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Hello

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Hi Stacey
Not only is it not selfish for you to put yourself first, in this forum it is the right thing for you to do and I am glad that you have found us.
Have ‘you’ ever sought support from counselors or Gamanon, or has it always been about your partner? Do you have family and friends to support you or are you carrying this all on your own shoulders?

You are important Stacey, you cannot stop your partner gambling but by looking after you first and gaining knowledge about his addiction you will learn to cope and retake control of ‘your’ life.
Have you given up hobbies and interests because of the time you have spent worrying about your partner’s addiction? Doing something for yourself everyday in which you shove thoughts of gambling firmly to the back of your mind will help you cope better – 24 hours of worrying about someone else and what they are doing is soul-destroying and it doesn’t help you or your CG (compulsive gambler)
I have brought up my thread entitled ‘The F&F Cycle’ which I hope will help you to see that you are understood here.
I am away this weekend Stacey,I will post to you again on Monday but in the meantime I hope you will get other replies.
Speak soon, well done starting your thread
Velvet

Hi Stacey
I understand everything you have written, so many F&F give up talking to family and friends because of the feeling that people get fed up with hearing the same old complaints that inevitably comes with this addiction, hopefully writing here will give you an outlet for ‘your’ feelings and this forum doesn’t stop listening.
It would be great if you could join me in the F&F group later tonight 20.00-21.00 hours UK time, you will be very welcome, nothing said in that group appears on the forum.
Does your partner say that he wants to control his addiction or is he blithely indulging it without appearing to realise the damage he is causing to his family?
If he wants to stop or if he has tried to stop and failed, so far, there is a lot of support for him, not least the GMA (Gordon Moody Association, our Helpline here, or our ‘CG only’ groups and GA.
I found your post very mature in that you have recognised the problem, you have realised the danger inherent in leaving him alone while you are at work, you know that he is not hurting you deliberately but you are seeking to help him recover, however I don’t hear you thinking you can save him. The only person you can save is you and the only person who can save your partner is your partner – you can certainly support him seek his recovery however and CGs who are supported are more likely to succeed.
CGs are not necessarily honest in their counselling and dedicated addiction counselors and therapists are aware of this. If your partner was seeing a general counselor it is possible that your partner was able to tie him/her up in knots because of the manipulative nature of the addiction. I know (because he subsequently told me) that my CG lied and blamed me for the first 3 months of his counselling but at the end of his treatment he was taking control of his addiction. GA (gamblers anonymous) works because most CGs who attend want to control their addiction but they also recognise when they are getting BS from other members.
I will leave this post here for now but keep posting because threads become like journals which give you the ability to look back and see how far you have come and you will progress because you want to do so.
Velvet

Hi Stacey
It’s late so this will be a quick reply. I just wanted to tell you that I read you post so that you know you are being heard. I am glad that you know you can use this forum as a place to unburden.
Do you have happy times with your partner or are they outweighed by the unbearable behaviour.
I hope to get a fuller post off to you tomorrow and hopefully suggest ideas to help you cope better but for tonight I just want you to know that I’m thinking about you.
Velvet

Hi Stacey
I recognise all the different behaviours that you are describing – if there were no good times it would probably be a lot easier to make decisions.
I often use the following as a way of coping with the different facets of a CG, it isn’t professionally recognised but it has worked for so many that I believe it is worth hearing. If you can imagine your partner’s addition as a slavering beast chained in the corner of the room ready to strike when provoked it possibly will make it easier to talk to him during the good times. When you speak to him, I believe, it is good to be aware that his addiction is always poised and ready to strike but as long as you stay calm and don’t prod the beast it will stay in corner.
Of course it is hard to live with a CG (compulsive gambler) without having arguments because the addiction beast is an expert at creating arguments which give it an excuse to gamble. When you seek to talk to your partner about his behaviour, logic and reason fly out of the window while the addiction beast leaps between you and distorts your meaning, changing it to fit your partner’s personal perception. You are not the master of threats and nor do you want to be but your partner’s addictive beast is. It needs to blame others for its existence because the alternative is to accept responsibility for poor behaviour which is seemingly an insurmountable thing for him to face.
Your partner’s addition will have given him constant feelings of failure because he will always lose when he gambles, that is the nature of the beast. Feeling a failure every day leads to lack of self-confidence and no self-esteem – worthlessness. Your partner’s reaction to all this is to fight back with the only tools he has at present – manipulation, blame, lies and deceit but with the right support your partner can be given the tools to control his addiction, he can rebuild his confidence and self-esteem but he has to want to do so.
In my opinion it is almost impossible to get past the addiction beast by worrying and trying to push the conversation towards discussions on honesty and recovery. I believe that it is better to stand back and listen to the CG rather than to get involved in arguments. The CGs response to provocation is probably to gamble while the loved one’s response is sleepless nights, 24 hour-a-day worry and unnecessary feelings of inadequacy.
The way this works is that by stepping back it is easier to stay out of the argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. When you begin to try and put your side the addiction beast has something to get its teeth into.
This might sound negative but what the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you. With this addition, the way to win is not to play the game.
I am going to leave this here and await your thoughts. You are doing well with our posts.
Velvet

Hi Stacey, I am the mum of a CG which has been going on for Over eight years. I understand everything you are saying. Our son does just the same, in manipulating his access to money. He has his monthly salary paid into his account ( he won’t let me look after his finances) this month he has asked to borrow money as his bank card is bent and he’s waiting for a new one. He is very manipulating and has constantly pulled the wool over our eyes. Deep down he is a lovely sensitive person, but he lets the gambling monster control his life. Like you I feel exhausted, but what I want to say to you is that everything velvet says regarding protecting ourselves is so vital. I wish I had found this forum early on in our sons addiction, because the strategies velvet talks about have helped in ensuring we take action to protectt ourselves. Our son was in a five year relationship with a lovely girl who we have come to love as one of the family. There are no children involved, but she stuck with him. However, she can no longer cope with his addiction and has finished with him. As much as I was selfishly hoping they would get married as I would love her as. Daughter in law, I am glad she has finished with him, because if our son does not sort himself out she will have no life with him. Like your partner, he has stolen from her and us. Now he can focus on his problem and get sorted. So far he’s not doing that.
You are not stupid
D, you are a sensitive loving person who is trying to make things work. Like velvet says and I have had to take this on board, only we cN save ourselves and our cg’ s can only save themselves. I can believe in my son all I want, but he has to believe in himself S does your partner. Gamblers are very selfish people when it comes to their Addiction. My heart goes out to you. You will find constructive practical help here as well as emotional support. Take care. HOpe 1

Hi Stacey
I don’t find it strange that you feel that one day somebody else will reap the benefit of the 7 years you have suffered trying to support a CG into turning his life around but you haven’t got to that point and I would never suggest that you get to it or not. I firmly believe that it is possible for both CG and F&F to gain from the experience of living with the addiction to gamble and to make it work for a better future.
Scream by all means but never lock yourself away because that would mean the addiction had won and that must never happen. You are stronger than your partner’s addiction even when you feel it is winning and that strength will be growing. Your children will gain from that strength and you will be an excellent role model for them.
The idea that he has a right to buy something for himself because he has not gambled is not unusual but 2 days abstention is not recovery and was, as you so rightly say, another selfish act. However, I doubt his addiction wanted to hear your reasoning that the rent should have gone first as it was still full on and demanding attention.
Finding the words to deal with an active CG standing in front of you, seemingly much bigger and more aggressive than usual, is never easy and I have made every mistake in the book. I think that the best thing to do when you are floored for a response about money being demanded or an answer to a nasty comment is to refuse to respond in a way that allows for further manipulation. I think it is good to have phrases ready, perhaps jotted down in a quiet moment, such as ‘I will discuss this only when, you have calmed down/sat down/stopped glaring/I have had time to think’. The thing about a manipulative person is that they know what they are going to say, they know what they want, but you don’t – so caught by surprise your answer is more likely to be open to further manipulation.
Take the frustration out of knowing that when he gambles he will swear blind that he didn’t by accepting that he will not tell you the truth so there is little point in the confrontation. I doubt very much that he thinks you are stupid. He knows he has gambled and lost, so his addiction will want to confuse you into backing away. Confusing him by not responding in a way that he doesn’t expect is more effective – perhaps calmly saying something like ‘we both know you are lying but we will leave it at that’ and then carry on with something that you want to do.
Once again I hope some of this helps but please keep posting and hopefully drop in to the group where we can ‘talk’ in real time which is often easier.
Velvet

Hi, Stacey

I’m new to this, so I hope you don’t mind me interjecting. I understand how that roller coaster is. How your CG is truly a sweet wonderful person, fun, sensitive, intelligent. You hold them when they cry. You laugh with them. But the addiction has a hold so tight that it’s nearly impossible to predict what you will get day to day. You forget the bad times so easily, right? I know – I get that sort of amnesia myself! ??

All I can offer is that you are not alone. Also, I am trying to work on myself right now. That’s all I can do. Listen, love, and support. But you are doing the right thing by protecting yourself. For your sake, monitor this abuse so it doesn’t move into physical (although emotional, financial, and psychological abuse is legitimate as well). I will be sending positive thoughts your way! Believe me, I’m working through my situation and trying to be mindful. Peace to you!

Hi Stacey
It is always when the unexpected bill comes in that our thoughts turn to what might have been if………………..! Nothing comes of the thought, however, apart from a bit more misery on top of the worry of paying the bill.
I am hoping that your partner is suffering because he hasn’t got use of a car. If he is suffering at all, try not to say things like ‘it’s all your fault, if you hadn’t gambled etc’ which is water off a CG ducks back – hopefully what will get through to him is that he is cold and wet because he gambled leaving him with no money to fix the car.
The addiction is selfish – he probably won’t be ready to shoulder the responsibility of his children and you doing the school run as the temperatures drop and he may well use any complaining as a reason for him to gamble – after all who wants to be stuck at home with a partner and 4 children moaning all the time when you can gamble and forget your worries ?
You thinking positively about you is the best thing you can do – hoping for him to wake up and accept responsibility is a waste of your energy.
I am always concerned that my message smacks of rolling over and allowing the CG to wipe their feet a bit more on their loved one – but all the tears, anger, pleading, stress that F&F go through to the nth degree doesn’t make a scrap of difference to an active CG apart from giving their addiction reason to react negatively.
Obviously it is important to protect as much finance as you possibly can and to this end I suggest opening an account to which he has no access or knowledge. Any monies saved are not for paying gambling debts but for protecting your children.
This is only a suggestion, but if it was me I think I would print off the Gamblers Anonymous 20 questions and tick the yeses that I ‘knew’ he should tick and then leave it somewhere he will chance across it. I wouldn’t slap it in front of him making it confrontational but more like something you had copied off privately to help you. If it is possible to have a good conversation about his behaviour then maybe you could tell him that you have had to seek help in order to support him – but do it without being accusatory.
As always Stacey I hope some of this helps. I know the frustration you feel but keep looking after yourself – it confuses his addiction and anything that does that is good.
Velvet

Hi Stacey
He does suffer because he can’t gamble without losing and that causes CGs to be very unhappy – but – I think you are right that usually they do seem to always be able to find someone to give them money or food or a roof over their heads – I believe them to have a very high survival instinct.
I’ve heard the tweezer ruse before and it is sad but there is seldom anything new in the behaviour of an active CG. It is time to find a place that he will not discover and I know this is really hard to do – maybe you could leave it with someone you can trust, although I know your trust levels must be pretty low at the moment. Maybe, and I cannot tell you what to do, asking him to save for a wedding is not the best thing. If you want to save, save for you and then if he controls his addiction you will have a nest egg to consider the future that you want.
How sad that the flowers and money came at such a cost but unfortunately it is typical of most active CGs. If you can ensure that your savings are really safe maybe in the future a gift would be bought with honest money but the cynical me says that this will not be any time soon.
The disappearing act is common – hoping that the poor behaviour will be forgotten. Maybe when he reappears it would be best just to say that the ceramic pot is no more because the gesture was pointless without him keeping his side of the bargain and leave it at that – no great discussion, just a statement.
As ever
Velvet

Hi Stacey

You are doing well

V

Dear Stacey
You are not going crazy Stacey – far from it. One thing I am sure of is that you will cope and I will do everything I can to help you do so.
I will try and answer some of your concerns and then I want you to sit down with a cup (or glass) of whatever you enjoy the best, breathe deeply and just deal with ‘today’ because worrying about ‘tomorrow’ will not help you sleep or care for your children. If he is accepted on the course it will be how you behave that will make the world a safe place for them.
The programme works if the CG dedicates himself to it and the best way to get strong dedication is that those who love them wish them well and don’t fall apart or over-stress about the time apart. It is the unknown that you are afraid of but all the unknowns are in tomorrow and you can ‘only’ worry about ‘today’. Today you are happy, so enjoy today.
The time away, in my view, is a drop in the ocean compared to a life-time struggle with an addiction.
I am not going to write about when he is away because that is in ‘tomorrow’ so for tonight I just want you to be happy. When he is accepted I will walk with you for the whole programme and it is then that we can deal with every ‘what if’ as it happens.
As I have said to you before I hear the strength in your posts which is just what your CG needs.
I feel I have to warn you that your CGs addictive behaviour might (and I do only mean ‘might’) get worse before he starts the programme. The final scream of the addiction, as it fights for it’s survival, is not general but it is not unknown.
I hope to hear good news soon but in the meantime look after you and your children.
Thinking about you
Velvet

Hi Stacey
I am very sorry to hear that your partner has not been offered a place on the GMA programme but for whatever reason all is not lost.
GT is not involved in any way with the assessment process for GMA. If your partner has not already been informed why it was felt that he was not ready for the programme at this time, then he can contact them directly and ask them any questions that he has. There is nothing in this respect that you can do.
I will write again soon and I hope you will keep posting.
Velvet

Hi Stacey
I appreciate that you have been trying for 7 years to get your partner to agree to really do something about his addiction but what is he doing?
Has he gone back to square one really or is he replying to the email asking why he was not accepted at this time and what could he do to make a difference? Has he spoken to our Helpline where he will be understood and supported?
I don’t know the reason he was not accepted at this time but I hear hope in their words that he re-apply in March.
Your partner must take on his own battle and in the meantime, as I have said before, look after yourself because that is the best thing you can do for him and your family. Protect your finances, perhaps write to Hope who messaged you, pop into the F&F group, set your barriers of what you will and will not accept and please keep posting.
Velvet

Hi Stacey,

I just joined today. Reading your post brought me to tears because everything that you have said I have been dealing with my boyfriend. I never know when he will be in a good mood and when he is I drop everything because I feel like I need to take advantage of it. I too forget all the bad stuff until it happens again. I have become more patient and waiting out the waves, but it is definitely a toll on me emotionally and phsyically