out in group last night – I would not have been in a position to afford such frequent trips if I was still gambling (or indeed if I was still in debt – partly caused by gambling.) Life happens, so I am so grateful that I didn’t continue gambling even on an „affordable“ basis – as I need money for more important things now.

[vera]

If you had continued gambling, Steev, you wouldn’t be in Brittany now. Most likely you would not have had health checks and if you had discovered any health issues, you would be packing all the related emotions into slot machines.
CGs cannot gamble on any basis.
Gambling with one’s health is never affordable.
Take care.

[Steev]

Thanks for your message of concern about my health.  I had a crap day yesterday (literally) and today I am not so bad – so it is very up and down.  Tiring.

Sorry to read your posts on other threads that things are difficult for you at the moment.  I am sending out good vibes for you – and I hope you can find the wherewithal to find your way to stay stopped.  I know that you are so knowledgable about our problem and what triggers us.  I know that you have looked deeply into what is happening for you.  Be kind to yourself, remember that YOU are great and it is your gambling behaviour which is  ….

I too look forwards to meeting in group, I think we have a lot of catching up to do.

Take good care!

[i-did-it]

Hi Steev,
Sorry I got cut off in group tonight .
I have been reading some other threads and you are such an asset on here – always giving the right advice in just the right way.
Talk soon.

[i-did-it]

In chat

[Steev]

Although I don’t have that much to report. I am still in Brittany but have moved down the coast from Brest to Vannes – which is a lovely town but without lovely weather … it has rained every day since I arrived.
My health is a lot better though – I have managed to get rid of a head cold and feeling ready to get up and see a bit more of the area before I go back to the UK.
I am back on the 7th November and am at the hospital for the tests on the 11th. Then will hang around for a few weeks in case there is anything further needs doing before coming back to France for Christmas and the New Year.
I am currently trying to write a post on gambling and the effect it has on our time – which I will put in the „recovery tools“ part of the forum. Not sure that writing is my strong point though! Hope everyone is doing well and having a good gf time.

[vera]

Safe travelling, Steev.
Stay in touch!

[Gbabyh]

I wish you well and the best of luck with your travels and medical tests ??

– Chris

[Steev]

I am back „up north“ in England – to terrible rain and the city I am in is bracing itself for flooding. There is a lot of rain expected overnight and some of the rivers are likely to burst their banks. I should be okay where I am – but travel may be difficult over the next few days. I just feel so sorry for people who’s homes are flooded – it is an awful thing to happen.

Going to get ready for my hospital appointment on Monday and I will need to fast from Sunday lunchtime. Can’t say I am looking forwards to it!

[i-did-it]

Aw Steev , sounds like its not the best time to be home .take care of yourself .

Remember fasting on Sunday that means u can eat extra next few days and have a huge feed on Saturday .

Hope it all goes well .

[Monica1]

Thinking of you. Hope the rain has eased off.

[vera]

How did it go, Steev!
Said a „Sinner’s Prayer“ for you!

[Steev]

It wasn’t pleasant.  I soon realised that the guy doing this was fairly new and still under supervision.  It was a bit like hearing a driving instructor (right a bit – now over to the left) but I got through it.  They have taken a biopsy so I’m not 100% in the clear but probably 99% there.  Results in up to 10 days.  At least I can relax a bit now.

[Berta24449787]

Steev;
Do you know where rg went? I cant find her thread

[i-did-it]

Where did she go ?

[Steev]

Not sure why you think I would know Berta, Idi – I am as in the dark as anyone.

Her last post was on your thread Idi – „thoughts on recovery“ – 2 or 3 days ago.

Afaik – only the OP can remove a thread – so I guess that is what has happened and I guess we need to respect that decision. Though I also suppose that she may have had her account hacked …

Sad that all her posts and responses have gone – if she did do this then she must have had her reasons.

Perhaps responding to her last post on Idi’s thread might bring a response?

[Steev]

Just signposting that I have posted there – for those interested. Looking at forming a new identity for a „new life“ after gambling.

[Steev]

just to say that my biopsy results have come through and I am all clear – so I feel I can continue travelling and try and find my own way of controlling the symptoms that I still have. Had to re-book all my travel arrangements for France as there is a national strike there on the 5th Dec. which was the day I was travelling. I am now going to leave on the 3rd and arrive back in Vannes on the 4th. Will be in France for Christmas and New Year! I am sure I will post on here before then though!

[Monica1]

Good to hear u got the all clear and that you are able to continue with your travels.

[Steev]

Had an interesting interaction with a friend today. We were discussing countries in Europe and she was insisting that Hungary had a border with Germany. I told her she was wrong – that Austria was in between and she said „I know I shouldn’t do this, but I am going to bet you ￡1.00 that I am right.“

Now – she shouldn’t do this because she knows I have a gambling problem. Indeed all my friends know – it is part of my recovery process that I am open about it to everyone.
So I said I wouldn’t take the bet on … but I was still sure I was right.

So we checked. Hungary does not have a border with Germany.

„So how come you wouldn’t bet when you knew you were right – it was a sure thing, why can’t you bet on a sure thing?“

And I explained that I have a gambling problem and I cope with that by being a non-gambler. I will not bet on anything, because I know if I make an exception for this, my mind will think I can make an exception for other things. It is just so much easier to say I will never gamble again and then act on that.

￡1.00 wasn’t much of a test I know … would I have done the same if the bet had been for ￡100 or ￡1000? I hope I would still have the resolve – I feel I would be letting everyone down including, (and especially) myself if I had to say – I’m Steev and this is my day 1.

I welcome comments …

[sherrie]

Steev, you did the right thing. One small bet even on a sure thing is like an alcoholic having a shandy. It only takes one to get you back into the feeling and everything associated with gambling. It’s just NOT worth the risk. 

I am sorry that they put you in that position. It seems an odd thing to say to a RCG but I guess nobody but us guys appreciates how hard it is. 

Sherrie

xoxoxox

[Steev]

Had a rather difficult journey with the train from England under the tunnel being delayed for over an hour and then the train out to Brittany being stuck in a station for over two. But got back to Vannes eventually and now ready to continue to explore France.

Met up with a couple of friends whilst I was in England who asked me if I had ever thought of going on a cruise. An easy way of getting to several countries and all the on-board entertainment. I instantly thought of casinos and then thought – not for me. Being stuck on a train was enough – being stuck on a ship for days with slots all around … no thank you.

Going to be in a new city soon for Christmas and New Year. The first New Year in a while when I have not been with friends – but I am sure I will survive and I have good friends here to chat to. Looking forwards to more adventures.

[Seanraj4731]

Goodday Steev
This is Sean wow travelling and visit new places for the xmas season i am sure is amazing experience. Enjoy it man. I know very soon i will experiencing such an wonderful adventures as seen in the movies esp those spy movies mostly filmed in europe. Simply Wonderful rich history of anicent cities and the stories of its origins. Soon come!!! Be safe Steev. Thanks for sharing.

[i-did-it]

Hi Steev,
What an exciting life you are leading. I can’t help but notice that recovery for me, for now anyway , seems to be the exact opposite . It is about learning to relax and enjoy my home which I have somehow never been able to do.

Your post was interesting in that I thought in recovery I might take a cruise – it never occurred to me that casinos might be a problem. It just goes to show we can learn from reading others threads, especially long timers like yourself .

[Monica1]

Yes, cruises are a problem for casinos. When I went on a cruise a few months after cancer surgery Pete and I spent every evening in the casino. I had only started slots at home but avoided the slot machines in the casino. Every night we played stud poker and I won the stud poker champion of the boat, Pete cAme 2nd. On my first bet, where I chucked it all in and won. The cert is still on my wall. I don’t think that helped when I got back and started in earnest. It has made me wary of cruises ever since.
Good to hear u r back on your travels again.
Good to

[Steev]

Having a difficult time in France, because there is a national strike affecting the railways which is my preferred method of travelling. Going from Vannes to Nantes my train was cancelled but was able to make the journey by bus. However next week I was to go from Nantes to Limoges – and again my train has been cancelled. Although I have some warning – there are no buses and although I could hire a car it would be expensive and I don’t feel brave enough to do a 4 hour drive when I have never driven in France before. (Remember I am from the UK and to us – everyone else drives on the „other side“ of the road.)

So I think I have decided to give Limoges a miss and stay in Nantes (but in another apartment) over Christmas and hope the strike is over in January when I need to move again. This will be expensive – but I may be able to get some money back because of things out of my control. It has made me realise how these sort of things can drain your wallet. I may have to find ways of earning extra money – so because of that I may not be on the site as often (as I will be working elsewhere) but I will be around over the Christmas period – in groups if anyone needs to chat!

[vera]

I can feel stress rising in my system as I read about your dilemma, Steev.
I hope you will be reimbursed promptly.
Can you get an internal flight?

[Steev]

I looked at internal flights but they are so expensive – and the strike in France is general and does include the air traffic control – so not all flights are happening.

I have managed to find somewhere else in Nantes – so will be staying in the city (though in a different place) until January when I hope the strike is over.  Have found this all very stressful but I guess it is all part and parcel of being a traveller!

[vera]

Steve, did you settle in your new „home““ in Nantes?
I hope it’s warm and safe and in a suitable location and you can „ferme porte“.
Is the transport strike over yet?

[i-did-it]

Hi Steev,
Yes that all sounds so stressful – I guess unpredictability is part of travelling but that doesn’t make it easier . When I went to my last Residential there were flood and trains were delayed and I found in incredibly stressful. And that’s just an hour or two late !

What type of work do you think you will do Steev? You seem to be qualified in a lot of areas so you should be able to get really well paid work .

Have you moved apartment yet steev? Do you like your Christmas home ? Will you try make it festive ?

Hope to catch u in group soon – it feels like a while since you were there .

[Steev]

It is good to hear from you both. @Vera – Yes I am in my new digs. Not ideal – smaller and colder than the previous place, but it is in a great location for the tram into town and the banks of one of the rivers is close too – so walking there will be lovely. The block is small and so far there has been very little noise and seems safe enough. The strike isn’t over – though I think more and more are going back to work as they aren’t being paid. Already thinking about the next move in January and whether getting a bus would be sensible. It is 5 hours with only 1 toilet for the whole bus ….

On the strike – the bus drivers came out on Wednesday (and there was a power cut) and some of the strikers were marching in the street with a heavy police attendance. I thought I was safe behind the police line – until I was nearly hit with a brick. Then the police started firing tear gas – which blew back at „us“ – of course they had masks on – I didn’t. I managed to get away but I never want to be tear gassed again!

@Idi – feeling settled now – and here for over 2 weeks more. Not festive – it doesn’t seem worth putting up decorations when I am only here for a short time. I have already started working – which is why you are seeing less of me! I applied, was interviewed and accepted a teaching English job – on-line – all in the one day and have already completed a few shifts. I think applying at this time of the year helped. Demand is high and a lot of teachers are away. The pay is really poor – but then there is very little to do as it is mainly just talking to people and correcting verbal errors. Also I don’t need too much pay – I think it is more concern about what might happen in the future / security. Of course, the problem with low pay is that I will have to put more hours in, so, yes that is why you have not seen so much of me – and I guess I will be here less often in the future. I will try and look in over Christmas and Boxing Day though – as I know that is a difficult time for gamblers. New Year and new resolutions to stop will motivate some as well.

If I don’t see you – have a great and happy Christmas and above all treat yourselves well – you deserve to. (Oh and that goes for anyone else who is reading this thread!)

[KiwiMac]

that sounds scary being caught up in the protests Steev, I’m glad you’re okay and that the brick missed you! Good that you’ve got some work going on. I have a couple more days next week at work, then off for two and a half weeks which I am really looking forward to. Two weeks gamble free for me today…it feels good, and I am having less gambling thoughts which is a relief. Hopefully can catch up with you in chat sometime…it’s a bit difficult for me because of the time difference. 

[Monica1]

Well, glad u r ok. France does sound like it is in a bad way, I think many countries are with the gap between the rich and the poor. And I include the U.K. in that one too. Good that u r working. I am becoming concerned about your budget, I thought you had enough to travel but now working for low pay? What’s going on? And when you,mention the future, how far ahead r you looking. You don’t have to answer that incidentally.
Thanks for your support this year. I don’t feel festive either, I have missed every Xmas party but I am trying to get there, still gotta put the tree up and wrap pressies. Merry Christmas and a happy travel fun filled 2020 to you!

[Steev]

Thanks for your post and your concern Monica.  Here in France the protests and strikes are about the government attempt to raise the pension age from 62 (at present) to 64.  Which given that I am 62 (63 in February,) and won’t get my pension until 66 is slightly ironic.

And that is how far ahead I am looking.  At the moment I get a small works pension and the rest of my money is the proceeds from selling my house.  On paper it should be enough – especially as a) I seem to be under budget for this first year and b) I have been to expensive countries so far – such as Belgium and now France.  Spain, Portugal and certainly Morocco should be cheaper.  But I guess having been in debt for so long – I can’t shake off the feeling that I ought to be doing something to bring an income in – and this is meeting that internal need.  Also a slight guilt that I have all these skills and I am not using them.

It is low pay – but it is very enjoyable and doesn’t involve having to do a lot of preparation or marking homework etc.  Basically I am being paid to chat with people from around the world, which is great!

It does mean that I will be here less often – or that I might come into chat and then leave suddenly if a student calls.  I hope to be around over the week ahead – especially on Boxing Day when people may be experiencing problems.

I hope your back is improving and that you are out of pain.  Have a great Christmas and New Year and hopefully „see“ you soon!

[Steev]

This is a special day for a lot of people – but I am one of the ones who struggle with it.

Why? Well perhaps because it is very much a family occasion, and I have no family. Perhaps because it is so commercialised and removed from its original religious intent. But I think the main reason I find Christmas so hard is the painful memories it brings up. In my early childhood, when my father was still around – his gambling meant that we did not have the lovely Christmas that I heard of from friends and on the TV screens. Ours was one filled with arguments over the lack of presents (my father regularly gambled Christmas money away) and not being able to go anywhere through lack of funds. Later, when he had left, my mother got so depressed at Christmas that she often would stay in bed all day – so that I had to cook the dinner and eat it alone.

Later I spent Christmas with „adopted“ families – but I always felt the odd one out – feeling I was with them through charity. So a few years ago I took the decision to spend Christmas alone in different places and really learn to enjoy my own company. So far I have been to Ireland; Devon and Herefordshire in England, and now France. I have learnt to love it. But I know not everyone is so lucky.

So if you are alone this Christmas – remember it is only for one day (odaat.) Treat yourself to something special – whether that be different food or drink than normal – or a different non-gambling experience. Spend the time at Christmas the way YOU want to, you don’t need to conform to the „norm.“

If you are finding things hard, don’t be afraid to reach out and make a call. The Samaritans in the UK and Befrienders in other countries are all available over Christmas https://www.samaritans.org/ https://www.befrienders.org/
Be kind to yourself and maybe make plans for a wonderful, gamble free, new year!

[MurrS7]

That post is very heartfelt and emotional man. I feel that you have had a lot of scarring childhoood experiences and it is astonishing how strong that you are having been through all of that. A lot of people in your shoes that went through what you did would have given up, kept gambling, turned to drugs and alcohol.. you actually used it to fuel your recovery it seems and honestly it projects onto so many people in this forum, everyone you reply to , to be exact, and thats usually everyone. So steev, I thank you for your open ears, your words of advice and encouragement , your abstinence from gambling to show us there is hope and we can all beat this just like you did. I know you said you don’t have any family but honestly man, I feel like this forum and community is one big family and we all have similar experiences and shared some of the same struggles no matter what they may be. I’m wishing you a merry Christmas, a happy New Years, and I hope you have a great day.. I dream to visit those places you have travelled to one day, and without gambling, the finances will be there to do it and my peace of mind will be in the moment to enjoy Life. Thanks again for your precense here. the greatest Christmas gift is not a thing, it’s the help you have given to change people’s lives for the better, and that my friend is priceless.

take care my Friend 

[Seanraj4731]

Steev. The struggles you endure i should not seek any self pity from this moment onwards. Man you had some experiences growing up esp at the xmas time, amazing you deserve traveling and experiencing different countries traditions cultures and people interactions. You are an amazing person and you have family here on this forum. I am your brother being very thankful for your words of upliftment and a way forward away from this habit. May your life continue to be a light onto others in this. One day we shall meet and i look forward to explore europe and the uk. May your xmas and joy of the season fill your heart and mind as we both take this journey embracing our self worth and recovery. Thank you brother

[vera]

Glad to read you are making better Christmas memories to obliterate your childhood ones, Steev.
None of us can change the past and memories good or bad continue to play a part in our lives.
Sometimes, what seems to be a „perfect family“ has hidden secrets behind an exterior happy front.
All any of us can do is to try to „accept the things we cannot change“ and make the best of what we have.

[KiwiMac]

you’re right Steev, It is a hard time of year for a lot of people. I’ve spent the last few Christmas’s alone by choice as there were family issues. I like your approach of making new Christmas memories in new places. Thank you for being a friend in my short time on this site. Look forward to chatting to you more in the new year.

[i-did-it]

Steev
Your post made me feel so sad for the little child who just wanted a happy Christmas but whose parents were unable to provide such an experience. I hope you enjoyed Christmas.

The striking thing for me about your post is that despite not having the best Christmas yourself you quickly make it less about you and all about helping others- you have nailed the real meaning of Christmas and I guess the essence of Steev.

Wishing you the happiest New Year with Good health to enjoy your travels..

[Steev]

I often wish there were little icons that we could put on replies to show how we feel about them – like the ones on facecloth. Can I say how moved I have been by your responses – and send a big red glowing heart to you all.

Let’s raise a glass for a wonderful gamble-free New Year!
(except those who are tee-total and then it’s a mug of herb-tea!)
See you here or in group soon!

[Steev]

Long post alert!

Like most people, these first few days in January encourage me to look at my plans for the year and think ahead. I have drawn up a rough plan of where I want to be travel-wise, (more of France then Spain and Portugal,) as well as thinking about new experiences I want to try. I was going to come up with a list of 52 new experiences – one for each week of 2020, but found I couldn’t. Most of things I want to do in life, I have already tried and yes I could go sky-diving, but when I think about it – I don’t really want to do it.

So in the end I have come up with 52 things I want to treat myself to this year – some of which are new experiences. I am not sure I will manage all of them, especially the ones around food and drink (my stomach problems being in remission but still on-going) but at least it’s a plan.

The act of planning, but not knowing what life will bring made me think of how I thought I could foresee the future when I was gambling. I know when I had a spell of continuously relapsing, I would often think, „oh well, I will just have to work harder in order to pay these new debts off“ as if working harder was always going to be an option. Of course, eventually it wasn’t. In 2005 after the break up of my marriage, I had to take time off work with depression. I also had to stop teaching evening classes and had to cut the heavy workload which was partly due to my compulsive nature and partly due to the need to finance my debts.

So when I see others on GT saying, „oh well, if I work hard over the next 3 years I can pay all my debts off,“ I want to scream, „BUT YOU DON’T KNOW THAT!“ Don’t assume that because you have been able to do that in the past, that you will be able to do so in the future. Not gambling is not risking our wealth and so having security for ourselves and our families, because we can’t predict things. We don’t know what the economy is going to do, what our personal circumstances are going to be, the needs of our loved ones. Even when good things happen, like my falling in love with a Brazilian woman, can lead to a whole heap of expense that was not planned for.

Of course, long-term planning does not go with problem gambling. Even those of us who may start with a „gambling plan“ abandon it as soon as the compulsion takes hold. I am also aware of how the thrill of risking our wealth is seen as acceptable in our society. Gambling, like some forms of investment or even entrepreneurship is seen as more „virile“ than safely salting money away. That adds to a myth that we buy into, that „I’m more of a man,“ (it does seem to be mainly men) „because I have put everything on red – even money I can’t afford to lose.“ Saying, „I am just putting all my excess money into a safe, interest bearing account“ just doesn’t compare. The reality is though, that not taking risks is less stressful and meets the needs of our loved ones and ourselves without anxiety.

The worry and anxiety can have effects beyond the obvious mental turmoil it causes. I am not the only one on this site that has stomach issues and current research sees this can be linked to problem gambling. There is also a link between gambling and binge drinking, smoking and an unhealthy diet. In short, when we are gambling, we are not looking after ourselves, we are also putting our health on the line.

We also gamble with our potential for further earnings. I didn’t notice the affect my gambling was having on my work performance but I think my colleagues and bosses did. It is also hard to keep one’s focus at job interviews when getting the job might make the difference between paying off debts in one year instead of five. Not being able to afford the interview suit or looking unkempt because I put gambling in front of getting that great haircut (and not having the sense to plan it into my week,) didn’t help either.

Planning. I think that is where I started this ramble. So apart from travel and treats, the other two things that will be important for me in 2020 are getting an income and learning a language. The two are connected in that I have started to teach English on-line and have been humbled by how much progress some of my students have made in the months and years that they have been studying. I know I need to talk more in my chosen languages so I will be setting up 2 hours a week speaking French and Portuguese as well as having face to face (or on Skype) lessons. It is stuff like this – having a goal and putting strategies in place to achieve it, which were lost when I was in gambling purgatory. I learnt a lot from 2019 when my goal was to sell my house, give away my bookstore stock, put stuff into storage and travel.

That goal was accomplished and I trust my next ones will be too and that I will be able to converse like a native when I get to my final destination of Portugal. So whatever you are intending to do with 2020 – I wish you all the best with your efforts and hope you have a wonderful prosperous new year.

[Seanraj4731]

Thats awesome living a good life you deserve it. Continue on your life journey. You are an amazing person. You inspire a lot of ppl on this forum. Good job on rediscovering your self worth. Thank you man for inspiring me as well. I appreciate that alot.

Keep safe man. 

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Steev for your support and thoughts. I really needed it. I’m doing much better. Thanks again. Take care.

[i-did-it]

Hi Steev,
Thats a really positive post to launch you into the new year. Will you be sharing the 52 things you are going to treat yourself to as the year progresses.

You have taken such a brave step to travel the world – many people want to, few do it.

I have no doubt that you will learn those languages. You have great determination to stick with whatever you decide to do, whether it’s stopping gambling, deciding to travel the world or helping others in recovery.

I have noticed that many people on here suffer from stomach problems and I did wonder if there was a link to gambling. I hope your issues have settled and that you are enjoying good health.

Take care Steev.

[Emma8]

After being away from the forum for a while, it is so nice to see you have your own thread. You support everyone else so much so I appreciate being able to follow your story too!

The thing you said about „just working harder“ has really hit a chord with me. I was actually thinking about just that this morning. Most days I try to come up with ways to make more money…whilst still gambling and paying large amounts towards loans, which I took out in order to gamble.

We all know that stopping gambling is not easy, this is why we need the forum, but the benefits of stepping away and looking after our money would make for a far easier life. And more secure life of course, should anything happen!

I’m grateful that you share the lessons which you’ve learnt. They’re really helping me to move away from this terrible addiction.

Thank you!

[ARB90]

Congrats Steev on your progress in recovery. I’ve noticed you contribute a lot on here and provide support for many of us through thread replies which is appreciated. Wishing you all the best for 2020.

[Steev]

I thought I should put a post up to celebrate my anniversary. I am one year house free today.

On 13th February last year – I sold my house in the UK and started this nomadic lifestyle. In the process I paid off all of my credit card and other debt and became debt free for the first time in decades. If I had kept the house, I reckon I wouldn’t have been debt free until my early 70s and by then probably too old to travel. I find it hard enough now. I can’t do the walking I used to do as a young man and I get tired after half a day’s sight-seeing. But I am out there seeing the world instead of watching reels going around on a machine.

I’m very happy with my choice of lifestyle. I am on budget and now that I am working, I am confident I can remain solvent into the foreseeable future.

It strikes me sometimes, that my journey is a bit like my recovery. Okay, I have a big picture – that I am travelling overland, (as far as possible,) to Brazil, but I am taking small steps, (literally!) I know where I want to be at the end of this year, but I am taking things one day at a time.

When I was gambling – there was no big picture. I just gambled for the sake of it. If I had had the big win – I know I would have just used it to continue gambling. Later it was going to pay my debts off. I needed a goal in life; I needed to be working (or walking) towards something.

So today I was seeing more of Paris. This time next year I plan to be in Porto. There is a whole world out there other than the inside of a casino, betting shop or a slots arcade. I intend to experience as much of it as I can.

[i-did-it]

Congratulations Steev on being one year house free.
It was a huge decision you took A year ago and just look at the great life you have today .
People throw the word inspirational about a lot nowadays but I actually felt yes, maybe I could take some risks in life.
We have all lived incredibly risky lives while we were gambling – often with no idea how we would survive until payday .
The life you live today may have en element of risk but the thing is YOU ARE LIVING LIFE !
Keep loving every minute steev.

[vera]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEEV

[lizbeth4]

I’m so happy that you are living your dream! Thanks for your support.

[Steev]

Thanks for your birthday wishes!

[Steev]

I’m back for my planned visit to the UK amongst all the angst of travelling. I got here by train from Paris with no problems but am a little worried that I might be stuck here and not allowed back to France when I plan to go in early April.

As I am homeless – I am a little worried that I may not have anywhere to go if this happens – but only a little worried. It is good to know that I have enough money in the bank to cope with any eventuality and this is something that I would not have had if I was still gambling. Mind you if I was still gambling I would probably not be travelling at all!

Will keep you posted on my travels. I do hope you are all able to keep safe in these worrying times.

[vera]

One day at a time, Steve.
All outside our control.

[Monica1]

Hi Steev
Have u found somewhere to stay in uk? Not sure about your travels to France, think they are going into a total lockdown shortly.

[Steev]

Am rearranging everything.  Luckily Airbnb are being very good to travellers and are allowing us to cancel without penalty.  Not such good news for accommodation providers I fear.  Today was a panic as the conference I was going to in Somerset decided not to go ahead at the last minute and I didn’t have alternative accommodation.  I tried to book somewhere else and they messaged me back to say they were ill with a cough and self-isolating so I couldn’t come.  Finally found somewhere is another town, nearby to here and will go tomorrow.  Might be noisy and it is only a sofa bed – but then it is only for 4 days. 

I have cancelled the first part of my trip to France and will probably cancel the rest in the next few days.  Have accommodation sorted in the UK until April 8th – and there is the possibility of getting the flat I am in now on a short term let from April 26th – so just need to fill the gap.  It’s Easter and everywhere is booked – but I am hoping there might be some cancellations! 

How are you now?  I hope you are feeling better and able to get about a bit.  Take care.

[Steev]

So good to see you back here and that you have been some time gamble free.
Yes I am still working on my French both on duolingo and Italki and have tried one or two other things as well. I am also trying to improve my Portuguese – partly because of my (hopefully still) impending visit and also because I am teaching English on-line now and a lot of my students are Brazilian, so having some words in common would be useful.
In my emergency digs and they are not too bad, but I am glad it is only for 4 days – this is somewhere to stay over – not for the long term. There has been a cancellation at my preferred digs and I am only have a gap of 10 days to fill now – so should be okay.
I think you are right about staying where everyone knows my name – although if I am self isolating there will be no-one around to say it to me!
Good to be able to come on here I think.
Be good to hear what has been going on for you!

[Steev]

Today was the day that I was going to pick up my journey again after my short break in the UK. I was supposed to be travelling by train to Paris and on Friday onto the South of France for 5 weeks and then Spain in early May.

Instead I am in a flat between Sheffield and the Peak District a beautiful part of the UK. I will have to move out for 10 days in a weeks time but when I come back there is the possibility of a 6 month tenancy, which I am seriously considering. Sad not to be seeing more of the world, but I think now is the time to stay safe and to do what I can to keep others safe.

No gambling thoughts – indeed I am very busy with work and language learning – and still getting my daily walk in, so I am very happy at the moment. I hope all is well wherever you are and take good care all!

[i-did-it]

Hi Steev,
This virus has changed out world beyond belief – what’s surprising for me is that I am actually really enjoying just being at home and chilling out . I never thought I could live in the countryside again but now I am thinking the peace might be nice.

It is just as well you hadn’t waited another year to travel – you have made some great memories to see you through the coming months .
Please God this virus will pass soon and we can all get back to our normal lives.

[Steev]

I have been giving some thought to my situation and what I might do if I can’t travel anymore. I hope this situation to be over in the next few months – maybe into next year, but if not – what does a „world traveller“ do if he can no longer travel?

It made me realise that I travel to enjoy the beauty of the world, the landscapes, the trees, the sights and sounds of nature. So different from the sights and sounds in the arcades I used to spend so much time in!

So my plan B would be to find somewhere to live which would allow me to be out in nature as much as possible and to work on my photography skills so I could record as much of the beauty of the natural world as possible. I have also decided that I want to feel proud of myself by learning another language, so I am still pressing ahead with my Portuguese and will be dropping the French as I shall only go back for a few weeks now – if at all.

I’m also enjoying my English teaching – it is good to be useful and to speak to people from around the world. I am feeling connected in this disconnected time.

[i-did-it]

Steev
That does sound like a great plan.
I sometimes wonder how some People (like you) seem to be able to plan your lives, while I seem to drift through mine .

I really can’t think of anything I would like to do more than party my way through life – living like Patsy and Edina from Absolutely Fabulous would be my ideal life.

Please tell me how you can came to know what you really wanted from life ? Did you always know ? It amazes me that at my age I am still drifting through and still no sense of direction..

[Nick]

Hi Steev, thanks for the post on my thread , yes i didn’t really explain, i should have said get out of the bad habits like gambling and get into the good replacement habits of whatever we replace it with , it’s going to be different for many of us depending how and what we gamble on . While lockdown is on and we have the opportunity with no excuses to think about how we can change our habits , hope this makes sense.

[Steev]

I have taken on the tenancy of a flat I was renting through Airbnb – I have signed a contract for an initial 6 months. It is in a lovely spot between the Peak District and Sheffield in the UK and although there can be some noise from the downstairs flat at times (I’m on the first floor) generally it is quiet warm and peaceful.

This isn’t somewhere I could have afforded if I was still in action and I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I hadn’t stopped gambling. I guess it balances out my occasional fantasies of what my life would have been like if I hadn’t STARTED gambling.

I fully intend to go back travelling as soon as lockdown and international travel allow. In the meantime doing some of things I have been putting off – not least cutting down the amount in my storage unit will be my top priority. No point in talking about action without putting it into practice myself!

[i-did-it]

Hi Steev, this is a good move – it gives you a bit of security during this current crisis. You might find here are some good places to visit on your doorstep.
My mother always says about “stuff” – if you haven’t needed it for past few years you don’t need it now- she practices what she preaches – I find it more difficult to follow this advice.

Yes I think you have recovery sussed!

Q. What makes a good recovery ?
A. Action

The action might be different for each of us but we all need to take action especially to close those last tiny doors we leave open just in case.

Delighted to see you posting !
Talk soon.

[Seanraj4731]

Good day Steve thank you so much for posting on my thread I really happy to see you posting. Yes this event has brought to rethink and renew our minds in a completely different way now. We ought to be more appreciative for the simplicity of life.

Truly grateful for the wonders of nature. I am in awe of it diversity and structure taking moments to embrace it natural aroma and cleanse air as I inhale the positive and exhale the unwanted thoughts.

Thank you Steve. 

[i-did-it]

Hi Steev,
I was just thinking earlier that those groups are becoming a bit of a floccinaucinihilipilification?
Would you agree ?
Lol!

[Steev]

This comment, „I will miss the entertainment …“ on someone else’s thread, got me thinking.

My only experience of ending an addiction before gambling was caffeine. I knew I was drinking too much of it – 7 or 8 cups of black coffee a day – but I had no reason to stop. Until a visit to the doctor’s who diagnosed high blood pressure (from gambling?) and suggested I needed to cut down. Of course I knew better and thought I could just stop. Oh boy, was I wrong! Massive headaches, sleeplessness and just feeling so angry at the world. I went back to coffee.

A few months later and I decided to take the doctor’s advice – I did it her way. Slowly but surely I came down to my present consumption of just one cup per day.

Why is this relevant? Well I’m aware that when I (and others) talk about giving up gambling – it is the all or nothing scenario. Now we all know that „controlled gambling“ doesn’t work for around 90% of those of us that try it. (I should know I have tried it many times) We are just not wired that way. But it seems to me what is missing is the „entertainment.“ Is there a way of getting the payoff of the highs of winning without actually gambling? Maybe there is.

One of the many things I tried when stopping gambling was to become (in my own small way) an entrepreneur. It was very small because, (of course) I had no money to start-up with – but instead of slot arcades I started visiting charity shops, (thrift shops in the US.) I didn’t know much about anything, but I bought cheaply and tried to sell for good money on certain internet auction sites. I did this whilst I was still working full time – so I wasn’t risking a lot of money, but I did have some success. So much so that in a few years I was able to give up my stressful full-time job to sell books online full-time. I had my own business and some of the „entertainment“ of gambling was redirected into my business. There was the highs and lows of buying and selling either at a profit or a loss, there was the „entertainment“ of finding out more about the subject (the research of sport’s betting?) It gave structure to my life – I looked forwards to visiting a place to see what gems I might find there. It certainly kept my brain working and I could lose myself in it and not worry about other things. (OK so there were down-sides too!)

I never took things to another level – i.e. bought premises (I stored stock in my attic) or hired staff – but that would have been the way to go. I might have done so if I had been younger.

I was reminded of this by another gambler who did the same thing, only with old video games (a subject he knew something about) and he became quite successful with this as a side-hustle.

I also knew someone (without a gambling problem) who probably went for the cheapest „in“ possible – by looking out for old postcards. This fulfilled her interest in history – and she „won the jackpot“ when a card she bought in a job lot turned out to have been sent by one of the members of Scott’s expedition to the North Pole and was the last thing he ever wrote – it sold for thousands.

So the entertainment is out there … you just need to find it. What are you interested in? Could you make a cheap start in this field? Are you prepared to learn? Yes it is about taking chances – but in a more controlled way and could be the „doing things slowly“ way of ending this addiction.

Food for thought? I would welcome comments.

[i-did-it]

Hi Steev

As a person with gambling addiction I find I always used to look out for new ways to gamble – eg, metal detector on beach, hitting the jackpot on eBay, finding a meteor, finding a valuable necklace or dish  by chance in a charity shop or car boot sale. 

When I was on the residential we were told to avoid auction sites or anywhere else where we could get a win– not forever but for a while  .Since lockdown however I have bought a few things – I think my brain has changed  so much though because I now enter my top bid and forget about it completely- only realising i have “won” the item when I open my emails the next day. In the past I would watch the countdown until the sale ended and try sneak in a last minute bet – sorry I mean bid!

I think we all know what gambling is for ourselves – if we find ourselves thinking about the chase, getting too caught up in the selling or buying, unable to switch off from it – we know then that we have replaced one type of gambling for another.

My tuppence worth is that in early recovery we should avoid anything which gives us the buzz that gambling does. We are talking about brain plasticity – we want our brains to change – we do not want to reinforce those gambling pathways.  We also were told to avoid video games- I followed advice to the letter and I really think my brain has changed. 

There are different type of buzz which will not reinforce the gambling connections in our brains – exercise, painting, decorating, sewing – many of the “old fashioned” hobbies if you like . 

I’m not saying I’m right by the way – I am just describing how I view my own recovery . When I have thoughts about finding a valuable treasure in my garden (yes I do this too) I remind myself that I don’t need  to find a valuable ring – I have enough! I challenge all thoughts that may be even slightly coming from the addiction which lives in my brain!

So Steev you have given me plenty of food for thought and opened a very interesting debate .

[Steev]

As you could probably tell from the tone of my post – I was not sure about this either. Is it useful to give this advice if it descends into another form of gambling? If someone „gets lucky“ and has a good find … and makes a lot of money, would it tip them over into gambling again?

On the other hand there have been a lot of posts recently from people who are watching gambling videos or playing free (or even paid for) games – who would not consider they are gambling but are perhaps more at risk than doing something like this … if only that buying postcards or selling stuff on ebay, takes them out of the gambling environment. Like I tried to show with my coffee analogy, making a clean break from gambling is tough – and this might keep some of the „entertainment“ going without the actual gamble.

I’m not sure – and I would welcome more comments!

[Monica1]

Well, it’s an interesting debate. I am one of those you speak about. I play games and always have done in recovery. Has it ever led to gambling? No. And I have had quite a few emails in lockdown which I just delete. Have I spent more than I should? Yes. Particularly this past month, I have spent as much as half a nights gambling. For some it would be a lot of money, and it would have been better if I saved it. Will I be broke as a result? No. I have eaten very well, paid for my courses and got stuff for my home which I do every month. I will have a small amount of my salary left at the end of the month.
Do I regret spending it? Yes. It is clearly my gambling substitute. AndI find I am now uNtil payday my challenge is not to spend or waste any more on it. I was the same after Xmas, having spent a lot more over that time period than now, but it is still quite a lot to throw away. I still cook a lot, am doing and paying for my courses, three of them in lockdown. I go out into my shared garden daily when it is warm. But i am still bored, demotivated and fed up. I have been home now for nearly nine weeks. I don’t like going out the front door and get most of my things delivered. Does it give me a gambling hit? No.
Is it a form of harm reduction? I suppose so. Can I keep to a budget that I might have for it? No. Is it compulsive? Not really as I stop and can stop playing for as long as I care to.
So, is the jury out on that one? Comments welcome. It is a difficult one.

[Monica1]

Well, it’s an interesting debate. I am one of those you speak about. I play games and always have done in recovery. Has it ever led to gambling? No. And I have had quite a few emails in lockdown which I just delete. Have I spent more than I should? Yes. Particularly this past month, I have spent as much as half a nights gambling. For some it would be a lot of money, and it would have been better if I saved it. Will I be broke as a result? No. I have eaten very well, paid for my courses and got stuff for my home which I do every month. I will have a small amount of my salary left at the end of the month.
Do I regret spending it? Yes. It is clearly my gambling substitute. AndI find I am now uNtil payday my challenge is not to spend or waste any more on it. I was the same after Xmas, having spent a lot more over that time period than now, but it is still quite a lot to throw away. I still cook a lot, am doing and paying for my courses, three of them in lockdown. I go out into my shared garden daily when it is warm. But i am still bored, demotivated and fed up. I have been home now for nearly nine weeks. I don’t like going out the front door and get most of my things delivered. Does it give me a gambling hit? No.
Is it a form of harm reduction? I suppose so. Can I keep to a budget that I might have for it? No. Is it compulsive? Not really as I stop and can stop playing for as long as I care to.
So, is the jury out on that one? Comments welcome. It is a difficult one.

[i-did-it]

This is from the American psychiatric association. If you answer yes to four, you have a diagnosis of gambling addiction. I think replacing the word gamble with the new activity would be on way to answer this question. I guess though with most replacement activities you don’t spend a lot of money.

“Need to gamble with increasing amount of money to achieve the desired excitement

Restless or irritable when trying to cut down or stop gambling

Repeated unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back on or stop gambling

Frequent thoughts about gambling (such as reliving past
gambling experiences, planning the next gambling venture, thinking of ways to get money to gamble)

Often gambling when feeling distressed

After losing money gambling, often returning to get even (referred to as “chasing” one’s losses)

Lying to conceal gambling activity

Jeopardizing or losing a significant relationship, job or educational/career opportunity because of gambling

Relying on others to help with money problems caused by gambling”

[Monica1]

As it is the same subject, I am posting on Steevs thread. So I hope he does t mind. On gsmbling I could answer yes to all of those when I was in action. On gaming, not one really, which is interesting.

[i-did-it]

we may regret time and money spent on gaming Monica, but if it doesnt  destroy our lives I guess it’s not an addiction.

Having said that I’m sure gaming  is an addiction for many people and gambling can be enjoyed without addiction for many others.

Perhaps it comes down to the individual response to the activity?

[Steev]

Thanks for your responses, Monica and Idi. I have thought more about things and I wonder if what makes the difference is „intention.“ If I decide to spend some time playing games or being on Ebay, with clear INTENTION that this is part of my recovery – and I go into it with awareness and withdraw if it is doing me harm (or not needed anymore) – is this different to just drifting into things?

I was looking at some posts on another recovery website and quite disturbed by some of the dictating posts there such as „the ONLY way is a belief in God“ and „GA is the ONLY solution.“ I know from personal experience that there are many ways to stop and to stay stopped – and to tout something as „the only way,“ may have serious affects on someone who has tried that way and failed for whatever reason.

Perhaps playing games, Ebay and Netflix is not something that should be promoted to a new poster looking for something to spend time on – outside of gambling, but I for one will be supportive if that is what they need to do to stop. For me stopping and staying stopped IS what people need and whatever way they find to get there is their business.

[i-did-it]

Hi Steev
Netflix was the foundation of my recovery so I’m with you. Interestingly it is becoming less important as other interests take over. I still avoid Tetris as I do find gaming very addictive and eBay I now only buy from – I don’t need to sell my stuff to pay for dinner anymore !

I think though you are right – whatever it takes to stop us gambling and stay stopped! I have always said there is no one size fits all! We all need the help that we need.
I won’t go into my thoughts on GA but it definitely wasn’t for me.
I’m not sure about intention- because every time
I gambled my intention was to spend ￡20 and withdraw any winnings.
This is, however, a great thought provoking discussion and challenging things in this way is very conducive to gambling recovery.

I hope all is good with you Steev!

[Steev]

I’ve had two bits of bad news in the last 24 hours. First someone I knew (not well, but still) died by suicide earlier in the week.
Then a friend (not close, but still) has let me know that she has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.
It just makes me realise that I tended to obsess about all the money I lost through gambling, but other losses like time and health are equally important and although it can be hard to recoup money – it is impossible to recoup our time or our health.
My health is not great – but it isn’t life threatening and I am sad but not depressed by what it going on around me.

I hope all of you on here will keep strong through these difficult times and soon be able to enjoy the freedom of life after lockdown.

[Steev]

I don’t know who Yung Pueblo is … but I like this quote from him.
n
n“I was never addicted to one thing. I was addicted to filling a void within myself with things other than my own love.“

[Steev]

I have been quite ill with my stomach issues over the last few days – though feeling a little better now. It has kept me at home and I have been looking at some issues to do with compulsive gambling – including low self-esteem.
n
nI was listening to a podcast from Mark Manson – who suggests that most (not all) successful people have high self-esteem because they are successful and maybe didn’t start with it.
n
nThat made me wonder if I have low self-esteem because I was addicted to gambling – or did I develop my addiction partly because I had low self-esteem in the first place. I suspect the latter and the gambling did nothing to boost it. Maybe if I had won big!? But that was never going to happen on slot machines.
n
nI now recognise that my self-esteem goes up and down depending on what is going on in my life – and the more I achieve the better I feel about myself. Each day I go without gambling is a good day. A good day helps my self-esteem.

[i-did-it]

Hi steev
nGreat post! I looked up the people you mentioned. Most interesting .
nIt?s a horrible time right now and lockdown has affected us all in one way or another. Having a bad tummy can?t help. Hope you are feeling better.
nThank God we don?t have to add gambling and being skint to the list of depressing stuff right now.
nTake care – talk soon!
n

[Steev]

I have kept a journal off and on over the years.
nI am currently in the process of moving my stuff from one storage unit to another and have brought some of it to my flat to sort. One item I found was a journal from 1994!
n
nI was amazed at how much I was doing then. Not gambling, but working full-time, doing a post-grad counselling course for which I got day release but still had to put in 2 evenings a week, I was going to GA meetings regularly AND to regional and even national meetings around the country. On top of this I seemed to have a much more active social life than I have now. Later in the year I started teaching evening classes.
n
nPart- way through the journal I am writing about how I am finding hard to resist gambling – but keeping so busy has kept me from it so far. Then the entries stop.
n
nI know the story though. I crashed. I gambled again, not much, but of course I had to give up my „position“ in GA and soon after I decided to leave. I had to cut my hours down at work and I was taking medication for depression. I completed my counselling course but was unable to practice for a while, until I was in a better place. I found the counselling I received invaluable.
n
nMost importantly – I began to see myself as a human being, not a human doing. It took a long time to learn to pace myself and to take time out and just be and maybe I am not fully there yet. The learning is to watch that I don’t take too much on and that as soon as I have thoughts that I might gamble – to talk to someone and not just write in a private journal. Just for today I will not gamble!

[Arywise]

Stay strong. I too am just starting to stop. One day at a Time is all we can do. We need to stay true to ourself and build off of each day. Get momentum to stop and think about how much better it can be as a free soul.

[Monica1]

Good to hear about your 1994 journal. And I completely agree around pacing ourselves. I used to take too much on too before I was gambling although gambling will always affect every other aspect of life. With your gut issues, I found that I really had to change my diet as you know. I was labelled with ibs except the third doc I saw in gastro realised that it cannot be ibs as the spasm makes me throw up as well. So, the ibs label has come away now. However, our digestive systems change as we get older and the things I used to eat I no longer can. So I would still say, look at what you can do with your diet. How do you spend your days now? Are you still doing the English language work on line?

[Steev]

Yes I am still working on-line although I have cut it down a bit over the last few weeks.? Mainly because I am trying to deal with my storage issues.? I have a very expensive storage unit in Sheffield and they were putting up the price again – so I started clearing out as much as possible and now I have found a new company setting up who have offered me a very good deal.? So I am not only downsizing but moving completely.? Most of the move will take place on Monday when I have a friend with a van to help me.? But currently the flat is full of „stuff to sort.“

I haven’t managed to pin down which foods are causing me problems.? I already have cut a lot out of my diet – but going gluten free didn’t work.? I am getting no help with the NHS and am wondering whether to go private – but it goes against my politics a little – quite apart from the cost.? Moving to Scotland and to a different NHS might be an answer.

So, trying to be as stress free as possible (is that possible when I am traveling again) and really looking hard at my diet seem the only ways through this.? I am determined to give it my best shot.? If I can beat gambling …

[Monica1]

Once there is a label of ibs, I think you will find that no one wants to know, they just dish out the buscopan, peppermint and COlpermin in in my case. Unfortunately, for me none of them worked,. I am aware that with bread I bloat and it is the one thing that can lead to weight gain, but I am not gluten sensitive, I just try not to eat too much bread. Dairy was the big thing for me but I still sneak in little bits of cheese every now and again. Sometimes I am Ok and sometimes not. But yoghurt and cream including ice cream is a big no no. And, sugar was also a big thing. I allow myself one sweet thing a week but get vegan desserts as I find them easier to tolerate. It is trial and error. From being completely debilitated by it all I now have what I call attacks every 4 to six weeks. I am pleased the last gastro guy took off the label of ibs but it had taken me three years to get that diagnosis. A nutritionist might help you more than seeing a doc privately. To be frank, once they say ibs, the nhs cannot really help much. They just dish out meds to help with the spasm, but they don?t help me, once it starts there is no stopping it unfortunately, just have to ride it out. Or see a kinesiologist who can do muscle testing to see what is affecting our bodies adversely. It was all trial and error for me.
nGood luck with the storage move.

[Steev]

I don’t often have news – things have become rather predictable as of late … but I have managed to move storage units and the new price is roughly half of what the old place would have been had I accepted the price increase – so I am pleased. The only hitch in the move was that my unit is on the first floor and the lift was broken on the day most of the stuff arrived – so we had to unload the van into a ground floor unit and then I came back two days later, with another friend (I know I have at least 2!) and we moved it upstairs. I would have left it downstairs but the area is prone to flooding and I didn’t want to take the chance.

The second piece of news is that I am definitely going to Scotland (well unless I am ill or in quarantine!) I have found a place in the borders, to the south of Edinburgh and it is on a country estate with 5 acres of gardens. I am always nervous about going somewhere new and I have booked it from November to mid-January, but I needed to move on now that I am a traveller! I am feeling better stomach-wise and am working less so that I can get on with clearing stuff. I wonder if there is a link between gambling and hoarding??

[kolberg]

Hey Steev,

Good news are always welcome! I’m happy that you could find a cheaper storage and that you are resuming your adventures as a world traveler.

Take care ??

[Monica1]

The Edinburgh trip sounds pretty cool and a definite change of environment. I am pleased u can start your travels again. Scotland is a beautiful country and I am sure u will love it.

[Steev]

I was writing about my gambling experience earlier and noticed that I used the words betting when I was talking about fruit machines (slots.)
nIt made me think that I NEVER used the word betting to refer to my gambling at the time. I always was „just“ playing not actually gambling.
nI wonder if this is one of the ways in which we minimise what we are doing in our heads. „Oh it is just play – it doesn’t really matter.“
nGambling and betting is a lot more serious, I was only losing tens of pounds in a day – not like „real“ gamblers.
n
nPerhaps in the mornings when I was having the inevitable debate with myself about whether I should „play“ or not – I said in my head, now should I go out and „ruin my finances“ or stay in and read a good book instead, it would have helped me to stay away earlier. I don’t know – but I pose this as a discussion point for you all!

[i-did-it]

Great point Steev!

To play conjures images of innocent happy fun suitable for children.

To bet is an adult activity and immediately brings to mind people gambling their homes or businesses ?in a game ?of cards.

All self-talk is important but our use of specific language can definitely influence our perception.

[kathryn]

I had forgotten about the word play, I used it every single time! I never went for a bet……never!
nAlways a play and usually a ?little? play, that was, at the end, never ever little!
nI think calling it anything else was admitting my addiction, even though I knew I was a CG years before I did anything about it.
nGreat discussion point! Another memory to keep me grounded!
nTake care, K xxxx
n
n

[i’m_free]

Great point. Because to me it’s all a bad dream that needs a reality check . Just like using the idea of playing instead of the reality of wagering , betting or gambling. I hesitate to spend 5 dollars on a loaf of gluten free bread but I played many 5 dollars bets or wagers over and over. Playing. I’d like to once again discover ‚real‘ ways to play in life. thx. *freestar

[Casinotutor]

Nice journey!! I’m waiting for the end of COVID 19 to begin my short trip to Southeast Asia

[Steev]

I know it’s been a long time – but I still think about this place from time to time and wonder how you are all doing. I notice one or two names I remember from a couple of years ago … I hope others are not here because they no longer need to be. I am still gamble free. Currently in Spain having spent the last 4 months in Portugal. I will be back in the UK next month but leaving again for the 3rd round of travels in July. I would much rather have this life than the one I had stood in front of a flashing machine, pushing in coin after coin. Keep doing what you need to do to keep gamble free and enjoy your life!

[charles]

Hi Steev, good to see that you are still enjoying the benefits of not gambling. Maybe see you in a group again soon.

[ididit]

Hi Steev, you have nailed it! You have much better life living your dream than chasing a dreamworld. Well done and it is great to hear about your travels. Helps to keep us al inspired.im doing ok- still hanging in there and enjoying life. Hope for an update from you soon

[Autor]

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